Visit entry

“The time has come”. Catherine read the words and froze in horror. They looked innocent enough, written on the cheerful looking pink paper, but she knew that the author who wrote them had done so in fear and was trying to disguise it. She had dreaded receiving this news; it was confirmation that all hope had been lost, although she herself still had faith. Closing her eyes she said a silent prayer and then continued to read, her hands shaking the letter slightly.

“I would like to visit as soon as possible to discuss matters…. Please let me know your availability as time is of the essence”.

Catherine frowned at the last sentence wondering why she had received a letter and not a phone call. The postmark was dated a week ago; such a waste of precious time. And the letter itself was written in such a matter of fact way that anyone else reading it would be astounded if they knew the heart-breaking reason behind it.

A bell chimed dolefully in the distance thawing her from her frozen reverie. “For whom the bell tolls” she thought darkly. Sighing, her heart heavy, she folded the letter and made her way up the corridor to her Mother's room; this letter had sealed her fate.

***********************************************

“Dinah, Daisy, come back here! Please”. Anna whispered the last word, almost pleadingly, and sighed wearily as she watched her eight year old twins sprint away from her towards the playground, brown ponytails bobbing in sync. She didn't have the energy to chase them; her body ached as though she had run a marathon. In hindsight walking to the park wasn't a good idea, but it was such a beautiful day and there wouldn't be many more of them, at least not for her.

“Catch us if you can!” Dinah or Daisy shouted gleefully. Anna marvelled at their exuberance and stared wistfully after them. Her thoughts were interrupted by her mobile phone vibrating, a permanent fixture in her pocket nowadays, just in case. She picked it up gingerly, knowing who the caller was, despite the withheld number. It was tempting to ignore it; it was one thing writing about her predicament, but talking about it was different. There would be questions that she didn’t feel ready to answer. She had thought a week would be enough time to come to terms with things, “How wrong can you be” she thought.

“Hello?”

“Thank God! Are you alright?”

Anna let out the breath she didn't realise she had been holding and feigned nonchalance as she replied jauntily.

“Judy, hi, thanks for calling. I take it you received my letter?”

She heard her sigh, a mixture of relief and annoyance.

“It's Catherine and yes I received your letter this morning. Why didn't you call me straight away? How long until.....?”

She didn’t respond. All of a sudden she couldn't find her voice. It was trapped behind the lump that had suddenly lodged itself in her throat. The silence was deafening.

“Are you still there? Anna?”

“Yes I'm fine I was just watching the girls, it looks like they are getting dizzy on the roundabout”. Finishing lamely she realising that was an excellent metaphor for how she felt. The question was when would it stop for her?

“When can you visit, or should I visit you?”

“No I'd prefer to come to you. I like to get out as much as possible. How about 10am tomorrow? The children will be in school so we can talk without distraction; make plans for the future”.

“Yes that's fine. Do you need help getting here? Are you in any pain as I can...?”

“No I can manage. See you then. Goodbye”.

Anna was suddenly annoyed, she was not an invalid. “Yet”, said the sly voice in her head. As if to prove the voice wrong she rose from the bench and walked quickly towards her daughters who were giggling after falling off the roundabout. They got straight back up and had moved on before she arrived. She felt a pang in her heart and hoped they would always be so resilient.

***************************************

“Oh for God's sake!” Without a hint of irony Anna cursed her bad luck as her car sputtered to a stop just outside St Anne's. Repeatedly turning the key had no effect. Ignoring what she would normally consider a bad omen she abandoned the car and started walking. It wasn't far, but it was scorching hot and her energy quickly started to sap. “Why didn't I ask her to visit instead?” Annoyed with herself she continued to walk to her destination. She had always hated the place and even from this distance it looked gloomy and oppressive. Her breath was laboured and she started to feel weak and disorientated. Approaching the door she eyed the large old fashioned knocker and grabbed hold of it gratefully, as though clinging to a life belt in a stormy sea.

Anna didn’t remember knocking, but she must have done. She vaguely remembered being assisted inside, but wasn’t sure by whom. It was only when a waft of pungent incense came her way, acting like smelling salts that she began to revive and regain her composure which was just as well as Catherine was sitting opposite, her face full of concern. She smiled. It made her look younger and less intimidating.

“Are you feeling better, would you like a glass of water?”.

Anna snapped.

“No I’m bloody well not! The car’s broken down, my painkillers aren’t working and I only have six months to live, maybe less.

She raised her hand to prevent interruption.

“...and no I'm not having any more treatment, there's no point. I just want to enjoy what time I have left with the girls. After that....they will need you…. I need you to reassure me that you will look after them. You will have to be more than a sister or an auntie; I need you to be....they will need you to be….theirmother”.

