Hi all,
This is how my story begins. Does it appeal to you? Any comments are very much appreciated.
Many thanks.
Kind regards,
Melinda
On the last day of term before the summer holiday, a mobile book library throws open its doors for children to pick up books to help tie them over during the long break. Most children have already picked up their books and departed for the start of their summer. Others continue to search the shelves for a hidden treasure or two before leaving.
Amongst the few children remaining are ten year-olds Joe and Zen – two best friends, so close they may as well be brothers. Zen, a tall and slender boy with handsome, sharply defined features, already has his book while Joe listlessly searches the racks for something.
The athletic Joe searches intently, pulling forward books sat in front of other books to find the one he’s looking for.
“Come on Joe, what’s wrong?” asks Zen, impatient to begin his holiday.
“I can’t find the one I wanted.”
“Didn’t you reserve it?”
Joe shakes his head. “I wasn’t sure I’d have enough money to buy it.”
The book-keeper, a short and stocky man whose age is creeping slowly towards retirement wanders across to the two boys, the look of impatience he has on his face is quickly replaced with a smile when he reaches them. “Is everything okay boys?”
“He can’t find the book he wanted,” answers Zen.
“Which one are you looking for?” asks the book-keeper.
Joe takes one last scan of the shelves, his eyes flitting across dozens of familiar but not right titles. “Snow White,” says Joe.
“Snow White! Why would you want that? That’s a girl’s book,” decries Zen.
Joe looks at his friend. They both have the same sharp features, adding to the impression they could be brothers. “I was going to buy it for Win,” he replies.
The book-keeper has no need to look for Snow White. He knows the fate of every book in his store.
“I’m afraid that particular book has sold out. It proved very popular this week.”
Joe’s disappointment deepens further, but as he casts his eyes to the floor, a small paperback book poking half in and half out from between the floor and the shelves catches his eye. He ducks down and picks it up.
“Island Adventures,” he mumbles to himself as he flips the book over to read the summary. His frown becomes a smile.
“I’ll take this one instead. I’m sure Win will like it.”
Zen takes the book from Joe and glances at the back as the book-keeper tells Joe. “It’s £2.95 for that one.”
Joe reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of coins. He thrusts them into a large shovel like hand of the book-keeper. “I’ve been saving from my pocket money. I hope that’s enough.”
The elderly book-keeper takes the change and counts through the coins individually.
“Why are you buying a book for Win?” asks Zen as the book-keeper continues to count.
“I promised I’d read her a story while we’re on the plane.”
It’s a few pennies short but hearing Joe’s reason and a quick glance at the hopeful look on Joe’s face softens the book-keeper’s heart. “That’s exactly right, young man.”
It has the propensity to be a good beginning apart from the problems I'll outline below. Sue has mentioned two of them.
You have two boys in a book shop; one is looking for a book for his friend Win, but it's sold out, though no reason is given: is this going to be important later? It's sufficiently unusual that there's been a run on Snow white, so I hope there's a reason. Otherwise, change the seeming importance of it here.
Win is going to be on an aeroplane: are both the boys? We don't know.
So you've placed questions, which is a good beginning - the reader will want to find out the answers.
'book library throws open its doors for children to pick up books' - lose the first 'book'
'to help tie them' - tide them over!
'to pick up books...picked up their books' - repetition; you must lose one of these.
'summer holiday...summer'
'Joe listlessly searches... The athletic Joe searches intently' - contradiction
You have 'book' or 'books' five times in the first five lines, which is far too many. Try to avoid repetition, especially within the same line.
“I wasn’t sure I’d have enough money to buy it.” - why would he pay for a library book?
A book-keeper is a person who keeps accounts; a librarian runs a mobile library; and store-keeper runs a store.
'The book-keeper, a short and stocky man whose age is creeping slowly towards retirement wanders across to the two boys, the look of impatience he has on his face is quickly replaced with a smile when he reaches them. “Is everything okay boys?” ' There is punctuation missing here. Comma after 'retirement'; Full stop after 'two boys', capital at' The look'; comma after 'okay'
'“Snow White,” says Joe.' We know it's Joe speaking as his is the last action mentioned. Don't tell us.
Similarly, 'asks, says, replies, decries' - you really don't need these if the punctuation or the gist of the speech is self-explanatory. Zen's words are clearly sneering (not decrying), so we don't need you to tell us that they are.
At what point did the library become a store? ' “I’m afraid that particular book has sold out.' - books aren't sold from a library, except in an occasional clearance of the shelves.
'a large shovel like hand of the book-keeper.' - 'the large...'
Hope this helps.
Lorraine
Many thanks Susan, great comments. Will definitely correct these faults.
Hi Melinda - right at the beginning you have a contradiction '...while Joe listlessly searches the racks for something.The athletic Joe searches intently,...'
Joe can't be searching listlessly in one sentence and intently in the next. Then I was confused, because it's a mobile school book library (usually a place to borrow books from), but if Joe wasn't sure he would have enough money to buy the book he wanted, it sounds more like a book shop?
It's a little too short to get a proper flavour of the story but it's a nice beginning.