Note: Leave from the front line during the First World War
The child is a young girl
The journey home was just as melancholic as the journey through the train station.
The bus was overcrowded, so my mother and I had to stand throughout the duration of the route home. Now and then a man would offer my mother a place to sit, but her face seemed increasingly hardened and became transfixed on the passing pavement, which seemed to never end as we passed the lengthy rows of housing.
I was in a state of utter confusion. Why had we left the train station before my brother had appeared? My mind had resorted to replaying this scenario over and over:
My brother stood on the platform waiting for us to return. He would glance up and down. An expression that could make the most optimistic person want to fade clouded his features.
As we were nearing home, the realisation that my brother was never coming home finally hit me. I wept as though I had never before shed a tear. Each tear sounded more hopeless than the last.
Stolen glances were made in our direction as we departed from the bus. Moving in and out of the various passersby, at last we reached home. Walking up the cracked steps, I became lightheaded and a sudden rush of anxiety ached within me. That was when I realised, I am now an only child.
Thank you Lorraine for taking the time to read this! I have made the adjustments that you suggested.
NOTE: yes, the 'would' is the child imagining her brother on the platform at the train station. She understands that it is lost cause to dream of such a thing, for she knows that he is gone.
Again, thank you for reading and the comment attached. It is very much appreciated!
Do you make a journey through a train station?
'her face seemed increasingly hardened and became transfixed...' 'Her expression did not change and her eyes had ceased to blink' - a form of repetition.
Then, after her face hardening, you have her looking 'calm and collected' - opposites, I'd have thought, the latter suggesting peace, the former anything but.
'Why we had' isn't a question - read your work carefully!
'Its consequence was that my mind had resorted to replaying the same scenario over and over, until it was all I could think of.' This is clumsy.
'My brother was stood' - not good English. He stood, or was standing.
You get your tenses in a muddle here: (was) stood, would glance, clouded; I presume you mean that the child is imagining how he would appear, in which case stick to 'would'.
How does the child know what the mother is realising, unless she speaks? How can s/he know that the brother is dead?
'Each sounded more hopeless than the last.' Each what? It doesn't refer to anything in the previous sentence.
All that having been said, I think you have a good scene here. We are looking through the child's eyes at a cataclysmic moment in the family's life. S/he (we aren't yet told which sex the child is) has to gather information from what s/he has seen, and from the mother's reactions. Just be careful that there are signs for the child to read - don't tell us what s/he can't possibly know at that point. That's the author stepping in inappropriately.
Thank you for the encouragement! It is very much appreciated! I have made the changes
Again thank you for taking the time to read it