Triskel

by Louise McKnight
4th March 2015

Prologue

For thousands of years tribes have been using tattoos to signify many different things, some are used to tell stories, some are for strength and protection but for the special few they can be used as weapons.

Since time began those few who were chosen by the Gods, have been defending the masses from unimaginable evil. Sometimes they win and life goes on as normal with no-one the wiser, but when they do lose the masses suffer.

Examples of these loses are strewn throughout history. Pompeii and Herculaneum, the Dark Ages, tsunamis and earthquakes, if you know the signs of the involvement of the Horde (as we have come to call them) is obvious.

I am Nacre Adrim and I am a Hunter, a Druid, charged by the Gods with tracking down any of the Horde that manage to make it to this plane and destroy them along with their allies.

I have battled the Horde for centuries, nearly all my life. I know how they think, what motivates them but right now it’s gone quiet and that’s not good. Something’s coming, I can feel it and it’s going to be big. The thing that scares me the most is that I don’t know if we can stand against it this time.

In the beginning...

There was nothing before, of that she was absolutely sure. Now all that she knew of the world was pain but not just hers, there was another in the darkness crying out....... Mother.

She might not have actually known the word but she knew that the one carrying her was being hurt, she could hear her heart, it was beating so fast.

“Please you have to stop! I know nothing, even you cannot be so heartless! Why are you following their orders? Why?” She was pleading with whoever it was that was causing them this pain.

The voices were muffled but she could hear the others close to her mother. “You know you have all signed your death warrants. He’ll hunt you down and make you suffer no matter what happens to me or our child! You’re all dead!”

So her mother was aware of her and was trying to do what she could to save them both. But she was failing, her body wasn’t meant to withstand this, they were both dying and there was nothing she could do to help. As she became resigned to her fate another feeling distracted her from the pain, she didn’t know how to describe it. What was this?

"I believe you would call it hope young one."

Hope? What was she supposed to do with that? Why would her mother try to give her hope now when it seemed their fate was sealed?

"I am not your mother little one, but through you, we can both help her, now listen closely and do exactly as I say."

“Stand her up, this has to look like an Orc attack.” This was it. Both she and her child were going to die in the middle of nowhere, she trusted them, they were supposed to be her friends but now they shown their true colours and turned on her like the cowardly filth they truly were.

“You’ll all burn for this you know?” She hoped she sounded more angry and defiant than scared. A smirk crossed his face as he raised the sword that would end her life, his voice was oozing smugness at the success of their plan. “Not before you do you bit...”

He took a step back with a look of confusion on his face as she felt what he must have seen. Warmth, an intense heat coming from her abdomen, right in the centre of her swollen belly but it wasn’t painful which surprised her. She knew the heat should have been burning through her body, the pain searing her nerve endings but it wasn’t.

Then an intense jet of fire was shooting from her, it consumed the one with the sword completely. He was fortunate he died quickly, painlessly the two behind him weren’t as lucky. One had half his face and left shoulder/ arm burned to the bone. He lived long enough to experience the pain as the blood drained from his body through the wounds.

The other was caught in the stomach and would survive long enough to tell the nearby rescuers that they weren’t the first to turn and they wouldn’t be the last.

She stood there dumbfounded trying to grasp what had just happened, the carnage about her was unbelievable. Falling to her knees she started to weep, partly out of relief but also fear of the events that saved her and the life inside. As a wave of exhaustion overtook her, Shan Adrim could hear the cries in the distance. She knew her friends were close. The heat was subsiding she looked down at her stomach, her shirt had been burnt away and she could just make out two tiny hands on her abdomen at the centre of a glowing triskel.

As she lost consciousness a tear ran down her cheek. What did all of this mean for her unborn child? "Rest now child, you will both be taken care of. You are safe now. Rest....."

Many Years Later...

Chapter 1

It was a warm Autumnal evening the deep golden sunlight shone through the golden leaves and outside the council chambers Rel Iloch was pacing back and forth along the ancient corridor, his passing kicking up small clouds of dust that danced lazily in the shafts of light.

