Visions of the Past - Pt 1

by Timothy Kaplan
3rd October 2014

Time to abuse all of you once more with the clutter that comes out of my head. This is the first section of a short story that was too long to post here. If you want to read the second half, let me know and I'll post it later.

This piece is my first foray into something more sci-fi. Be brutal, I am forming thick skin and the feedback from this terrific group is always welcome.

******

Tom Sexton was normally an easygoing guy, but it was late, and it was Friday. All he could think about now as he worked the controls of his gigantic earthmover was getting out of the dead zone and getting home in one piece. He hated this place. The air seemed hotter out here than anywhere else in the settlements, and the dust smelled like death. Out here there was always the risk of running across some mutated remnant of the outer world, or picking up some exotic disease from the waste that littered the landscape. Nobody he knew worked out here on purpose, but the money offered for this contract had been considerable so he took the job. He had asked along one of his best workers, a young, energetic man by the name of Justin, who seemed to have no fear of this place at all. For now though, his workday was done, and he just wanted to get home. When he saw Justin drop down out of his controls cabin and start walking through the dust, he cursed the boy under his breath.

"Justin! What the hell are you doing? Get back in your cabin!"

"Just a minute!" The younger man yelled back. "I saw something shining".

"It's junk! Leave it be!" Tom replied. But as he watched Justin moving towards something shiny in the dirt, his own curiosity was peaked. Grumbling to himself about the foolishness of youth, he shut down the powerful engines of his machine and climbed down into the dust.

"Do you have any idea where we are?" He admonished the younger man. "This place will kill you in seconds! Get back in your rig!"

Justin was transfixed on a shining, rectangle object half buried in the silt and didn't respond. As Tom moved closer, he could clearly see the dulled silver metal box lying in the dust. He grabbed Justin's arm roughly.

"Stop! That could be an old land mine or something! Do you want to blow us both up?"

Justin was unfazed. "No telling what something like this might be worth though. Could be a strongbox full of money notes from the old days. Still plenty of folks who pay big for things like this."

"You're crazy." Tom scowled at the young man. "Turn us both to mush for a few notes? Forget it! Leave the damn thing alone and let's get out of here. We'll call the authorities tomorrow to come take a look."

"Tomorrow's Saturday." Justin said with a frown. Calling the Authorities to a work site in the dead zone on a Saturday would have them both putting in extra hours.

"Exactly," Tom replied, "Which makes this Friday night. Which means I would like to get home as soon as possible. I'd be nice, if I could do it in one piece too".

"Ok...ok." Justin conceded with a downcast look.

"Look," Tom said in consolation, "Nobody comes out here but us. This thing has been laying here for years, maybe more. It'll be here when we get back to it. If it is treasure, I promise, it's all yours. I just don't feel much like dying today ok?"

"Yeah, yeah. Ok Tom"

"Good man. Now, back in your rig and let's go home."

The pair walked back to their earthmovers, both with thoughtful expressions. For Justin, his head swam with images of what he might do with a box full of old world money. He was sure it would be worth a fortune. Nobody talked about the Old World, far as he knew. In fact, he wasn't really all that sure he would know who to show it to. Still though, he figured it had to be worth something.

Tom, however, had very different thoughts. He was glad to be back in the safety of his controls cabin and moving swiftly away from the thing.

"Just didn't look right," He kept saying. Something about the box had made him very uneasy. He was by no means a scholar of the old days, but he was pretty sure the markings he had seen on the dull silver surface were military. He figured Justin had been too wrapped up in visions of treasure to notice the stenciled block letters, faded by time and dust and barely visible. He had, however. He didn't really know what they meant, but he had a pretty good idea that anything labeled V.E.N.O.M. just couldn't be healthy.

As the machines made their way across the open wastes back to the settlement, the late afternoon sun fell on the silver box. Inside the metal skin small servos whined to life as panels slid open, grinding against the dust and decay that had taken hold and exposing smooth, liquid black photo cells to the last rays of the setting sun. The cells pulsed with life, drinking in the power of the sunlight in deep breathless gulps and sending the energy coursing through the complex internal systems within the box. Circuits that had lain dormant for decades slowly began to take life once more. Once the energy cells had drunk their fill and unseen internal meters registered useable levels, processors took over and went about the task for which they had been designed.

Sensors located beneath the box conducted a survey of the flesh to which the box was attached.

Temperature - Ambient. Pulse - None. Respiration - None. Body Composition - 63% functional, 37% decayed matter

Probes slid from small tubes and pierced the ruined flesh. Capacitors charged with energy and sent current directly to the heart while chemicals flowed from reservoirs into the long collapsed veins. A longer cylindrical tube forced its way into the lungs while a pump spun to life, driving air in and out of the body rhythmically. Slowly, the sensors began to detect changes. The capacitors fell silent, though the chemicals continued to flow and the pump continued to spin. The heart began to beat with a will of its own.

