My Fanny Has Been Overdoing It…
Mr John Drake
13 November 1939
Dear Mrs Ffinch,
I’m very worried about my Fanny on account of her over-use of goose grease! Recently she suffered a chill which begun the frenzied use of the pungent slime, but now that she is better, she insists on rubbing it on her chest every evening as a preventative measure!
Our bedroom currently smells like an abattoir and the bacteria from the grease on our mattress has caused the growth of a parcooliar species of mushroom.
What am I to do? Please could you advise?
Sincerely yours
Mr John Drake
The Little Hope Herald
Saturday, 18th November 1939
Dear Mr Drake,
*Peculiar, dear, it’s peculiar
Now, having corrected your grammar, do let us press on.
Having been raised mainly in Mayfair, but also in Buckinghamshire and the 16th Arrondissement (one’s Father having been under the British Ambassador in Paris, from which gay old time his French letters are preserved for posterity in the top drawer of my Mother’s bureau), and in a sphere in which doctors were plentiful and new-fangled penicillin passed round the dinner table with the port, one had – until marrying Colonel Ffinch and moving ‘to the north’ - very little experience with the British native’s preoccupation with applying the rendered fat of the partially domesticated anseris aequabis to the upper torso in times of crisis. One had heard rumours, of course, and one thought briefly that it might be part of the Colonel’s mating ritual (he’s been around a bit) on one’s wedding night when he whipped his monocle out and bellowed “Right! Let’s have a gander!” but it turned out to be nothing of the sort, as it happened. But anyway, I digress.
Now, the chances of you actually taking your Fanny in hand are obviously minimal, on account of the saponaceous nature of the goosey by-product she’s probably glistening with at this very moment – indeed one has visions of an unfortunate incident involving an open window, a twenty foot drop and a tragic failure to secure a good grip and so extreme caution is urged in this case.
Might I suggest therefore that you begin by removing all traces of goose fat from the house? Please be aware that after such a prolonged relationship with the fowl (sic) stuff there will undoubtedly be caches of it stowed away in the most unlikely of places and as such, you’d do well to search under loose floorboards, scour the interiors of hatboxes in the attic and look behind any religious images which might adorn your walls - as these addicts become terribly crafty over time and no-one would ever suspect the Virgin Mary of fencing a bit of goose grease.
This achieved, you might then have a quiet word with Mr Trotter the butcher, who is to be found at The Yorkshire Meat Emporium in the High Street and ask him to desist from giving your Fanny any further form of lubricant on the grounds that it’s not coming out of your sheets and they’re becoming rather stiff as a result. As a single man himself, who has to do his own laundry, Mr Trotter will surely understand.
Finally, perhaps pull back the blankets on the bed which you and your Fanny frequent and leave a frying pan, a rasher of bacon (fat trimmed off for obvious reasons) and your weekly egg ration on top of the sheet in question and – when Fanny asks you what you’re about – explain that the mushrooms growing therein are just the ticket to finish off your full English breakfast in the morning. Irony, my dear man, often wins the day, as may explaining to Fanny that the olfactory honk of an old bird is actually rather offensive.
I do hope this helps,
Yours with a disapproving look,
Hilda Ffinch
The Bird with All The Answers
***
About Hilda Ffinch:
1940: Mrs Hilda Ffinch, the wealthy and terribly bored Agony Aunt of Little Hope liked nothing better than to interfere in the affairs of her friends and neighbours. In this collection of letters, she dishes out questionable advice on the following topics:
I. Anderson Shelters and Associated Erections
II. Keep the Home Fires Burning
III. What Shall We Tell the Children?
IV. Fashion on the Ration
V. How to Handle Cocks (And Other Barnyard Animals)
VI. Matters Horticultural
VII. Gentlemen’s Problems
VIII. Hard Times: Getting a Decent MouthfulI
X. Very Little Hope
X. Giving it to Jerry…
XI. How to be Fit and Fabulous Under Fire
XII. Affairs of the Heart
This work is now complete! I've had a couple of offers of hybrid contracts for it, but am really looking for a conventional publishing contract.
More on Hilda Ffinch and the Villagers of Little Hope can be found at www.mrsfoxgoestowar.co.uk
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