“For the life of me Nacre I don’t know why you keep doing this!” He sighed looking at his partner feeling exasperated. There they were, summoned to yet another council hearing because Nacre refused to follow protocol on missions.

“Aww come on Rel these things are just routine!” He watched as she practiced single handed, handstands carefully lowering herself down till her chin nearly touched the windowsill. It infuriated him to see her acting so nonchalant at the prospect of having to face the Council and explain themselves.

“Nacre they are not routine!” This was unbelievable, it infuriated Rel that she was so nonchalant everything was a game to her.

“You broke protocol again! We were supposed to send word to the council and wait for authorisation to proceed! For the love of the Gods Nacre would it have been so hard to, just this once, have let them send word back to us before you acted?"

Nacre looked at him, she too was exasperated that he didn’t see the situation the same way she did. “Rel, it’s easier to beg for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.” Nacre grinned at him as she jumped down from the window, with her auburn hair catching in the sunlight for a second it looked like it was made of fire.

Landing with the catlike stealth that was almost synonymous with the good hunters, Nacre continued. "Besides, if we had've waited then innocent girls would be dead and those mongrels would have disappeared into the night! At any rate these bloody councilors have spent too long on the sidelines, they wouldn’t know their arses from their elbows!”

Rel had to snort to suppress a childish snigger at Nacre’s less than flattering description of the Hunter’s council, accurate or not it was disrespectful and he didn’t want to get caught laughing at such a vulgar slight against them. Like Nacre, Rel didn’t like the bureaucracy that came with dealing with the council but he understood that these rules were in place to ensure that Hunters didn’t run off half cocked causing more damage and chaos than those they were supposed to be fighting.

A weathered voice from behind broke into their conversation almost making Rel jump out of his skin. “Well now young Hunters, you know when one reaches a certain age the skin does lose it’s elasticity somewhat and some things do tend to, well blend together but I do believe I can still tell the difference between the two Hunter Adrim, having knocked you on yours often enough in my class!”

Nacre’s head turned almost immediately with one of her winning smiles on her face for her old mentor. “Uncle Chell, of course you are the clear exception to the rule you know that! Though there are a few that I can think of that could learn a lot from you, as a matter of fact it is your experience in the field…”

She would have loved to continue on with her friendly banter with Chell but Lar Davin rounded the corner and interrupted Nacre, much to her chargin.

“So then, your insubordination is not just confined to your missions!? Do I have to launch an investigation into your conduct off the field as well Hunter Adrim? You do know nothing would make me happier!”

“Lar as always you’re quick to criticise the jobs that you yourself could never perform. What next, will you be telling the healers what herbs they should be using?” Nacre never did enjoy having any contact with Lar.

Ever since they were young Nacre and Lar had been rivals, as both of their families had a long distinguished record in battling the Horde.

From day one they were at eachothers throats, on occasion she referred him as the shaved ferret due to his rodent like features something that had made its way back to Lar though she never hid that fact from him either.

His overblown sense of importance and entitlement had always caused trouble. Given that it was she who had saved his life on the very first mission they were on didn’t seem to improve his attitude toward her or anyone else one bit.

Lar had made a rudimentary mistake in not properly securing their exit. He had seen it as a job that was beneath someone that came from such a prominent lineage and for that he took a poisoned orc blade to the midriff.

For this act of sheer incompetence Lar should have been severely punished by the council when they made it home. Infact had it not been for the intervention of his father pulling strings and using all of his influence to get him a seat on the council Lar would have ended up as a liaison for the humans, something that would have been seen as a disgrace in his family's eyes.

The formal reason given on the record was that the poison on the blade also carried an enchantment which masked the orc from detection (everyone knew it was a lie but there was no solid proof as the blade mysteriously vanished before it could be examined) and it had also cursed him preventing Lar from ever again casting properly so it was wiser to allow him a seat on the council while a remedy was searched for.