The sunlight began to fade, casting long shadows across the dead zone. In moments, the silver box found itself once more shrouded in darkness. Internal processors made calculations rapidly and accurately, sliding the panels closed and concealing the photocells. Chemicals ceased flowing to the body and were replaced by potent medicines as the air pumps continued to feed fresh oxygen. The processors within the silver box returned to survival mode, and waited.

The next day dawned clear and bright. Somewhere in the dead zone the little silver panels slid open once more, the long unused photo cells drinking deeply from the morning sun. Power meters began to click almost happily as their gauges climbed steadily towards the operating zone. The body beneath the box, wrapped head to toe in a black leathery suit to which the silver box was firmly affixed, began to move.

In the settlement, Tom and Justin were sitting in uncomfortable chairs in the clapboard building that served as the Sheriff’s office and voicing their find to the authorities. The Sheriff, a lean muscular man by the name of James Anderson, listened closely. His eyes were piercing and steady as the two men described the finding of the silver box deep in the dead zone. His only display of emotion was a slight curling of his lips as he considered the implications of a finding from the Old Days. Those memories had long been forgotten. In fact, in many settlements across the New World, information regarding this period of man's existence was considered outlawed. As the New World struggled to gain a foothold amidst the desolation caused by the Alpha Wars, it was generally considered that any knowledge of the old times held the threat of producing similar catastrophic events. As it was, the remaining vestiges of the human race had finally been forced to work and live together in harmony. They had little choice. It was either that, or complete extinction.

"Once more, from the beginning." James asked the men.

"We were moving debris, rocks and things, when Justin saw something shining in the dust." Tom began. "He got down from his cabin to have a look."

Justin looked nervous and spoke with his eyes cast down to the floor. "I thought it might be a cash box or something."

"But you knew you were working in the dead zone, right?" James asked.

"Well, sure," Justin replied, looking even more nervous. "That's why I thought it might be something really cool. Maybe even valuable."

Tom sighed almost at the same time as James did.

"Ok...ok. Then what?" James asked as he rubbed his hand wearily over his face. He could tell this was going to turn in to a long day.

Tom was quick to speak up. "We left it alone, went home, and came here first thing."

"Good move. Ok, before we take a trip out there, is there anything else I need to know about this thing? Any markings, sounds, smells, that sort of thing?"

"Well," Tom said hesitantly. "There were some markings. Real faded and scratched, but I think they said something like...Venom. Only the letters were spaced, you know? Like it was an acronym or something."

The voice from the back of the room was sharp and nervous. "It said what?" The three men turned towards the voice at the same time and looked at the old, drunken man in one of the holding cells.

"Quiet, Andrew." James told the old man. "This doesn't concern you. Just keep quiet and nurse that hangover of yours."

Andrew was old, which was true. He was also very hung over. He drank too much these days and he knew it. But after eighty years on this planet, and having seen and done the things he had, he figured a little booze was the least of his vices.

"You said Venom?" Andrew slurred. "Did it read like V period, E period, N period..."

"Yes Andrew," James sighed. "We covered that part already. Now unless you know something useful, hush."

Andrew chuckled nervously. "Do I know something useful? Oh, I know something useful alright."

"What." Tom asked the old man, getting a bit more interested. "What do you know?"

"Lemme out of here, and lemme sit there like a real human, and I'll tell ya." Andrew said, pointing to the lock on the cell door.

James looked doubtful, but walked over and opened the lock. Andrew walked out of the cell, a bit unsteady, and sat down.

"Coffee?" He asked.

"If you have something to tell us, Andrew, say it." James was beginning to loose his patience, and this whole thing was beginning to feel just a bit too dramatic. It was Justin, who walked over and handed the old man a cup of coffee. Andrew smiled at the boy and took a sip.

"Ugh! Nasty! It will do though."

"Ok then. Tell us what this thing is, if you know."

Andrew took a deep breath and looked each man in the eyes.

"You were right Tom. Venom is an acronym. It stands for Venous Enhancement Neurological Override Mechanism, and it's the nastiest piece of technology ever to come out of the Old Days."

Justin was now very interested, and he could just imagine the value of something like this. His eyes shone as his mind filled with images of his impending wealth.

"Don't forget who found that thing! Remember our deal, Tom!"

Andrew shook his head. "Did you hear what I said, boy? That thing you found has no place in this world. Destroy it! And the body it rides on!"

"Wait...what? What body? There wasn't any body out there, just the box."

"Was it buried, this box of yours?"

"Yeah, we dug it up when we moved some junk. The box was lying in the dust."

"He must be face down. Still buried in dirt, but that won't last long. What time did you dig the box up? Andrew's face looked considerably more sober now, and calculating.

Tom spoke up. "About five. I know because it was getting past time to head home. Yeah, about five I'd say."

Andrew looked thoughtful. "That's a good three hours of light. Not enough after all this time I imagine. But now..." He looked at the clock. "Oh Hell!”

"Just what are we looking at here Andrew?" James interrupted. "What does a body have to do with this box?"

Andrew chuckled. "It isn't a box, Lads. It's a backpack of sorts. A suit. An integrated system of hellish technology built for one purpose. To create mindless, fearless soldiers and keep them alive no matter what."

