As the blow landed his head snapped back and he felt a hot burning tear as his lip split, the metallic taste of his own blood made its way into his mouth against his will. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.... I am sorry!", he cried, desperate.
Another blow landed with a wet thud, and a sharp dagger like pain shot into his ribs, making his breathing painful. It was followed closely by another to the same area of rib-cage but this time accompanied by a wet-crack, making him double-over. The sharp edges of the broken ribs piercing muscle and spraying sharp spasms of electricity with each jagged breath.
The two burly men holding his arms behind his back, yanked him hard upright again, as the man facing him flexed his gloved fingers, readying for another blow.
"Pleeeaaasseeee.....", he said, almost a whisper now, desperation having given way rapidly to despair. "Pleeease."
"You know how it works fool, everybody knows how it works!", the contempt was palpable in the deep guttural voice. The man leaned in close to him, breathing acridly into his face, "You broke the rules, you broke my rules, my rules! So, now, somebody's gotta pay and that somebody is you!"
He sank down in the arms of his restrainers, sobbing forcefully, "Forgive me..., please.... have Mercy", he whispered, blood from his mouth dripping in thick drops onto the alley floor.
The gloved man paused, regarding the slumped figure of the man in front of him said, "This aint no Hollywood boy, this is the streets. Obey or pay, thats the rules, my rules." He glanced at his two burly colleagues, "It's you or someone else... I dont care who! I got a rep to uphold."
Hey Imran,
I just had an idea I would like to share with you.
If i had to imagine something landing "with a wet thud"
I wouldn't use "Sharp dagger-like pain shot into his rib" to describe the cracked rib soon after, it might easy to mistake the object he is being beaten with to be the sharp pain rather than the cracked rib. (At least I mistook it for that at first glance)
Perhaps you could briefly describe the object?
You could try something like at the start of your second paragraph. :
"The man facing him flexed his gloved fingers and raised his bloodied beating mace. Another blow landed with a wet thud, and a sharp dagger like pain shot into his ribs, "
This way I can imagine a person beating him and the object he is being beaten with.
This is my first post. Hopefully it helped!
Have an awesome day!
Thank you Lorraine, for taking the time and effort.
This is exactly what I am hoping for!
I will take on board your feedback as I start the editing process.
Hello, Imran. Thanks for sharing.
You have a strong scene here, which could be made stronger with a little editing. In a scene like this you have to be careful to use only the words you need. Too much can weaken the sense of threat. I don't know anything about the antagonist, but you are in danger of making him sound like rent-a-baddie by using clichés and repetitions - fine if that's what you want to achieve.
'As the blow landed his head snapped back and he felt a hot burning tear as his lip split. The metallic taste of his own blood made its way into his mouth against his will.' As it stands, this is a long and slow sentence. I'd split it up as shown.
Do you mean a tear, as in a rip, or a tear as in weeping? It's one of those words that needs thought.
Not sure about 'against his will' - I think we can take that for granted. I'd lose it.
'Another blow landed with a wet thud' - why a wet thud?
'dagger like' - dagger-like - it's a compound word.
'It was followed closely by another to the same area of rib-cage' - if we're seeing this through the victim's eyes, this is too clinical. It needs to have more shock.
'...but this time accompanied by a wet-crack, making him double-over. ' wet crack , double over- they aren't compound words. Actually, I'd change this whole sentence round. 'A rib cracked under another precise blow.' - something like that.
'The sharp edges of the broken ribs piercing muscle and spraying sharp spasms of electricity with each jagged breath.' - repeat of 'sharp'. This isn't a complete sentence; you have no active verb.
If you've mentioned 'ribs' already, use 'bones' here.
'The two burly men holding his arms behind his back, yanked him hard upright again, as the man facing him flexed his gloved fingers, readying for another blow.'
You don't need a comma after 'back'. I think the flexing of the fingers negates the need for
'readying for another blow' - it's implied. Sometimes it's a good idea not to lead your reader by spelling things out. You're trying to keep up the tension here, so keep it taut.
"Pleeeaaasseeee.....", Not necessary, and a juvenile. This detracts from the story. Keep it sharp:"'Please." His voice was barely a whisper, desperation giving way to despair. "Please."'
"You know how it works, fool. Everybody knows how it works!", - I've changed the punctuation in the speech. An exclamation mark is a full stop with added information; it works exactly like a full stop. Therefore you don't need the comma outside the speech marks, and you do need a capital for 'Contempt'. Turning this part into its own sentence improves the tension, too.
'So, now, somebody's gotta pay and that somebody is you!"' This is a cliché, and should be avoided. It doesn't add to the story at all, but turns the aggressor into a cliché too.
'sobbing forcefully,' - there's a lot to be said for avoiding adverbs, and this is a case in point. Firstly, he isn't doing anything forcefully at this point; he's a weakened man. Secondly, 'sobbing' is enough, followed by his broken words.
You can't introduce a speech with 'sobbing forcefully,' and follow it with 'he whispered'; He's either sobbing or whispering, but not both at the same time.
'You broke the rules, you broke my rules, my rules! ' 'rules three times doesn't add anything to the threat. You're better off with, 'You broke my rules.' That's enough, especially if he shoves his face close, or grabs the man by the throat, or makes some other movement to underline his words.
'the slumped figure of the man' - lose 'of the man'; it's repetition, and it isn't necessary - we know who the figure is. Lose 'said'.
'This aint no Hollywood boy,' - punctuation is needed here; otherwise he's saying that 'this is no Hollywood boy', (whatever a Hollywood boy is) as opposed to 'this ain't Hollywood, boy.' ain't, not aint.
Again, 'the rules, my rules' - it's a repeat of what went before, and it's not adding anything. "Obey or pay. That's my rules." That's all you need.
Hope this is what you were looking for!