‘There might be someone that can help, but I really don’t know if it’s such a good idea. She’s not the type of creature you just pop round for tea with.’
Gwen looked up.
‘Please Sable I need to find them,’ she stared pleadingly.
‘Well…ok but we are going to have to wait until it gets dark, if someone spots us attempting to visit Auntie they will try to stop us’
‘Auntie?’ Gwen smiled, that doesn’t sound so scary’
Sable sighed.
‘We are going to get into so much trouble for this.’
When they got back to the Great Library Sable quietly filled in the others on the plan. Albia looked a bit paler than usual when Sable mentioned Auntie. She thought it was a terrible idea but agreed to come anyway.
They found Strom lazily flicking through some books he’d just found on Wulvan philosophy. He seemed to be on the verge of saying no to joining in with ‘some silly little trip’. That was, until Sable mentioned he’d heard a rumour that Auntie ate the weak.
Strom was impressed by this and agreed to come. Gwen was not as impressed and was starting to wish she hadn’t pushed the idea.
It seemed to take forever to get dark. Gwen tried to distract herself by wandering the dusty rows of books. She was so agitated even the most interesting looking ones couldn’t hold her interest for long. She would have to read 'Twenty new ways to ride a Goblin' another day.
She settled for pacing by the fire and listening to Albia and Strom debating. They were arguing over the finer points of cannibalism and about how likely it was that ‘Auntie’ really partook in it.
It didn’t make Gwen feel much better, but she did learn that a 150 pound man would feed about 75 medium sized creatures, so there was that.
Finally, when night came Sable led them out of the Great Library and through the dark and winding side streets. By the time they had reached the outskirts Gwen was desperately lost and glad she hadn’t had to come on her own.
The further out they got, the more overgrown the streets became. Brambles and thorns caught at Gwen’s jeans as they eventually pushed through in to a clearing.
The trees and plants weren’t crowding in here. In fact the ancient gnarled trees seemed to be leaning outwards and stretching away from the shadowed building lurking in the centre of the clearing.
‘There it is.’
Sable gestured towards the middle of the clearing.
Gwen peered in to the gloom. The house was circled by a tall fence and seemed to be curiously perched on some long poles.
No. Wait. Was that…
‘Uh, I think that house has chicken legs. It's standing on chicken legs’
Sable nodded, looking grim.
‘Yeah, trust me, that’s the least creepy bit.’
Gwen steeled herself and walked towards the gap in the circle of fencing surrounding the house. As her foot crossed the entrance the loud sound of a gong rang out into the still night. At the same time fires burst out in a circle along the top of the fence.
In the glow of the new red light Gwen could now see that the fence was actually topped with old cracked skulls of all shapes and sizes and the fence itself made out of bleached bones. The fires were bursting from inside the skulls mouths.
Gwen gulped and turned to look at her companions. She didn't find it reassuring that even Strom looked nervous.
‘Look let’s try to be logical here. She’s on our side, right? They would have banished her if she wasn’t, they certainly wouldn’t have let her live here if she was…you know eating people and stuff. Those bones are probably fake, like a throwback to the olden days or something,’ Albia chattered, actually managing to sound braver than she looked.
Strom was staring unblinkingly at a skull that looked suspiciously wolfish,’ I read that she has a big cooking pot she puts lost pups in.’ it was impossible to tell now if he was scared or excited.
Gwen felt like turning and running back to the relative safety of the library would be a very good idea. But this ‘Auntie’ could help her find her parents. Mum or Dad wouldn’t turn back now, neither would she.
‘Well, I’m going in. Stay here if you want to,’ she started to walk resolutely towards the shack.
Strom shrugged and clapped Sable on the back, ‘ Well I don’t know about you little weedling, but I am not being out braved by a human runt,’ he bared his teeth in a grin and loped after Gwen.
Hi Lorraine, that is really helpful thank you.
I've been reading 'How not to write a novel' today and can see I've got a lot to learn!
Hi, Adam,
Thanks for sharing your work. It's an interesting piece - though not the first chapter, clearly - and the characters are attractive. The unknown Auntie is intriguing,and the sense of wariness growing.
But you do need to tighten up on a few major things. One is punctuation, as you'll see; the other is those floating lines that should be attached to the speeches.
'Gwen looked up.
‘Please Sable I need to find them,’ she stared pleadingly.'
If Gwen is the speaker, put her speech on the same line as the introduction - especially as we don't know who speaks the first line. 'stared' is not a verb of speaking, and so cannot follow a comma at the end of the speech. However, I'd lose it altogether.
