“Kids! Kids!”
It’s on one such weekend, a Sunday afternoon specifically, that the children are excitedly called into the barn. They race to the barn as an exuberant Marcus takes his wife’s hand to lead her to the barn at a run.
At the barn the plane stands proud in the centre of the well-worn floor. All of the tools that were previously scattered all over the floor are gone, the doors to the plane stand open, with Jason already in the co-pilot’s seat, a beaming smile on his face.
Even with the fading, peeling paint and dirty windows it looked different in Jaxin’s eyes.
As Marcus tries to slip his hand from hers so he can climb in, she holds on and pulls him back. “It’s working?” she asks. “You’ve fixed it?”
He smiles in responses and kisses her passionately, prompting comments of disapproval from the kids. Then he climbs inside and joins Jason at the controls.
“Here we go,” says Marcus, to Jason and to himself.
“Here we go,” echoes Jason. “Pre-flight’s all done. Kick it over.”
Marcus starts the engine, and for several long seconds the engine simply rattles and grumbles before there is a loud bang and a puff of smoke accompanied by the first slow movement of the propeller. “Thank you,” whispers Marcus.
The kids cheer and whoop, punching the air as the engine’s grumble slowly becomes a growl and the propeller tries to make its way through a full revolution. Even Jaxin is excited, hugging the kids in a massive group cuddle.
The excitement however, is short lived as, not quite making a full revolution, the propeller grinds to a near-halt, leaving looks of disappointment on the kids’ faces.
“Oh, no,” mumbles Marcus as the propeller stalls.
“Have faith,” encourages Jason. “Give it a few seconds.”
Marcus looks at Jason and Jason nods his head to indicate no worries let’s try again. They do their pre-flight checks again and Marcus re-inserts the key into the barrel and he tries to start the engine again. Nothing happened. Marcus is getting irritated and angry. He raises his voice and smashes the aircraft steering.
“Damn it! What’s wrong with you?!”
“Stay calm. You don’t want the children to see you like this. We just have to keep trying”.
Jaxin and the children feel despair and are very worried observing Marcus behaving badly.
Marcus turns to look at Jaxin and the children and he can see despair in their faces. Consequently he composes himself. He smiles and raises his thumbs to reassure them.
He tries to start the engine again. Nothing happens. He calms himself and makes another attempt. He is desperate to get it going, obvious from his sweating and anxious looks. The engine starts to rattle and rumbles to a stop. He tries again and the engine turns for a bit longer. The propeller starting to turn faster, increasing in speed of revolution to everyone’s joy and excitement.
As if on cue, the propeller spins it doesn’t just spin, it rotates so fast it becomes an incomprehensible blur of movement. Again, the kids are ecstatic. Even Marcus and Jason are excited, with Marcus unable to stop himself breaking into fits of hysterical giggles. He turns to look at Jason and give him a high five. He then looks to his family, who continue to whoop and holler and jump for joy at the excitement that the plane is finally working.
Marcus turns to Jason with a serious and determined look. “Ready! We are going full speed to take off now!”
“Yes buddy, all clear and ready to take off.”
Marcus increases the revs and the plane creeps forward, exiting the barn and heading for the neatly mowed section of grass that he and Jason prepared only that very morning as a temporary runway.
Once the plane is on the grassy runway, Jason tells Marcus, “Let’s do this,” and Marcus accelerates. The plane picks up speed, the nose naturally wanting to tip upward into the air, then the engine spits and cackles and dips low as the plane slows.
As Jaxin and the kids watch from just outside the barn the slowing plane suddenly belches a cloud of black smoke that swirls into the air, the plane then shoots off down the runway. The nose tilts up higher and higher as the plane picks up speed, then as it nears the end of the runway, the rest of the plane follows, up, up and away…
“We’re up, we’re up! We’re off the ground!” yells Marcus. He’s jubilant. After so much stress and so much difficulty, he’s finally achieved what he’s worked towards. He’s taken a pile of junk and with Jason’s help, turned it into a working aircraft.
The plane climbs and banks and twists in the air, staying near to the cottage so the children and Jaxin can always keep the plane in sight.
