This is the opening of my novel, as yet untitled. It's set in the UK in a dystopian future.
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I was six months pregnant when they killed you, when they hanged you and made me stand beside you until you were dead. I had kept my eyes focused on the wooden planks below my feet, as we stood almost side by side on the gallows, you were to die, and I was to be made an example of. My fingers were tightly clasped together over the bump of my unborn child, my wrists and ankles shackled together painfully with irons.
The only time I glanced up at you was when they were cataloguing all the crimes we had committed together.
“For having sexual intercourse with another man’s wife...” The juror read out, I smiled slightly and looked up at you. Despite the plain, drab ill fitting linen clothes they’d dressed you in, you were still beautiful to me.
“These vast catalogue of crimes, leave only one way forward, Irvyn. You are sentenced to hang by the neck until you are dead.” In that same breath the trapdoor swung open, I screamed and sunk to the floor, errant wild tears flooding my face.
At the time, I was sure your last words were that you loved me, but afterwards I couldn’t be so sure, maybe it was just the muffled, pained cries of a dying man.
I kept my eyes tightly shut, this may have seemed like cowardice to you, but I swear it wasn’t, I couldn’t watch you die, and I wouldn’t. I moved my hands over my ears to block out the guttural, choking noises you were making. It seemed to go on forever. I tried to focus on the pounding of my own heart instead.
“The revolutionary known as Irvyn is dead.”
I vowed then that everyone would know your story.
Wow, a really powerful beginning, it pained my heart (in a good way) Lovely.
A few pointers - try to avoid double adjectives - just use the most apt - it's best to keep things simple, e.g. just 'wild tears' would be fine. Plain, drab, ill-fitting is three, so way too many.
Like the previous person said - you sank to the floor, not sunk (your spelling/grammar checker should pick that sort of thing up, hopefully!) And no comma after 'This vast catalogue of crimes...'
These are just nit-picky things, because I would love to read this when finished. Now the work begins.
JD
A good strong beginning, Leighanna. It's a stark scene, brief and tightly focused. You've hooked your reader, which is the best way to start.
Do be careful not to overuse commas where other punctuation should be.
'the juror read', not 'The juror' (no capital when the words relate directly to the speech before them) and you need more than a comma after 'out', as 'I smiled' is a change of focus from him to you. I'd use a full stop.
'This vast catalogue' - catalogue is a collective noun, so singular, not plural.
'sank to the floor': a battleship is sunk.
Those are all points to be aware of as you write; they'll save you a lot of editing later if you get them sorted now. However, don't be put off - get on with that story; it sounds well worth telling.
Lorraine
Saw you in the W&A Favourites and thought I would take a look as I admire anyone that just throws caution to the wind and throws their work out there to be read. Honestly, hand on heart, this is great! Heartbreaking & very visual... The sort of stuff that makes you swallow. It's wonderful. And really hope to see more!
Lia x