There was a blotchy stain on the ceiling. The floor was covered with a grey, hard wearing carpet. Climbing socks dotted the floor like pebbles on the beach. Boxes littered the room filled with dehydrated foods. Books on survival and birds fought for space on the table overflowing with head torches, plasters, maps and assorted outdoor essentials. Rayne peered into the gloom from where she was lying, her eyes seeking out the figure dancing around putting long johns on and reaching for a sensible green jersey. Rayne realised that somehow this practical chaos had become her temporary sanctuary. She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged herself with happiness.
“Do you want a coffee?” Brien asked gently, with a slight south island lilt. “Ah yeh,” replied Rayne peering up at Brien. “When are you going to take me with you?” Rayne began. Brien frowned and paused to think of the right words, “Yeh. I’m not sure where I am going.” Rayne knew not to push it. If Brien worked in IT she wouldn’t nag to accompany him to update a server or check a network connection. The lure of the Rowi kiwi was irresistible. Rayne imagined that days in the field were magical, but it was still a job for Brien and Rayne was trying to respect this. He padded away, opened the glass door whispering, “I’ll come and say goodbye,” Rayne closed her eyes and smiled in acknowledgement.
About an hour later Rayne woke and registered the cold cup of coffee delivered to her side of the bed. She felt a rise of anxiety that he’d gone. “That’s OK,” she whispered, “he’ll be back later.” Rayne noticed the deep chill in the fridge like room. “Fire time,” she thought, mustering up the energy to remove herself from the deep enveloping warmth of the bed into the chilly, unforgiving room. After an internal struggle she got up and headed for the shed. She opened the metal door and picked up some dry wood and topped it off with Brien’s thoughtful pile of wood chippings. She was distracted by movements behind her and turned to watch the tiny silver eye birds flitting about between the trees; diving and jumping. She was about to go back into the house when she was distracted by footsteps on the path. “Hi Brien” Rayne said and leant over to kiss him and then kiss him again. They were at that stage where constant kissing was so enormous. She pondered that immense periods of time had been taken up just following the lines of his face with her fingers and lips. She had explored his body, his legs, muscles, stomach and it had been heaven. How had she lived so long without
Thanks for that, helps heeps!
Gemma, I understand the atmosphere that you are striving to crate. However, I get jarred out of it by the contrived nature of your writing. -- About an hour later Rayne woke and registered the cold cup of coffee delivered to her side of the bed. You seem to describing a warm and intimate scene, yet it this sentence use cold and impersonal words, registered and delivered. Describe how she feels, how she is touched by the thoughtfulness.
There are also grammatical issues that interrupt the flow of reading.
An example is : "Boxes littered the room filled with dehydrated foods." This states that the room is filled with dehydrated food. -- 'Boxes filled with dehydrated food littered the room .'
Hope this helps a little,