The last two words were said quickly, quietly and very unwillingly. It caused her more pain than her illness ever could to imagine her children growing up without her and the thought of another woman, albeit her sister, taking her role. No painkiller in the world could mask that level of agony.

“It's ironic don't you think? You're the one who has always wanted to be closer to God, yet it's me who’s going to meet him! Your prayers didn't work sis, He hasn't helped me”.

She knew she was being provocative but couldn't resist. The floodgates had opened. Last week she couldn't vocalise her thoughts about her illness. Now she had suddenly developed verbal diarrhoea. It wasn't exactly how she had imagined her visit. She had wanted to appear serene and in control, yet it was her sister who exuded these qualities.

Catherine eyed her sister warily. There were no tears as she expected and there was only one thing she could think of to do. “Come to me”. She held out her arms and after a stunned moment of surprise, Anna embraced her and began to sob, like never before, not even when their parents had been killed in a car accident. The realisation of her dreadful situation finally dawned on her and she cried oceans until the tide was stemmed.

Locked in her sister’s arms Anna felt safe and calm and realised she had missed this closeness. Both would have been content to stay like that all day, but the smell of incense was again wafting in their direction. Anna wrinkled her nose in disgust and broke the embrace. “Don't you ever get tired of that smell?”

“Never. Do you ever get tired of calling me Judy?” She asked teasingly.

“Touché Sister Catherine”.

Chuckling she wiped her eyes and scanned the room. It was as musty and old fashioned as it was five years ago when she had said farewell to Judy and hello to Sister Catherine. She had hated Judy's decision to join the Convent, had tried to talk her out of it. She thought it was such a waste, living with a group of women who could only talk at certain times of the day and isolated themselves from the world to worship, in her view, a non-existent entity. The memory was crystal clear.

“What a waste of your life. What about marriage and kids? Don't you want a family of your own?”.

“I will be married – to God; and the sisters will be my new family”.

Anna remembered how hurt she had felt, rejected and shocked at her sister's decision. “How can she leave me after mum and dad did? I’ll be alone in the world”. She had considered it the ultimate insult and had never quite forgiven her for abandoning her. And yet now she wished her sister could stay. Not only was she happy here, but staying meant nothing would change. Leaving would hurt Judy, but she was prepared to sacrifice her way of life for Anna and her nieces and Anna was immensely grateful and loved her for it.

“Are you sure you can leave?”

“We’ve already been through this. You don’t need to worry at all; I will take care of the girls as if they were my own. Everything has been arranged, it has been for months. The only question is when are you going to tell them? We need to discuss your wishes in more detail. I am here for you all now. In fact, all I need to do is pick up my suitcase, fix your car and take you home and we can tell them together if it makes it easier”.

“What?”

“Oh yes, I’m a dab hand at mechanics now. It’s amazing how much you can learn being a self-sufficient nun, it’s not a complete “waste” you know! I’m ready to leave now if you are. I don’t have much; don’t forget my vow of poverty. I’ve just been waiting for you to feel ready enough to ask.

Anna spluttered, wrong footed, “but you can’t just leave the Convent now, you have to tell them…”

“Darling I’ve spoken several times to Mother Superior and she agrees. I may have to stop being a nun, but that won’t stop me being a loving daughter of God. You and the girls are my priority now, you always should have been and I'm sorry for that, I have wasted time I could have spent with you; if I had known what lay ahead..”.

Any other time Anna would have rolled her eyes, but she sat in stunned silence.

“Catherine, are you sure?” It was the only time Anna had used Judy’s holy name without disdain.

She acknowledged it was a smile. “Yes. The Sisters understand and they will support us”.

Catherine thought back to the conversation with her Mother Superior.

“Mother I'm so sorry to have to leave you all, but I have to look after my sister and her children. They need me”.

“My child I completely understand. You were always destined to be a mother, perhaps not in the way either of us intended, but nonetheless...God works in mysterious ways...”

“So I can call you Judy now without you complaining?!”

“It's Catherine...sorry, bad habit!” Laughter filled the quiet room, breaking the tension.

“Speaking of bad habits we will need to get you some new clothes. You’ve never suited black, it drains your face. And maybe a haircut, God knows what’s happened to your hair under that veil”.

“Yes he does!”.

More laughter. Anna felt re-invigorated. There was so much work to do and so little time, not a second longer could be wasted in fear or bitterness. She felt more alive than ever.

It was strange she thought, one sister was preparing to die, one was being reborn into the world, a resurrection of sorts, to care for another set of sisters, and in doing so they had re-connected. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise.