I hate the way you act so familiar, Google. The way you’re all smooth and suave as you slip in a suggestion or two before I can finish typing in my search. Why am I even typing if I don’t already know the question? Just give me the answers. Oh! I forgot! You don’thave any answers. All you have is snooping data: X site has answers. So, why are you so haughty, you voyeur? “Relax O Mortal – I know what you seek. Is it …this? Erm …this? How ’bout this?” No, Google. You don’t know me! You don’t know what I’m looking for today …or any day! I am unpredictable. I will bank left, duck and run to the right. Like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show. I will type in questions that I don’t need answered, just to see you kick yourself. Autocomplete that, jerk!

Despite your claims that you can predict Box Office hits based on search patterns – you have no knowledge of the Future. You’re no prophet. Recall that a while back, I was Googling (I hate that pseudo-verb!) ‘how can government shut down?’ and only managed to type up to ‘can’. And you were there in a leap – like a chivalrous, presumptuous geek – with your suggestions. “How can …”

• …I keep from singing
• …she slap me
• …you get herpes

Why were you making me sound like an obsessive crooner who’s probably also a part-time serial-killer? And why would I be seeking to rationalize why she slapped me? Besides, there were no witnesses (I know, I tried to sue). You would probably suggest that it was the singing. And the Herpes! Sheesh! You show one STD or the other toeveryone Googling ‘how can’. It’s a sickness, Google! Get help. And you don’t have to finish my sentences. You’re not my girlfriend! You can’t give me STD! Listen Google, an invitation to hang for a bit is not the same as a license to snoop through my wallet …if you get my drift. But I know you don’t.

Pretentious articles claim that your autocomplete uses an algorithm that factors in the popularity of search phrases, my location, freshness of query and my previous searches. Given that I’ve never had reason to suspect I have Herpes and it’s somewhat uncommon in my location (as is the Internet) – Bing suggests a 88% probability that it is you who’s been secretly researching Herpes, causing it to show up on my taskbar. But before you rush off to clear your browsing history, look at these ads that UN Women developed, utilizing your bigotry and compulsive-profiling to raise awareness and better our society.

But that we can make lemonade with the metaphorical lemons you offer – doesn’t change anything. I still hate that a new tab on Chrome shows 8 most visited sites. It’s really quite simple: I KNOW WHAT SITES I VISIT! And no, I’ve never been to that pornsite that you keep posting there. Neither is the pharmaceutical site peddling cheap antidepressants any reflection of what I’ve searched. It was, in all probability, you, Google! And even on YouTube, you are constantly recommending ‘Green Paradise – Erotic (Full Movie)’ and ‘4 Midgets Relay Race Against a Camel’. While I have been occasionally amused by breakdancing little-people – it is wrong of you to reduce me to my search phrases & clicks.

Stop assuming that I am incapable of spontaneity and evolution.