Time seemed to have stopped in the kingdom this night as the sun was casting its eerie blood-red gaze over a looming black fortress; refusing to crawl back behind the mountains and make room for darkness.
Surrounding the fortress were acres and acres of black-stoned buildings, countless, smouldering pits and all kinds of evil creatures lurking in the shadows.
The Lord of the wasteland around them sat in the topmost tower of the fortress; his tapping fingers the only sign that he was growing impatient. How he hated to wait.
He was almost camouflaged in the darkness of the chamber he sat in, being draped totally in black cloth which was finer than silk. His skin was paper-white and looked as though it would crumble with the lightest touch, but anyone who stood in his presence would know different.
The man radiated power. His hair was dark, greying slightly, and fell past his shoulders. His eyes were clear, calculating and filled with unbridled fury. They were as black as onyx but the pupils were crimson, giving him an indisputable air of malevolence.
The world was peaceful, his creatures told him, oblivious to the trouble lurking within the depths of the Wastes of Lowark. The people were ignorant to everything that could make their lives difficult. They had no idea, he smirked.
His thoughts were interrupted by a booming sound, which echoed all around the chamber, and more than one set of footsteps stalked towards him.
“You are late,” the Lord scolded without turning to see who had arrived, his voice held a deadly promise.
“Our apologies, my Lord,” a deep male voice replied. “We had a few… difficulties.”
“What is the problem, Malgosh?” The Lord sneered. “How difficult can one person prove to be?”
“He may have succumbed, Lord,” a woman replied for her companion, fear underlining her tone. “But he is wild with frenzy, his strength increased. We cannot control him. He has depleted much of my group; this cannot be allowed to continue.”
The Lord made a tutting sound, making the woman squeak quietly. “Then we should make use of it… Tell Rofren to take him West.” The Lord showed a cruel smile.
“My Lord…?” The woman replied, surprised by his words.
“You know where, Laesha. Now get out of my sight; both of you.”
“Yes, sir,” they chanted, and the sound of their departing footsteps followed.
“Master, is this a wise move?”
A small man appeared at his side, just inside the line of vision; he was as camouflaged in the hall as the Lord, dressed in black as he was. He would never radiate such power as his Lord, no matter how much he might wish for it.“Do not question my decision, Toad. It is about time he got his hands dirty. Everything is going as planned.”
“And the boy?” Toad risked asking.
The Lord scowled, but it wasn’t aimed at the man. “In time we will have him.”
The man, whom the Lord had named Toad, bowed deeply and walked silently from the chamber, leaving the Lord alone with his thoughts.
“Not long now,” he smiled darkly, bearing his pointed teeth to the dying sun.
Details, details (I'm the forum pedant):
"The Lord of the wasteland", "the Lord scolded", etc., but you called it a kingdom. So surely he’s the King of the wasteland? If not, why not just avoid calling it a kingdom?
As Lorraine has pointed out, if the sun hasn’t set yet (and you state this twice) then it isn’t night.
“You are late,” the Lord scolded without turning to see who had arrived – just a doubt of my own: if he doesn’t turn to see, how does he know that it isn’t another client showing up EARLY? I'd prefer something along the lines of "sparing the intruders the very briefest of distainful glances".
“Do not question my decision, Toad. […]
“And the boy?” Toad risked asking.
[…]
The man, whom the Lord had named Toad
- either the man is named Toad… or it’s just what the Lord/King called him. In the latter case the SECOND mention of him should be “And the boy?” risked asking the man whom the Lord had called Toad. Or – perhaps less clumsily - The man whom the Lord had called Toad risked asking [it]: “And the boy?”
If you then wish to simplify matters by just calling him Toad, this should be from the 3rd mention of the name onwards. Note that I believe that "called" is better than "named" in this case. A Lord can name a successor or name his son. Some sort of ceremony is hinted at.
“Yes, sir,” they chanted, and the sound of their departing footsteps followed. - Personally, i don't like the word "chanted" here. For me, chanting implies drawn out repetition... or at least some drawn out rote. 2 syllables seems too short for that.
Lorraine has covered most of the rest.
P.S. Couldn't help thinking the Lord seems rather like the Emperor in Star Wars. All in black, papery skin, red eyes - you may want to change something there.
Hi Elisabeth,
Thanks for sharing your work.
You have written a scene redolent of evil and fear. The Lord, a crimson-eyed creature, sits in the near-darkness, shrouded in black, waiting for news. When it comes, he is not satisfied, and sends his minions to do better. They are in fear of him: they squeak, they take risks by asking questions. He thinks of them as lesser beings.
I have some points that may help you to tighten things up a little.
The first is that you must see the scene as though you were actually there. You say it's dark, but the sun hasn't set yet. If it's dark, how can anyone see the Lord's skin, or his eyes? Put yourself in that room and then tell us what can be seen, and how.
'Time seemed to have stopped in the kingdom this night as the sun was casting its eerie blood-red gaze over a looming black fortress; refusing to crawl back behind the mountains and make room for darkness.' - confusing: is it night, or is it sunset? The semi-colon is wrong, because 'refusing' relates directly to the sun.
'Surrounding the fortress were acres and acres of black-stoned buildings, countless, smouldering pits and all kinds of evil creatures lurking in the shadows.' - non-specific plurals - acres and acres, countless, all kinds... - too vague. Don't put a comma after countless - it can't stand on its own.
'the topmost tower of the fortress; his tapping fingers the only sign' - I'd use a comma here, not a semi-colon, as the tapping fingers are a continuation of the first part, not separate from it. Otherwise you need a verb in the second part.
'He was almost camouflaged in the darkness of the chamber he sat in, being draped totally in black cloth which was finer than silk.' Try losing 'he sat in' as you've already told us he is sitting. Or lose the earlier use of the word, and change this to 'in which he sat, draped completely in black cloth finer than silk.' That gets rid of the clumsiness of 'being'.
'ignorant to everything' - one cannot be ignorant to, only of
'His thoughts were interrupted by a booming sound, which echoed all around the chamber, and more than one set of footsteps stalked towards him.' This could be stronger by being divided: have the booming echoing round the chamber; then have the stalking steps without 'and'.
'his voice held a deadly promise' - either make this a separate sentence, or change 'held' to 'holding'.
The Lord, the Lord; my Lord, Lord - be consistent.
'The Lord made a tutting sound, making the woman squeak quietly' - try to avoid repetitions, as you have here with 'made...making'
If the chamber is dark, how can the lord show a cruel smile? Perhaps you could go for half-dark?
"My Lord…?” The woman replied, - You don't need the ellipsis - the dots- here (and avoid using too many) because the question mark does the work for you. No capital at The.
'might wish for it.“Do not' - spacing.
'The man, whom the Lord had named Toad,' - we already know this; leave this out, and so avoid repeating 'the Lord' in one sentence.
'bearing his pointed teeth' - baring as in laying bare, not bearing as in carrying.
Hope this helps.
Lorraine