Chapter One - The Journey Begins
Imagine if you will a new world; a world filled with brave warriors and Mythical Creatures, this is where our story begins. Before we begin our Journey, we must travel forward in time to meet Andrew, the young mortal who will travel with us on our many adventures together. We Join Andrew on his eleventh birthday, a day that will change this young boy's life forever.
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She hugged him tightly, so tightly that Andrew thought he might actually pop! Just like one of the many balloons that had decorated the house earlier.
"Goodnight Andrew."
Andrew's father glanced up from his book.
"Goodnight son. Good gracious what are you doing to the poor boy; let him breathe Margaret." He said, winking at Andrew. "Look he's turning purple!"
She squeezed her eyes together and scowled at him.
"Spoilsport!" she said releasing her grip.
Andrew could breathe again and his face returned to its normal colour. He laughed.
"Goodnight, thank you for all my presents and my party; they were great! See you in the morning."
Andrew rushed out of the room and headed straight for the stairs.
"What's this? Why is my boy rushing to bed so early on his birthday?"
"I think he wants to read his letter. You know, the one that came with mum's present this morning."
"Oh…I see"
They listened as he ran up the stairs two at a time and heard his bedroom door slam shut behind him. The envelope was lying on his pillow; and in the far corner of his bedroom was the huge present that had arrived this morning.Andrew leapt onto his bed.
He had been waiting all day to read his letter. Every year Nana Potts had always given him special gifts, things that had once belonged to her or Grandpa. He picked up the small blue envelope and lay down, with his knees resting on the pillows. He opened the letter and began to read.
My Darling Andrew
Happy Birthday my dear, I know that you may think Nanas present rather strange, but Andrew, they need your help! I cannot help them, not this time. You must be brave Andrew; brave and strong but you must not be afraid. They will be there with you, travelling along by your side just as they were by mine. Look inside the house Andrew and it will reveal your legacy. Be sure to take all of the treasures that I have given you; you will need them. They will help you on your journey and protect you. Good Luck Andrew, this is our secret, keep it safe!
With much love as always
Nana Potts X x x
He folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope, it was all very confusing. Who did Nana Potts want him to help and what legacy would his gift reveal? He just did not understand. Andrew stared at himself in the mirror, a tall thin boy with ginger hair and freckles. He wasn't very good at anything at school and was always the last one chosen for teams at sports. How could he help anybody? Nana was right, he had thought it was a very strange gift; he certainly couldn't fit it in the box with the other ones.
Why had Nana Potts given him a dolls house? That was a present for a girl, not an eleven-year-old boy. 'But…' Andrew thought. 'Nana Potts had given it to him, and asked him to help them. Whoever they were. So he would do it and think nothing more of how strange the gift was. He jumped off the bed and dragged the toy box out from underneath it. It had been Mothers idea.
'Andrew darling you really must try and be tidy. Now I want you to keep all your toys in here when you're not using them. I can't even see your carpet there's so many of them.' She had said. Andrew had promised to try and on most days, it worked too. He opened the lid and reached inside.
Andrew had hidden the oak box at the bottom, safely tucked away in the corner. He grabbed it with both hands and pulled it from the toy box. The Oak writing box had been another one of Nana's gifts. It was wonderful; everyone had thought so. They marveled at the carvings etched onto the lid and the soft purple lining inside. Of course, he hadn't shown them the rest; if he had then they would have known about the secret compartments in the bottom, the ones where he hid all the treasures that he had collected from Nana over the years. He opened it and carefully emptied the contents on to the carpet. There were two small keys, a compass, a broken whistle, a tiger's eye brooch, Grandpa's pocket watch, and something that you wore around your neck; a talisman mother had called it.
Andrew had often looked at the collection of gifts and wondered if they had a use. He knew that Grandpa had used the compass during the War but there were many things, such as the tiger's eye brooch and the whistle, that didn't make the slightest sound when you blew it. What use were they? Well he must certainly need them for something he thought, so he put them all safely back in the box. Closing the lid, he placed the writing box on the chest of drawers next to his bed. Andrew sat down in the middle of the room, with his legs crossed and arms folded and looked towards the Dolls House.
He thought back to the letter. Nana had said that all his treasures would keep him safe on his journey, but he wasn't going on a journey or if he was, he certainly didn't know about it. Mother hadn't mentioned anything. He almost wished he hadn't read the letter now; he would be thinking about it all night and probably wouldn't sleep at all. Andrew looked up at the clock by the bed, 8.00pm, well it wasn't too late and; at least if he didn't sleep there was no school tomorrow so he could stay in bed as long as he wanted.