Once he was cured Lar would then resign his seat and continue on as a Hunter, that was so many years ago now Nacre wondered if he knew how a sword works.

Lar sneered at Nacre thinking that his position on the council automatically gave him an elevated status. “You know fine rightly Hunter Adrim that you are to refer to me by my appropriate rank! This is unacceptable behavior, intolerable! You can be assured that for this I will be seeking…”

“That particular rule is only in effect whilst in the council chambers, during a council session. Surely you would know that Lar?” Nacre loved nothing more than to wipe that smug look of his weaselly face, and while she didn’t appreciate most of the councils rules, (seeing them as restrictive to her job in the field) she had made a point of committing all of them to memory so others couldn’t use her ignorance against her.

“Ahem!” Chell always knew his “niece” well and he also knew when she was looking to rattle a cage, unfortunately Lar Davin was all too willing to rise to her baiting “Davin we should make a move inside and take our seats, you know how they’ll complain if this takes too long with joints cramping and becoming painful.” He said feigning irritation at his fellow councillors.

As the two moved away he added a conspiratorial wink to Nacre over Lar’s shoulder. “Ah yes Chell quite right.” Lar pulled on his robes and straightened his posture trying to look more official as he regained his composure.

Walking away from the two young Hunters Chell Convim couldn’t help remembering Nacre’s early years training in the Castus. Even though Chell wasn’t related directly to the Adrim’s through blood, he was accepted as Nacre’s, father’s blood brother when he almost died saving her mother during one of the largest Horde incursions in living memory.

The injuries he suffered that day were horrific and for a while it didn’t look like he would recover and even though he eventually recovered his initial injuries meant Chell couldn’t have children of his own but between Nacre, her siblings and training at the Castus he had never felt childless.

The exchange between Nacre and Lar got Rel going again “By the Mother, woman do you ever think about your actions?! Lar hates me-us, Lar, hates us. And we both know who he’s going to take it out on!”

Lar had always picked on Rel. He was a bit of a social outcast and an easy target for bullies since his father was a Druid and his mother was a Wiccan.

This was because a Druid’s magicks are based on nature and the elements they could be used in an offensive or defensive manner, where the Wiccans powers are more metaphysical, focused on healing both physical and spiritual wounds they are also able to contact those who had passed on.

As a result of his unusual parentage, Rel was often forced to defend himself from bullies like Lar and his cronies who loved nothing more than an easy target to prove their supposed superiority. In fact it was due to one such attack on Rel that he and Nacre actually became friends.

Nacre was sitting under a tree in the grounds of the Castus stretched out relaxing in the warm summer sunshine when she heard a group approaching her spot fast shouting all the way. As she went to see what was happening Rel all but ran into her.

“Gods Rel would ya watch it!” looking at him she could see he had been in some sort of altercation, his shirt was torn and his lip was bleeding. “Let me guess, Lar again?”

It took Rel a second to catch his breath before he could speak, “well yeah, he didn’t appreciate me breaking his nose after our last encounter. So now he’s brought some mates along to help get his message through and I mean ok my defense spells are good but not that good!”

“Ugh son of a…. right screw it I’m fed up with this crap!” She purposefully put herself between Rel and the wannabe lynch mob. “Seriously Lar five on one? Well, two now, but still he beat you in a fair fight and now you want payback? Are you seriously that pathetic?”

“Stay out of this Nacre, I don’t want to have to beat you too! It would be a shame if anything happened to that pretty face.” Lar’s face was red from the chase, a look which only brought more attention to his swollen disjointed nose. She sneered at him ,“Lar don’t worry about it you won’t, hell I’ll even reset your nose for you, no charge it’ll be a pleasure trust me!”

The fact that he kept highlighting the differences between their gender as an attempt to make her feel inferior only made her want to hit him even more. Lar thought that women were only good for birthing babies and looking after the home, he notoriously argued with their instructors when he was matched with a girl as either his partner or opponent.

Lar might have been prepared to take on Nacre but his friends didn’t like the idea of having to fight her as she was near the top of the class in hand-to-hand combat and her offensive spell casting was unmatched.

