Any advice and criticism will be extremely appreciated. I am very new to this and have had a plot in my head for years now, however I am not a writer and even though I think of myself as a very creative person this has been a totally different ball game! Writing this book has been a personal goal for me. Ive submitted chapter one. Eek
Chapter 1
Rae Beth
April 2017
We were on our way to Stanton Drew, England. It was only a 13 minute drive, we were going mushroom picking! When I say 'we' I mean my brother, Mum, Dad and our grandparents.
It was something our family tried to do at least once, every year. We would take a picnic and explore the magnificent field not far from our Bristol home, seeing who could find the biggest mushrooms.
I was 15. So was Georgie James. We were twins! Everyone always asked me what was it like being a twin but I never really knew how to answer that! I didn't know any different!
This journey wasn't really about the mushrooms though. It was a family tradition introduced to us by someone very special. To be honest me and George really enjoyed trying to out do each other on who could find the biggest mushroom! I don't think we'd ever get too old for that. Who could resist a bit of healthy competition!
We didn't look alike. People thought we were lying when we told them! Once someone thought we were dating! Yuk. George looked more like Dad, straight, dark hair which he kept short all over apart from the top where he styled it in a messy look. His eyes were were a brown/hazel tone completely different to me! I had blue eyes like mum and brown very uncontrollable wavy hair!
We were a very close family. My dads name was Tommy and my mums name was Beth. Beth was also my middle name. Mum worked at our school, Woodfall Academy, this was slightly annoying as she would find out everything! Not that we were bad behaved or anything but still, having your mum work at your school wasn't always cool! Dad worked for some company but for some reason no one really knew much about what he did? Probably because it was boring!
It had been a terrible, sad time for us all lately as we had recently lost our uncle Terry to the dreaded C word. I missed him so much! He was one of those people who could make washing a car fun! Everything seemed so much harder when you experienced a death in the family! Everyone is sad and pretending to be ok so others don't get sad. It's certainly been a difficult year, hence the family mushroom picking outing. This was something uncle Terry used to do with us every year! He was that very special person to us! It was important that we kept this tradition going. I guess it made us feel like he was there watching us almost. Uncle Terry taught us all he knew. We had become experts now at the different type of mushrooms. We would never eat them but we could just about tell which ones were edible and which ones weren't.
Me and George surprisingly, got on really well! We had the same group of friends too probably due to being in the same year at school. Me, George, Jess, Elle, Jack, Ollie, and Lewis pretty much did everything together!
'Ive found one!' I shouted. 'Wow that's pretty impressive but I'm going to find a bigger one' he teased and ran off.
It was actually a beautiful day, I say this because that didn't happen much in Bristol! The sun was shining bright yet there was still a touch of frost lingering on the ground for this time of year. It was the first day of the easter holidays and Dad had taken the week off to spend time with us.
I could hear Dad shouting from the spot they had settled in 'make sure you don't go too far as I don't want you getting lost, plus your Mum and Nana are setting the picnic up ready for lunch'.
'Ok.' We both shouted back at the same time.
After about 20 minutes of searching I could see George with a very curious expression on his face. 'Look at this Rae.' I ran over to where he was kneeling on the ground 'Oh my g......' I said in excitement.
In between a strange pattern of small rocks was the most beautiful mushroom I had ever seen! It was almost see through yet it had this silver glistening to it. I could barely see it and only under a certain light could I tell it was there.
'I have never, ever seen a mushroom or toadstool that looks like that before!' I said squinting at it to get a better look.
I took my smartphone out my pocket, I needed to take a picture of this. 'Why you taking a picture? I'll just pick it!' George insisted.
"Nooooo!" I shouted. Yup too late! George was straight in there! ' .......agghhhhh'. Suddenly from nowhere I could feel the ground starting to shake. 'What the ..... '. He shouted! 'Earthquakes DO NOT happen in Bristol!' He gasped.
With my eyes tightly shut I grabbed hold of George but as sudden as it started it finished.
"I think we better get back to Mum and Dad'. I paused before adding 'that was pretty frightening, whatever it was!'
'I agree!' George said as he was scrambling to his feet.
