I’m going to the mall with my two best friends, Sheng and Karah. The air feels cool on my face when I open the screen door of my gray two-story house. It’s only mid-afternoon but then again, winter had only just begun.
“Woo!” Karah shoves me out of the doorway and laughs. Sheng smiles and weaves her way through the tangled mess of her two pals.
“Come on, there's not going to be an almost empty mall in about a half hour.” Sheng complains as she makes her way to the car, by the way...
“Who’s driving?” I struggle to my feet, trying to get away from Karah and her death grasp.
Karah lets go and volunteers herself. “I’ll do it.”
Giggling like little girls, we make our way into Tiller Mall, excited to be some of the few who are already there. We pass an old lady in a deep red coat, who is singing to herself quietly, but loud enough for us to hear.
Trying not to laugh, we keep on walking. The first stop is the Food Court.
We buy chilled coffees and sandwiches.
Leaving the Food Court after the finding out the sandwiches were spoiled,
“I want to check out Hot Topic.” I announce as Sheng goes into a clothing store. Karah nods and follows Sheng into the store.
Humming a Dora the Explorer song, I glance up at the maps, the store has, and look for the store I’m about to go into. Smiling, I find what I’m looking for. Hot Topic is right next to a clothing store that I’d planned on going into next. Almost dancing, I make my way over to the store.
Strangely, the music is quiet and eerie. When I get into the store, it’s really cold and the lights slowly fade. But when i turn to leave there’s no door.
I yelp, thinking I see someone but realize it’s only my reflection. Trembling, i reach into my bag for the cell phone, that my mom had given me, and try to dial. But my phone, it laughs like it’s being tickled!
“Stop dialing!” The cell phone shrieks. Now I start screaming and when I drop the cell, it gets up and runs into the darkest part of the store.
“Eww!” I shake and my eyes begin to tear. I don’t want to but my feet start moving towards the back of the store. There’s a strange bell ringing, behind the curtain and I can hear the wind howling. But then I realize that’s not the wind howling, it’s a bunch of people screaming.
There’s a huge gap in the wall and its not just a slight drizzle of snow any more, it’s a heavy blizzard and people are running around.
“Hey!” I try to call out,”Hey! What’s going on!”
Trying to be heard is impossible, I have to repeat myself over and over. Suddenly my arm is being pulled, frightened, I punch whatever grabbed me, only to find out that its Karah.
She cries out and lets go of me to hold her hands to her nose. She seems to be crying but I can’t hear anymore.
All I see, is the blood shooting out like a waterfall.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I get the goosebumps when I realize not everyone is running, some of the screaming people aren’t even people. They’re gross, monstrous creatures in human clothing, their stance is dangerous and they’re looking right at Karah.
Is this actually a nightmare you had? I ask because it reads like someone who is dreaming the whole thing, there doesn't seem to be any real plotline just a list of weird and horrible things happening. That's not a bad thing because that's exactly what dreams are like. If it wasn't a nightmare you had then you are adept at writing in a way that makes stories seem like real nightmares.
Hi Amy, this story has potential, only I felt it had a rather shaky start. It seemed not to know where it was heading. There was no build up of tension, just a bunch of friends wandering around a shopping mall doing mundane things. When you got to the horror of the story, the pace picked up, only for it to stop quite suddenly. You could do so much more with this piece.
On the plus side, the idea of a shopping trip from hell is a good one, and I just love the idea of the phone running away.
As I said, some potential here, but it needs some work.
Incidentally, I've received your Message request and would only be too happy to offer any help I can to assist in developing your idea.