As the plane comes down, bouncing and bobbing down the runway, the kids run alongside, making sure to stay at a safe distance. They’re screaming and shouting excitedly and as the two dads’ climb from the cockpit they leap into their arms, an orchestra of questions about when they’ll be going on their first flight and where they’ll be going.
Hi, Melinda,
I've gone through this closely. You have two main faults here: repetition, and instructing the reader as to what is going on.
'the barn' four times in three lines? Not a good start. 'well-worn floor...all over the floor'; 'climb in...climb inside' - you must avoid this. Try reading these lines aloud: you really will pick up repeated words and phrases much more easily that way.
It's fine when it's dialogue and done for a good reason, as when Marcus and Jason both say 'Here we go', but not in the narrative itself.
'He smiles in responses' - 'in response'
'it looked different' - everything else is in the present tense; this should be too.
'Marcus looks at Jason and Jason nods his head to indicate no worries let’s try again.' We know that Marcus and Jason are the only two people in the cockpit; so when Marcus reacts to Jason's words, we know who it is he's addressing. Don't repeat Jason's name: 'Marcus looks at Jason who nods his head to indicate, 'No worries, let’s try again.'
Note the punctuation. Try referring to him as 'the co-pilot', or 'his friend' if you need to make the point.
'Nothing happened' - it's got to be present tense here.
“Stay calm. You don’t want the children to see you like this. We just have to keep trying”. - who says this line?
'Jaxin and the children feel despair and are very worried observing Marcus behaving badly.' - this is telling, not showing. It's like a stage direction. Try to show us their despair instead of stating that they are feeling it. Could one begin to cry? Could they shuffle their feet, or slump their shoulders? All of those show that their hopes are being dashed without saying, 'Their hopes are being dashed.' See my comment on 'yells Marcus' a little further on.
'He is desperate to get it going, obvious from his sweating and anxious looks.' - the same applies. You're spelling it out rather than letting us see him for ourselves.
'the propeller spins it doesn’t just spin' - punctuation missing
People 'look' at each other a lot in this piece: find another way of saying it, or it becomes flat and dull. Better yet, give them other movements, or try 'expression' instead.
'temporary runway...on the grass runway...down the runway...the end of the runway' - repetition as before.
'only that very morning' - 'only that morning', or 'that very morning', but not both
'the plane then shoots off' - lose 'then'. It's one of those words that is over-used and turns things into lists. It also puts the reader a step away from the events themselves - it's the author's voice saying this happens, then this happens.
' yells Marcus. He’s jubilant.' - 'yells Marcus' is showing. 'He is jubilant' is telling. In the former you reveal his feelings through his words, with the exclamation marks; and 'yells' tells us all we need to know. You don't need to explain that he's jubilant - it's clear already.
'The plane climbs...keep the plane in sight' - you don't need to repeat 'the plane here; 'it' would do.
two dads’ - this doesn't take an apostrophe: it's a plural
'an orchestra of questions' - this appears out of nowhere. It's not connected to anyone, though it should belong to the leaping children.
'when they’ll be going...where they'll be going' - be careful.
This is obviously a pivotal scene: the heap of junk has been rebuilt as an aircraft, and is presumably their means of escaping from wherever they are.
You have the right pilot-speak, and you know what the engine should (and shouldn't) do.
You need to keep this whole scene tight and controlled; the reader should be sitting on the edge of his seat, preferably in the cockpit, willing them on, but all your repetitions undermine that. They stop us from being inside the scene with the characters. In other words, they put the author up front between us and the action.
You must try to show, not tell; again, telling is the author's voice pushing in.
'Marcus is getting irritated and angry. He raises his voice and smashes the aircraft steering.
“Damn it! What’s wrong with you?!”
Firstly, if he smashed the steering, it would be the end of the plane. Could he thump the control panel instead?
Secondly, you're telling us that he's 'getting irritated and angry' and then, so politely, that 'he raises his voice'. You're losing our interest here. We're not feeling any of this: it's just description.
Never use ?! as a form of punctuation. If it's a question, the ? is enough - and if you've shown us how he's feeling, you don't need to add the ! to tell us he's getting over-excited: we'll know!
I hope this helps.
Lorraine