*POISONED APPLE*

by Melissa Taylor
26th August 2016

*POISONED APPLE*

*Was i once the apple of my daddy's eye?

I doubt it, by how quick/easily he said "Bye,bye" 

Do i often ask myself how could he and 'oh' why?

"You betcha" she say's bitterly with a sigh.  They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

But also the wicked witch said "here's a nice juicy apple my dear, have it for free.  Well apparently nothing's free in this life. 

There's alway's something someone's afta.

Thus ending this chapter of the story that didn't end happily ever after. 

Comments

Rhymes for "after":

BAFTA

gaffed her

laughter

rafter

Are you more keen to keep the last line or the 2nd-last?

If you were willing to change the order of the last line and look for another 2nd-last line to rhyme with it, you could have as last line:

"No happy-ever-after for this tale."* [Which scans better, and gives you a wider choice of rhymes. Or, instead of "tale", you could choose "song". More challenging would be to find rhymes for "movie", "film", "story", or "poem".]

* You have to hope that the reader is willing to slur "ever" into one syllable. A more comfortable/believable scan (but less "poetic" line) would be:

"No happy ending for this _ _ _ _" (film?)

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Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
27/08/2016

I am a fan of poems that rhyme (old-fashioned, I know). However, if they rhyme - and UNLESS you're Ogden Nash - they should also scan.

Technical point: A new line is called for at "They say" and at "Well apparently". Or do you disagree? Besides that (MY opinions):

a) Do you mean to keep "quick/easily", or are you asking us to choose between them? BTW, it should be "quickLY".

b) A TRIFLE too many syllables in your 3rd line.

c) FAR too many in the witch line.

d) It's rather cheating to rhyme "afta" with "after".

e) Last line also too long. "So ends the tale without 'happy ever after'." comes CLOSER, but it's still not right. (And that's your job.)

(As I wrote, I'm old-fashioned.)

I do like the subject matter. You might (or might not) want to expand it, give the reader more clues.

Your reaction to my reply appreciated.

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Wilhelmina Lyre
27/08/2016