Through my struggle is a book i decided to write about a young girl facing physical abuse of her alcoholic father after her mother's death. Growing up she learned to shield her emotions, be immune to pain and live through difficulty without a shed tear, at the age of 18 years she got a job at a small diner working as a waiter,although she does'nt talk much or socialize for that matter ,she meets a young fellow not that much older than her, the young fellow takes interest at the void and scared girl, but she wants nothing to do with him and giving up is not an option on his books and slowly but surely she warms up to him...Through her struggles came a golden price.
PROLOGUE:
Little Debbie Eloise Downer sat at her usual chair at the back of the class, starring straight out the window, her mind far from what the rest of the learners in Ridgewood preliminary school 6th form in art class where doing. Usually Debbie paid much attention to this class because Art is her favourite subject aside from Mathematics, but today 10 year old Debbie sense something was wrong with today and it was confirmed when Mrs Woods the schools principal knocked on their class.
" Morning Miss Reed, can i have Debbie Downer come with me please "
"Debbie sweetheart please come with me, you can pack your things "
Rising from where she sat, she quickly packed her belongings and made her way towards the principal and miss Reed
" Am i in Trouble? " she asked with a soft voice with her head facing the floor.
"No, Debbie your not in trouble it is just something i wanted to discuss with you, come on "
Arriving at the principals office Debbie saw her Father Jack Downer sat at one of the Two chairs in the principals office, sitting down Debbie never made eye contact with her father ,as she was told to never look at him at the eyes.
" As you can see Debbie your father is here to fetch you. "
Debbie felt very confused at the statement the principal just made
"Why? "
"There was a car accident in the main road in parkstown, Two trucks collided with a minivan at a stop sign. The minivan was your mothers Car Debbie,the glass windshield punctured her ribcage as the two trucks hit her with full force without impact , she's in a hospital...Im so sorry "
Feeling broken Debbie shot out from where she sat and ran out the school building to her sectret place in the woods, slouching down against the tree she cried.
Its been hours since she ran away after hearing about her hospitalised mother, arriving home she noticed her father on the staircase with a bottle of brandy in hand and tears streamind down his face.
"They could'nt save her, she died on impact, there was nothing they could do to save her, why her God? Why not YOU instead, it would've have been better , we would've gotten over it, i Ha- "
"No, Dad we will fi- "
"SHUT UP, if you were'nt a minor i would've kicked your scrawny little ass to the curve , i dont want you here "
Standing upright Jack throws the half empty bottle of brandy straight towards Debbie's head, ducking , the bottle broke on the wall behind her.
" YOU SELFLESS BITCH, LOOk WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT COSTS? HUH DO YOU? "
"i'll make you regret ever killing My wife "
Jack ran forward grabing her by her long black hair , he dragged her across the living into the basement, with Debbie struggling against her fathers grip on her hair, she faught with the little strenght she had left, but didnt stop her father from beating her senseless. With every punch, kick , throw to the wall, she wished is was her who died instead of her mother,even though her mother's death is not on her,she felt like all of it was her fault. With every tear streaming down her face, she hoped for it to end very soon.
With the last kick to her bruised ribs her father left her there almost lifeless, welcoming pain as darkness took over her blurry vision.
The woman whom she was groomed to love and protect was gone, her bestfriend, her pillar of strength, the woman who's love was unconditional towards her young one was gone and never to be seen again.
Andile, this is a strong story, the sense of which is contained in the last line. It's the story of a lonely girl deprived, by an accident of fate, of the one woman who could help her.
You have to be careful with tenses. 'Its been hours since she ran away' - should be 'It had been hours since she ran away'. 'today 10 year old Debbie sense something was wrong' - 'sensed'. 'even though her mother's death is not on her,she felt like all of it was her fault' - 'her mother's death was not on her'. All of your story takes place in the past, so everything that describes what happened then has to be in the past.
You say that someone - mother or father? - told her never to look her father in the eyes; this is a very important point, because it tells us a lot about his attitude towards her even before her mother died. If you broke the sentence up more with punctuation, it would have more impact.
'Arriving at the principal's office, Debbie saw her father sitting in one of the two chairs. Debbie made no eye contact with him as she sat down. She had been told never to look him in the eye.'
This avoids repeating 'the principal's office' and 'never'. Debbie would not say, 'my father Jack Downer' because she knows his name. Introduce it somewhere else. You don't sit at a chair but in one.
You mean 'selfish bitch' not 'selfless'.
Was Debbie 'groomed' to love and protect her mother - and protect her from what?
Keep telling your story, but watch your punctuation. 'Standing upright Jack throws the half empty bottle of brandy straight towards Debbie's head, ducking , the bottle broke on the wall behind her.' Jack threw the bottle; who is ducking? The bottle or Debbie? Check your work closely to make sure it says what you intend it to say.
Hope this helps.
Lorraine
wow this rips at the heart strings, its good keep up the good writing.
wow this rips at the heart strings, its good keep up the good writing.