Avoid -ly words - they are telling, not showing, and to be discouraged. We already know that Gwen is pleading - she says 'Please' - so don't tell us twice.
'Gwen looked up. ‘Please, Sable, I need to find them.’ - that's all you need.
‘Well…ok but we are going to have to wait until it gets dark, if someone spots us attempting to visit Auntie they will try to stop us’ - punctuation problems.
‘Well, okay. But we are going to have to wait until it gets dark. If someone spots us attempting to visit Auntie, they will try to stop us.’
Why not 'we're' instead of 'we are', and 'they'll'?
‘Auntie?’ Gwen smiled, that doesn’t sound so scary’ - punctuation again.
‘Auntie?’ Gwen smiled. 'That doesn’t sound so scary.’
'Sable sighed.
‘We are going to get into so much trouble for this.’' - as before - put the speech on the same line so we know who the speaker is. (This line is a cliché, by the way.)
Strom was impressed by this and agreed to come. Gwen was not as impressed and was starting to wish she hadn’t pushed the idea. - to avoid repetition, try:
'Strom was impressed by this and agreed to come. Gwen, on the other hand, was starting to wish she hadn’t pushed the idea.'
'interesting looking ones' - 'interesting-looking ones'
'listening to Albia and Strom debating. They were arguing over' - try: 'listening to Albia and Strom debating the finer points' - avoids a form or repetition
'a 150 pound man would feed about 75 medium sized creatures' - the use of numerals in text is a bit of a grey area; over 100, they're okay; but below that they should be spelt out.
Also there's a difference between a weight, and a number of people; so write 'seventy-five'.
'outskirts...out...outwards' - change one or two of these.
'through in to a clearing... in the centre of the clearing...towards the middle of the clearing.' - clumsy: change these.
'‘There it is.’
Sable gestured towards the middle of the clearing.' - as before, put these on the same line to make clear who is speaking.
'No. Wait. Was that...?' It's a question, even if it tails off, so a question mark is needed.
You could use an em-dash instead of the ellipsis.
‘Uh, I think that house has chicken legs. It's standing on chicken legs’ - full stop missing again.
'The house was circled by a tall fence... the circle of fencing surrounding the house...
in a circle along the top of the fence.' Far too much repetition
'the loud sound of a gong rang out' - you don't need 'loud' - it's inherent in 'rang out'
' the skulls mouths' - skulls' ; do skull have mouths?
Try the following punctuation (though the dashes should be en dashes, which are longer, but don't work on here):
‘Look, let’s try to be logical here. She’s on our side, right? They would have banished her if she wasn’t. They certainly wouldn’t have let her live here if she was - you know - eating people and stuff. Those bones are probably fake, like a throwback to the olden days or something,’
'Strom was staring unblinkingly at a skull that looked suspiciously wolfish,’ I read that she has a big cooking pot she puts lost pups in.’ it was impossible to tell now if he was scared or excited.'
Staring implies unblinking, so lose that. Punctuation! Wolfish, or wolf-like?
'Strom was staring at a skull that looked suspiciously wolf-like. ’I read that she has a big cooking pot she puts lost pups in.’ It was impossible to tell now if he was scared or excited.
'Mum or Dad wouldn’t turn back now, neither would she.' - either change the comma to a semi-colon, or add 'so' or 'and'; 'now' twice in three lines
‘Well, I’m going in. Stay here if you want to,’ she started to walk resolutely towards the shack. - you don't need 'resolutely' - another of those -ly words - if you say that she squares her shoulders, or does some other action that shows what she's doing instead of you telling us.
'she started to walk' has nothing to do with the speech itself; it's a new action, so you need a full stop at the end of the speech, and a capital at She.
Strom shrugged and clapped Sable on the back, ‘ Well I don’t know about you little weedling, but I am not being out braved by a human runt,’ he bared his teeth in a grin and loped after Gwen. - punctuation is shot.
'Strom shrugged and clapped Sable on the back. ‘ Well, I don’t know about you, little weedling, but I am not being out-braved by a human runt.’ He bared his teeth in a grin and loped after Gwen.'
Read your words aloud. You will pick up on so many problems that way which your eye glosses over. You'll notice repetitions when you hear them.
Pay attention to your use of commas, and don't forget to put full stops at the ends of lines of dialogue.
Hope this helps.
Lorraine
Hi Clare,
Reading it aloud has definitely helped me see where there needs to be comma's, thank you very much for the pointer. I need them!
Auntie has actually been inspired (as have a few of my other monsters) from real life legends, in this case that of the 'Baba Yaga', hence the chicken legs.