Some of them started to back off thinking that maybe it was a better idea they chance their luck elsewhere and Nacre let her guard drop for a second. One of Lar’s larger more oafish friends decided to take advantage when Nacre turned to talk to Rel. Rel, due to his past experiences with bullies was ever vigilant and seen it coming “Look out Nacre!”

As he shouted he cast a spell to defend her and the blow which should have connected with the back of Nacre’s neck and possibly caused some serious damage, was harmlessly deflected.

Hearing the warning Nacre spun and catching the deflected fist she struck at the back of his elbow, fracturing the joint and rendering the arm useless.

“Ya bloody edjit! Honestly what made you think that would work, huh? Lar you better take Captain Brainstorm here to the medical wing and careful he’s either gonna be sick or collapse…. probably both, not pretty.” The other boys didn’t need any more of an excuse to get out of there taking full advantage of aiding their unfortunate comrade to hide any damage to their pride.

Rel couldn’t help but laugh as Lar’s friends slowly carried the injured the boy off to be looked after by the healers and sure enough before he lost consciousness he threw up, twice.

From then on they were paired together first in their classes then as Hunters (as it turned out Rel was exceptional at defense spells, which is perfect when you’re working with someone like Nacre).

Comments

Thanks for your input Lorraine reading through it like that has really helped! It is supposed to Titled "Triskel" you hit the nail on the head even now I have had to fight with autocorrect to spell it properly! I'm definitely going to go over this with a fine toothed comb now make sure I haven't made any other rookie mistakes! :)

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Louise McKnight
03/06/2015

Hi Louise, thanks for sharing. Triskel or trickle? You may be a victim of spellchecker in your comment.

I'll comment on the first two parts, if I may. I know it's a first draught, but there are things that you must learn to apply to your writing: punctuation is a major problem; change in point of view (POV) is another. You have to decide whose the narrative voice is here and stick to it.

There are people who are allergic to prologues. Unless they add significantly to the story, they should be avoided. There is also something to be said for not writing the prologue (if you choose to have one) until you've finished the novel. Don't use it to lead your reader where they will, if you get it right, be taken by the story.

'if you know the signs of the involvement of the Horde (as we have come to call them) is obvious.' - Be careful when reading your work, to read it word for word as it is written, not as you think you wrote it.

'the Dark Ages' - not sure why this is here: the Dark Ages were so-called because there wasn't a lot of information about them; but archaeology has unearthed wonderful arts and treasures from this time of trade, travel and adventure.

There's a problem here; the prologue is set in one timescale, then we go back to 'In the Beginning' and then on to 'Many Years Later' - it's all over the place. Why not let 'In the Beginning' serve as your prologue, whether or not you give it that name, and leave out the first part entirely.

'For thousands of years tribes have been using tattoos to signify many different things, some are used to tell stories, some are for strength and protection but for the special few they can be used as weapons.'

'Now all that she knew of the world was pain but not just hers,' - you have a blind spot when it comes to punctuation: this line should have a comma or even a dash after 'pain'.

In the previous line, you should use a full stop after 'things' - the following words stand alone and are not a straight continuation of the first part. There should also be a break of some kind after protection - comma or semi-colon. If you read the lines aloud, you'd hear the break or change, small as it may be; at that point, insert punctuation.

'She might not have actually known the word' - this is authorial voice: as we're looking through the eyes of the unborn child, this comment can't be here. She's working on her senses, and that includes the motherness of the person carrying her. Leave out his comment.

'She was pleading with whoever it was that was causing them this pain.' - That's obvious from the speech: this is not needed.

'she could hear the heart...she could hear the others' - we know the speaker can only work on what she hears, so don't repeat it.

*At this point you're happy to have the child learning what's happening through hearing and empathy with her mother; later you tell us much that she can't possibly see or know. See later comments*

'So her mother was aware of her and was trying to do what she could to save them both.' - Again, we know this, so don't tell us. Remember that the speaker can only express what she knows or feels - she can't possibly make this kind of analysis.

