My Sacrifice

I wrote this story several years ago but it is my experience.

This is my story of pregnancy, decisions and sacrifice. I was 18 years old and one month from graduating from high school when I found out I was pregnant. I was faced with the choice of whether to raise my daughter or give her more than I felt I could give at the time. When I realized I was pregnant I was terrified my only thought was,"I can't be pregnant!" A reality check came quicker than I had ever expected. At 18 years of age I was not physically, mentally or emotionally ready to be a parent. The first obstacle I had to face was telling my parents something which wasn't going to be easy. My mom and I had always been close, but this wasn't something I wanted to tell her. I told my mom about my pregnancy and she told my dad. They were not happy, but accepted that I was "technically" an adult now and had to make a decision that was best for me. The father of my baby didn't want any involvement with the pregnancy or the baby (probably because he already had a child, and I later found out that I was not the only one expecting his baby). After much discussion I decided with my mom's support that adoption might be the best choice for me. I obtained the name of an attorney's office that specialized in private adoptions from my OB/GYN. I was very nervous and scared but did attend, the meeting along with Darryl, whom I had just begun dating (now my husband) and my mom. I cried the entire meeting. They explained what would happen and what I had to do, they also made it clear that this was my decision and I was in control of the adoption.

A week later I received a few letters from potential parents for my daughter. I read each letter and took into consideration what I expected or wanted from the parents I chose. With the help from my mom, I made a decision fairly quickly, on which parents I thought would be the best parents for my daughter. I spoke to Tim and Linda not long afterwards, and we seemed to connect instantly, I was not allowed knowledge of their last name to ensure their privacy, and I wasn't allowed to call them. If I needed to reach them, I called the attorney's office and they would relay the message. I called Tim and Linda two weeks prior to giving birth because I had an ultrasound and found out I was having a girl and wanted to let them know. I told them I had a name chosen, Taylor Renee, I told them that my grandmother, aunt and my middle name were all Rene and I wanted it to be carried on by her as well. Tim and Linda loved the name and meaning behind it, so I was the one to name my daughter.

I went into labor at 3:45 am on January 16, 1994 at home. Darryl drove me to the hospital. It was cold and snowing. I arrived at the hospital within 20 minutes and my contractions were two and half minutes apart. My blood pressure was high, which it had been my whole pregnancy because I had toxemia and was a high-risk pregnancy. My mom was able to get there as well as my dad and aunt. When everyone arrived,the doctor announced that everyone would have to leave the room because they could not control my blood pressure. The doctor explained that there was a great possibility that without medication and other intervention that I could go into convulsions, if I wasn't treated immediately. I was so scared not only form me but for Taylor as well. About an hour or so later my family was able to return to my room. I continued to be in labor for 18 hours before giving birth to Taylor Renee at 8:35 pm on January 16, 1994.

For the next four days of my hospital stay, I took care of Taylor and held her constantly. I was doubting and second guessing my decision to give her up. Darryl called me at the hospital the night before I was supposed to sign the adoption papers to tell me to bring her home. He didn't care whether she was biologically his or not, he was willing to be her father and take care of her. We talked for hours, I gave him all the reasons why I should go on with the adoption and he gave me all of the reasons I needed to bring her home.

I cried for four days beating myself up inside about what to do. Then that fateful day came and I had to decide whether I would raise Taylor or continue with the adoption. I held Taylor real close to me and told her what was going on (as if she knew what I was saying) although I knew she had no idea I had to tell her for me and my heart. My counsler was there with me the day I signed the adoption papers and she reminded me that I was not obligated to go through with this but if I chose to sign the papers the decision was made and I could not turn back. I signed the papers with tears flowing down my face.

The next day it was time for me to go home and for Taylor to meet her new parents. Every nurse that came in the room that day knew the situation and asked "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" I wanted to scream NO but I knew in my heart I had to be strong and I always said "yes" with tears streaming down my face. Tim and Linda came to my hospital room and brought me flowers, a card and a pennant Linda's mother had made for me. I was holding Taylor and gave her to Linda, she told me how beautiful Taylor was, all I could say was "Please take care of my baby and love her, and most of all let her know that I did this because I love her and I wanted her to have everything that life had to offer. Linda assured me that the letter I had written to Taylor and the pictures I put with it would be saved and given to her when the time came and she would let her know how much I love her. My mom was there with me and we all cried. I couldn't believe how much they already loved her only knowing her five minutes. When it was time for me to go home my mom helped me get my things and I gave Taylor a kiss and hug and told her how much I loved her. I then hugged Tim and Linda and I left the hospital leaving half of my heart with Taylor.

Linda and I agreed that I would receive updates on Taylor's progress and growth every month for one year, after that there would be no communication. With every update Tim and Linda would send a card and something to say "Thank You." Every picture I received of Taylor showed her smiling and glowing as if she was the happiest baby on earth. Whenever I

looked at those photos I would think that I made a great decision for Taylor. I continued counseling and on a couple of occasions, Marilyn (my counsler) asked if I would like to share my story to potential adoptive parents, which I agreed to do. I also did a local news segment on adoption for the counseling agency.

Today Taylor is 17 years old, probably driving and thinking about college. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and some days are harder than others. I wonder what she looks like, what she enjoys or what her talents are and what she kind of young women she has become. I miss Taylor and part of my heart will always be missing as long as she is not here but I hope one day I will be reunited with her to see if her life was all I wanted it to be for her. I know I did the right thing for Taylor but the selfish side of me still beats myself up and wishes I would have brought her home. I regret my decision sometimes and know I did the right thing other times. The one thing I am sure of is I gave Tim and Linda a great gift that they can cherish for a lifetime.

I was hoping to get to speak to teenage girls on adoption and the choices that you have when you become pregnant so young but I have not found out how to do that and I am still don't tell everyone about Taylor because people are opinionated and judgemental and they have no idea what I gave up to make sure Taylor had the best because back then I could only give her my love.