James was doubtful. “This isn't the Alpha Wars anymore, Andrew. That was 50 years ago! That thing would be dust by now."

Andrew nodded. "Oh yeah, it should be sure. But not these things. It's the suits, you see. They wrap the whole body, face and all. Keeps them safe from everything...even time."

Andrew looked at the clock, his eyes showing his concern. "We need to go; we need to go right now."

Comments

This isn't quite 3rd omniscient, because all of the foregoing is from Tom's POV. Justin is invited by Tom, described by Tom, 'he saw Justin drop down...', 'he watched Justin...' It's all through Tom's eyes, until the point where we see Justin's thoughts. Had you introduced the pair from the start as 'Tom and Justin were working the Friday shift', for instance, that would be 3rd omniscient. The entire scene would be viewed as if from above; what you have here is everything seen from Tom's perspective.

There's nothing wrong with 'by the name of - it's just a repetition.

One more thing - usually numbers are written as words, especially in speech; fifty, not 50.

How do I do it? Just call me picky! Glad to be of help (however annoying!)

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Lorraine
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Lorraine Swoboda
04/10/2014

Lorraine,

As always, much thanks for your time and effort. Most of the errors you point out I can see clearly, but two have me a little confused.

In the case of POV, if the story is written in 3rd omniscient wouldn't the narrator be able to describe the feelings of both men as they separated? I usually avoid 3rd omniscient, but in this case the story follows the inner dialog of all of the characters, including what is happening inside the "box" (something that none of the characters could know), so I felt it to be necessary.

You mention that I introduce both Justin and the Sherriff with "by the name of". What is the correction?

What I found very interesting as I read your remarks regarding the repetition of words is, I could have left them out completely and the line would still make sense. It's odd how the mind works, repeatedly spitting out the same descriptive over and over. Definitely something to work on, and I think it may be one of the keys that takes writing from 'good' to 'great'.

"His eyes cast down to the floor". I think no matter how many times I would have gone over that line, I would have never read it as 'tossing his eyes on the floor'. Great catch.

I don't know how you see so much, so quickly, but I'm glad that you do.

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Timothy Kaplan
03/10/2014

I'm not a sci-fi fan, Timothy, but I like this. You've set the post-apocalypse scene well; and it's good to see that time doesn't stop humans being human, with all that implies. Justin is young, unwise, and out for a quick buck. Tom, older and more careful, still takes a risk by getting out of his cab, even though he's just told Justin not to do that. Curiosity gets the better of him, though he wants no part of the silver item itself.

He's wise to be wary.

There's something comforting in the fact that the authorities, if only on a local scale, are still represented by a sheriff, and that the town jail still holds the obligatory drunk. It's Wild West imagery, but with modern machines and ultra-modern science.

'getting out of the dead zone and getting home in one piece' - you know what I'm going to say!

'hotter out here'; 'outer world'; 'Out here there was...';

'the dust' appears four times in the first thirteen lines.

You introduce Justin and the sheriff as 'by the name of'.

'something shining'; 'something shiny'; 'a shining, rectangle object'; all in five lines. 'rectangular', not 'rectangle'.

Ok - OK or okay, otherwise it's pronounced 'ock'.

'He admonished the younger man...'; 'Tom scowled at the young man.'

You don't need to signal who's speaking every time; it should be obvious. 'Tom scowled'; 'Justin said'; 'Tom replied'; 'Justin conceded'; 'Tom said' - all appear in one section of dialogue.

Last two paras of the first segment: if we have seen everything through Tom's eyes, we can't suddenly be inside Justin's head. This is a shift in POV.

'"Just a minute!" The younger man yelled back.' Don't need a capital at 'The', as it belongs to the speech. Here the exclamation mark is not classed as a full stop.

'the authorities' - not 'Authorities'.

'"Just didn't look right," He kept saying. ' The same applies here - no capital after the comma.

'long collapsed veins.' Are they long, collapsed veins, or long-collapsed veins? Similarly, long-unused'.

Old Days but old times?

'"Once more, from the beginning." James asked the men.' Comma, not full stop at beginning; and strictly speaking it's not a question, so isn't asked. 'James prompted', perhaps.

'"...in the dust." Tom began.' There's that full stop again when it should be a comma.

'spoke with his eyes cast down to the floor.' Did he throw his eyes down to the floor? '...spoke without looking up' or 'avoiding their eyes' might be better.

'Andrew was old, which was true.' This refers to something the author has said, not James, and doesn't quite work. Leave out 'which was true. 'Andrew was an old man, and very hung-over.'

'"What." Tom asked...' Needs a question mark.

' It was Justin, who walked over ...' No comma after Justin.

'box' appears six times in eight lines.

"We need to go; we need to go right now." I'd use a full stop here - makes it snappier and more urgent. "We need to go. We need to go right now."

So: punctuation, and repetition, as before, but also cut out unnecessary dialogue tags. Be careful of POV. Otherwise, you've got a great story here.

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