New School ( Part 1 )

by Fakhrul Hakimi Fatman
10th March 2014

On April 19, 2013 , a new student named Chris had just moved from Canada to New York . He studied at the school named Ovelford High .

When Chris started his first school session in Ovelford High , he met girls named Zoe . They are getting to know each other .

" Come on, I will show you around the school ," said Zoe who is willing to show the school to Chris .

When they arrived at the school hall , a friend of Zoe named Amy saw them chatting about something.

" Hey Zoe , who is this boy ? I've never seen him before, " Amy criticize and ask questions about the boy with him .

" Hey Amy , this is Chris . He is a new student at this school. " Answer Zoe .

" Zoe , hurry up . We have to go to cheerleading practice now, " said Amy to Zoe .

"But I have made an appointment to show this school to Chris , " Zoe answered with a slow tone .

Chris smiled and said " No, you did not promise to me, you just say that you are willing to show around school . Did you have a job to do. Maybe next time you can show me around the area this school . "

Zoe apologizes to Chris for not being able to fulfill what he is willing to do.

"Zoe, hurry up." Amy asked Zoe to rush onto the field for the exercise.

Zoe said goodbye to Chris and rushed to the field for training cheerleader.

After Zoe leaves Chris, a male student approached Chris. The student named Ken. He was the most brilliant student but is very bad in the form of good. Ken is not satisfied with Chris as talking with Zoe.

After Zoe leaves Chris, a male student approached Chris. The student named Ken. He was the most brilliant student but is very bad in the form of good. Ken is not satisfied with Chris as talking with Zoe.

        "Hey new kid, do not think for a second you can seize Zoe from me. Do you understand?" Ken said while slamming a locker door.

       Chris was surprised and said "Sorry, I did not know that Zoe was your lover."

       This verse makes Ken laughed. "If I can not be a lover Zoe, nobody can." The final verse of Ken before he was going there.

       Chris was surprised to Ken act earlier. Once Ken moved from there, Chris has also moved from there to the science classroom.

Comments

My advice would be to read this out loud to yourself, it really helps with the flow

There are quite a few ands and other redundant words you could remove

Good luck

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Sarah
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Sarah Dyne
11/03/2014

Hi Fakhrul,

Go into edit and remove one of these...

After Zoe leaves Chris, a male student approached Chris. The student named Ken. He was the most brilliant student but is very bad in the form of good. Ken is not satisfied with Chris as talking with Zoe.

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damien
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damien Isaak
10/03/2014