What if...

by Wilhelmina Lyre
24th January 2017

This is my first [solo: I take part in 3 of Emilie van Damm's uploads (see https://www.writersandartists.co.uk/profile/emilie-van-damm/work/57ccc0f4387140b07f8b4569 )] shared work on this site. It's also one of my submissions to La Gr@not@'s "Stranger(s) In A Strange Land" project: flash fiction to benefit refugees. At 162 words (not including the title), well under the limit of 486.

 

What if…

 

The border guard was bored. Yet another family of refugees asking for asylum. He looked over the application form.

“Frankly, you don’t fulfil the conditions to qualify for asylum. No political persecution. And this business about your child’s life being threatened. Obviously paranoia. It’s a pity you’re not a stonemason. There’s a shortage of stonemasons and we might have been able to bend the rules. Or you could have applied for entry simply on an immigrant basis. But carpenters…”

He looked at the young wife. Despite being a mother, there was an air of innocence about her. He could go for some of that. Worth bending a rule or two for… HA! And if his wife found out, she’d have his balls! Not worth the risk.

He stamped the application form: “Admission denied”, and waved them back over the border, where their own country’s soldiers were waiting.

***

Joseph and Mary watched horrified and helpless as little Jesus had his head chopped off.

Comments

Personally, I think your title is really clever. From the start, you established the character of the border guard extremely well, which can sometimes be difficult when writing a short story.

Quick question though, What is the purpose of the last sentence? I really don't understand its contribution to your story in any way and, I personally think, that it is confusing.

One more little point; applicants seeking asylum are more likely to get into a country than those who are applying for entry on an immigrant basis... especially with what is happening in today's world and the large influx of people trying to leave their own country and cross borders.

Other than that, it is really well-written and clever.

Profile picture for user tmcglinc_48180
Theresa-Mary
Mc Glinchey
270 points
Starting out
Film, Music, Theatre, TV and Radio
Poetry
Short stories
Fiction
Autobiography, Biography and Memoir
Comic
Crime, Mystery, Thriller
Speculative Fiction
Adventure
Historical
Romance
Theresa-Mary Mc Glinchey
03/02/2017

Clever.

Profile picture for user cattwood_47859
Caroline
Attwood
270 points
Developing your craft
Short stories
Fiction
Autobiography, Biography and Memoir
Middle Grade (Children's)
Picture Books (Children's)
Comic
Crime, Mystery, Thriller
Media and Journalism
Business, Management and Education
Speculative Fiction
Adventure
Historical
Caroline Attwood
26/01/2017

I love this too Wilhelmina, wonderful title!

Profile picture for user dwyer197_47835
Clare
Williams
330 points
Practical publishing
Film, Music, Theatre, TV and Radio
Poetry
Short stories
Fiction
Crime, Mystery, Thriller
Adventure
Autobiography, Biography and Memoir
Comic
Speculative Fiction
Popular science, Social science, Medical Science
Practical and Self-Help
Gothic and Horror
Romance
Clare Williams
24/01/2017