Sweet Satisfaction

by Narisse Philip
26th August 2015

"Baby Please!" she gasped "Oooh! Ahh! Not there," she said breathlessly as he slightly brushed against her dripping master piece with he's tongue. " Delicious, what a delectable p*ssy you have"..

Just a taste..

tell me what you think just one chapter though

This is James's Point of view

Chapter 1 - * Peach Perfect*

There she was, she came when I called just like a faithful little puppy. She was so obedient, she liked me I knew it but that wasn't really my business as long as she was obedient that was all that mattered. "Come with me tonight" I said, "Tonight we shall be working in the club".

Timidly she came with me. Submission I like that in a woman. She smiled I think she worships the ground I walk on. Good! I told her what to say when to say it what to wear, where to wear it and she did it willingly. I had her under my little finger. Yah I know i'm being a bit mean but if you were on my position, you'd do it too.

Tonight she wore a peach silk fitted dress that complimented her curves beautiful and stopped just above her knee, she had on gold 2 inch pumps and a simple gold chain with a diamond heart pendant and surprisingly the gold watch I gave her as a Christmas present. Come to think of it she always wore that watch. Her reddish brown hair was in simple curls she looked amazing; I mean she had to look this way if she was gonna representative of Xfactor Club & Bar.

"Good Evening Miss, May I say you look astonishing tonight." I said, "Is this all for me love?" My eyes flitted over her body for a minute before I said "I hope you enjoy yourself tonight, if I need you I will call, bye Angel". I left as she wandered over to the bar and ordered an purple martini. I got business done while always keeping eyes on her finally it got to busy so I put her in the bar. She looked so much like she belonged there they way she laughed in amusement at the costumers witty jokes, the innocent sparkle in her eyes when a guy tried to get her to hook up with him but she politely put him off.. Good! she was mine and I wasn't about to let her out of my sight.

The bar had finally closed after a long night and she was sitting there patiently as I had told her. She looked so innocent and lonely by herself over there. As she saw me her eyes lighted up and a blush stole across her face. I liked when she blushed a slight dark pink against her caramel coloured skin her big brown eyes looked hazel under the fluorescent light. Her lips just slightly parted in an unknown pout. She eyed her Long Island ice tea longingly. "Don't stop because of me," I said nodding towards the drink. She hastily took a sip and smiled. "Want a drink" she asked. I smiled "Always ready to please me I see." She stammered "n-no that's not it I-I just wanted to know if you w-wanted a drink that's all. She was profusely flustered. That finally broke me I wanted to wipe that innocent look off her face once and for all. I wanted it to be replaced with want, lust, seduction anything else but not that look. It was ripping at my heart and this wasn't welcomed, I was a hard man no feelings I took what I wanted without a backward glance. She was making me glance back. I strided towards her looked into those huge brown eyes, tilted her face upwards and kissed her. She whimpered in shock then I felt her hesitate and then finally she responded. She slowly let me in as she kissed back . Her hands slowly caressed my chest making my dick respond. She bit me then licked it, she tasted like mamas homemade lemonade with just a touch of spice. I uncurled her curls as my fingers ravished her hair. So good did she always taste so good? If her mouth tasted this good I wonder what her kitty taste like. I pulled away and her head dropped to my chest breathless. She looked up at me with those big brown eyes filled with what, fear?. Oh god what had I done. "What was that for" she breathed. 'I don't know" I murmured. She turned around grabbed her stuff and exited in a flash, I didn't even blame her I watched her walk out not even a good bye and this time I let her.

Comments

I have nothing against erotica being shared on this site, though "Submission I like that in a woman" (aside from needing at east a comma) put me off reading any further. (Submission: I hate that in a woman in a novel. Too many dick-headed men get their rocks off on that shit, and I honestly believe that it affects the way that they treat women outside of the printed page.) Your novel might - in fact - treat James with the contempt that he deserves, but you start with his point of view and thus lose my interest. I don't want to find out what happens to this loser.

That's just my personal opinion.

However, there are to my knowledge at least 2 legal-minor users of this site. One seems very mature for his age, the other the complete opposite. That's by the bye. The point is that you should stick up a few warning signs. I agree with Lorraine that I wouldn't class this as "Romance". A teenaged girl might just be attracted to such a genre, and our own particular specimen has already (through "paranoia with delusions of grandeur") threatened to report another user for inappropriate behaviour.

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Wilhelmina
Lyre
330 points
Developing your craft
Wilhelmina Lyre
29/08/2015

Not sure whether this contravenes the community guidelines (have a look in the menu on the left); but it's in the vein of 50 Shades - more erotica than romance.

A few general pointers:

Break up your text: a new line for each new speaker, for a start.

Punctuate.

Watch your grammar - 'I strided' doesn't exist: 'I strode'; 'her eyes lit up', not 'lighted'.

'her head' isn't 'breathless'.

mama's - belonging to mama; not 'mamas'

Remember that you are writing for someone else to read, so make it intelligible.

Lorraine

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Lorraine
Swoboda
1105 points
Practical publishing
Fiction
Crime, Mystery, Thriller
Historical
Romance
Autobiography, Biography and Memoir
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Lorraine Swoboda
26/08/2015