' But she was failing, her body wasn’t meant to withstand this, they were both dying and there was nothing she could do to help.' Punctuation again: more than a comma needed after 'this'.

'another feeling distracted her from the pain, she didn’t know how to describe it. What was this?' Comma not enough. Lose 'What was this?' - it's unnecessary; we already know she doesn't understand it.

'I believe you would call it hope young one' - without a comma, this reads as you would call it Hope Young One.

'I am not your mother little one, but through you, we can both help her, now listen closely and do exactly as I say.' - comma at 'one', new sentence at 'Now'

'Stand her up, this has to look like an Orc attack.' - comma insufficient.

'This was it. Both she and her child were going to die in the middle of nowhere, she trusted them, they were supposed to be her friends but now they shown their true colours and turned on her like the cowardly filth they truly were.

“You’ll all burn for this you know?” She hoped she sounded more angry and defiant than scared. ' You've shifted POV. All the foregoing was told through the infant's thoughts; now you have us reading the mother's. This can't happen - take one POV and stick to it, particularly in a section this small.

'now they shown'?

Your punctuation is shot in this section too.

'You’ll all burn for this you know?' - that's a modern, upward-inflection sort of question. Is this what you want for your character? The words themselves are not a question but a statement.

'A smirk crossed his face as he raised the sword that would end her life, his voice was oozing smugness at the success of their plan.' The narrator/child can't see any of this. If you lose 'was', you can have a comma at 'life'; if you keep it, the second part of the sentence is a separate entity and needs more. I'd lose it, as it's a change of tense from past to continuous.

'Then an intense jet of fire was shooting from her' - this is so limp, when it should be the pivotal moment of the scene. Never start a sentence with 'Then' if you can avoid it - it slows things down. Why have you moved to the continuous past tense again? How much more import would it have if you said 'an intense jet of fire shot from her'?

The comma at the end of that phrase is not enough.

'Warmth, an intense heat coming from her abdomen, right in the centre of her swollen belly but it wasn’t painful which surprised her.' This isn't a sentence; you don't need abdomen and swollen belly - stick with the latter; a comma isn't enough after belly; and 'which surprised her' is clumsy.

'She knew the heat should have been burning through her body, the pain searing her nerve endings but it wasn’t.' Make the point more strongly by separating 'but it wasn't' - either with a semi-colon, or by making it a stand-alone sentence.

'He was fortunate he died quickly, painlessly the two behind him weren’t as lucky. ' - Look at the punctuation (or lack of it) here. As written, it doesn't make any sense.

'left shoulder/ arm' - this is shorthand and has no place here. Aren't you sure which? Do you expect your reader to say 'shoulder-slash-arm'? Change it.

'He lived long enough to experience the pain as the blood drained from his body through the wounds.' - Would fire cauterise a wound? Would he bleed to death through burns?

Your narrator can't know any of this.

'the nearby rescuers' - clumsy throwaway line

'She stood there dumbfounded trying to grasp what had just happened, the carnage about her was unbelievable.' - punctuation

'She knew her friends were close.' - closer than the nearby rescuers?

'The heat was subsiding she looked down at her stomach, her shirt had been burnt away...' punctuation is again missing and messed up.

'As she lost consciousness a tear ran down her cheek. What did all of this mean for her unborn child? "Rest now child, you will both be taken care of. You are safe now. Rest.....' She's lost consciousness - she can't then ask the question. As written, the speech seems to belong to her, whereas it's the unknown pother entity speaking. This should be on a separate line, and I'd suggest (though you can't do it here) that this voice always appears in some other font or Italics.

Ellipsis is usually only three dots.

You really need to tie down that POV or this section simply fails.

Hope this helps.

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Lorraine
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Lorraine Swoboda
08/03/2015

This is a sample of my first attempt at writing and my end goal is of course getting and agent and having trickle published. I appreciate any and all constructive comments.

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Louise McKnight
04/03/2015