'Right, let's see what this Dolls House looks like inside,' thought Andrew. 'Maybe it's full of mini action men, and then I could pretend it was an Army barracks!' He had often dreamed about being a soldier like his Grandpa, and when he was old enough that's just what he was going to do. He slid across the floor on his belly, just as his Grandpa had done in the war. Crawling along the ground like a snake without being seen and avoiding capture. The Dolls house had a red door at the front with a proper door handle and letter box. It looked just like a real home. It had four little windows upstairs and downstairs. All with matching red shutters. He sat up, reached for the small brass door handle and turned it slowly clockwise. Nothing happened, the door of the house stayed shut.
"Maybe the door is jammed," Andrew thought. "What other reason could there be?"
He pulled at the door again, but still nothing.
"Well how silly, a dolls house that wouldn't open. Why send it all this way if it couldn't be used?"
He leaned closer and studied the door. Maybe if he'd looked more carefully the first time he would have seen the lock that sat just underneath the handle. It would have made no difference as there was no key in the lock and no key had been sent with the gift or the letter. Andrew got up off the floor. It was no use trying to open it now, if he tried to open it without the key, wherever that was, then he would probably break something and it was much too nice to break.
He got back on the bed and lay stretched out with his hands behind his head. He closed his eyes trying not to think about it, and then just like a flash he knew the answer. He knew how to open it.
He jumped up.
Why hadn't he thought about it before? Grabbing the writing box in his hands Andrew skidded across the room to the dolls house. He opened the box and took out the two keys. If he were right then one of them would open the door. He put the box on his lap and with trembling hands put one of the keys in the lock, took a deep breath and turned. Click! With one turn, the door was open. Andrew took the key back out of the lock and placed both of them safely back in the box.
He turned the handle and the door slowly opened. Peering inside he could see the downstairs rooms. There was a living room, a dining room and a kitchen all decorated with old furniture. It was lovely but he still didn't understand what was so special about it. Just as he leaned forward to get a better look at the living room, there was a bang as the lights in his bedroom went out. Everything was in darkness and there was a sudden gust of wind, it came from nowhere and was getting stronger by the second.
'What's happening?' thought Andrew. There were no windows open yet it felt like a tornado was tearing through his bedroom. 'I don't like this!' He wanted to call out but he was really hoping that he was asleep, and no one would hear him. It would make more sense then. Andrew held tightly to the box on his lap, as another gust of wind caught him from behind and sent him hurtling forward straight into the dolls house. He was swept off his feet and was spinning round and round. If this was the legacy that Nana had spoken of in her letter, he was quite sure that he didn't want it. How long was this going to go on for? It was like the worst roller coaster ever and he was very dizzy. Andrew didn't have to wait long, the winds stopped and he landed with a thud on his bottom, he looked up.
This wasn't his bedroom, and where was the dolls house?
"Oh; please let me be asleep!" He said squeezing his eyes tight shut "Please…"
"Fallamhain, he's here. He's here; our young friend has come to save us!"
Hi Emma
Yes younger / teen is the market I was aiming it at so yes that would be great, feedback is always good especially from my target market.
Hi Johnathan - thanks for your comments and yes I find all comments and feedback helpful.
This is the first time I have posted any of my work on any site, so it is nice that people are actually reading it and commenting. I must admit I took a few deep breaths before I hit submit, but I did it and I'm out there now. :-D
Hi Clare - this is teen fantasy, neither of which is my forte, so if I may I'd just like to make some comments on the structure. Basically it's fine and runs along logically. I was thinking more specifically, for example
(i) 1st Paragraph - who is SHE? You can use her name in the first line and ought to, since she speaks. And her speech ought to be a continuation, not on a separate line otherwise it's confusing for the reader.
The other thing is your POV. If you are going to see most of this chapter through Andrew's eyes, might it not be better to write the first scene through them too? Just a thought.
(ii) 2nd paragraph - the first sentence of this is a continuation of the first scene and should be the last sentence of that paragraph. Only then does the scene change to Andrew's room, so that's when your paragraph break should be.
(iii) 'Every year Nana Potts had always given him special gifts'. I used to write like this. There's nothing really wrong with the sentence, and I understand what you want to say, but try this change:-
'Every year Nana Potts gave him special gifts'. See how that edit makes it both more immediate and gives a sense of expectation which the slight clumsiness of the original misses?
Hope you find these thoughts helpful.
Hi Clare,
This has great potential. What age range were you aiming this at? I love reading fantasy (probably a little too much for an adult!) My son is also a fan of things such as Potter, The Lord Of The Rings, Twilight.
If you are hoping to market this for younger/teen fantasy readers then I was wondering if I could let my eldest two read this then maybe I could pass on their feedback too.