"You don't think trying to pick that mushroom caused the earthquake do you?' I questioned, frowning at George.
'Nah how could it, must of been coincidence! Was pretty scary tho wasn't it!'
'Yeah sure was!' I was still shaking!
'Kids' I heard dad nervously shouting. 'Where are you? Are you ok?'
'Coming dad.' George shouted back. 'We're ok. Did you feel the ground shake?'
'Yes we did, thank god your alright, we couldnt see or hear you and worried you might of got hurt'. Dad shouted back sounding nearer than the last time.
'Wait!' I pulled George back. 'Look.' I pointed to ground where the unusual mushroom was growing but there in the exact same spot wasn't a mushroom anymore.
A long silver chain was glistening in its place, a bright blue stone attached to it. I squinted to get a better look and saw a clasp indicating it opened like a locket. I turned to face George and said 'still think it's a coincidence?'
George being George grabbed the pendant without thinking and examined it more closely. 'What's this?' he asked me shoving it under my nose. On the back of the pendant was a funny looking symbol carved in the metal.
'I have no idea!' I replied.
A strange feeling passed over me, a sense of familiarity maybe? I wasn't quite sure, but something was telling me that this pendant was going to change our lives!
George stuffed it in his pocket as we both ran as fast as we could towards Dad's voice.
Wow Lorraine thank you so much! I'm very humbled that you took your time to even read this let alone offer so much advice! I knew it needed a lot of work and to be honest I actually posted the first draft not the one I have already worked on regarding grammar (oops). That being said your feedback has just made me realise how little I know! I guess we all have to start somewhere!
Thank you again for your time! I really am extremely grateful.
Hi Stevie, thanks for being brave and sharing your first chapter.
It is fiction, not non-fiction.
Intriguing beginning: mushrooms have a magic and a danger all of their own, but this one has an extra dimension. You have an annual family outing, something of a tradition, to collect mushrooms, but this time something amazing, or frightening, or worrying, or exciting - we have no idea which yet - happens.
First point to make is that you must lose all exclamation marks that aren't in direct speech. There's an unwritten rule about them that says something like 'two in a hundred pages is too many', so the fewer you use, the better. They don't serve any purpose here.
Don't use question marks unless the sentence is a question. 'Dad worked for some company but for some reason no one really knew much about what he did?' - this is a statement, not a question.
"You don't think trying to pick that mushroom caused the earthquake do you?' I questioned, frowning at George.
If you use a question mark, you've shown us that the sentence is a question. Therefore you don't need to say that it is, which is a kind of repetition. Also, if George has already been named and it's obvious that she's talking to him, you don't need to tell us.
Try: "You don't think trying to pick that mushroom caused the earthquake do you?' I frowned at him.
Or you could just leave it at "You don't think trying to pick that mushroom caused the earthquake, do you?' (I've added a comma here.) We can fill in the frowning for ourselves.
When you go out somewhere, do you say, 'I'm going to London, England', or 'I'm going to London'? I'd lose 'England' in the first line.
You should write numbers under 100 - thirteen not 13.
'To be honest me and George really enjoyed trying to out do each other on who could find the biggest mushroom! I don't think we'd ever get too old for that. ' - you've changed tenses here. Everything so far has been in past tense, but 'I don't' is present. That's fine if the person telling the story is doing so now, looking back: imagine she's in the room with you, and she says that as a comment. If everything takes place in the past, keep it all there.
It's 'out-do', not 'out do'.
'Everything seemed so much harder when you experienced a death in the family! Everyone is sad and pretending to be ok so others don't get sad. It's certainly been a difficult year, hence the family mushroom picking outing.' - same applies. If you said, 'Everything seems so much harder when you experience...' then you could have 'Everyone is sad...' but you used 'seemed' so it should be 'Everyone was sad'.
'It had certainly been a difficult year' not 'it has', for the same reason.
I've, not Ive.
'Kids' I heard dad nervously shouting. 'Kids?' I heard Dad shouting.
We know he's worried from his next words, so you don't need 'nervously'.
'Yes we did, thank god your alright, we couldnt see or hear you and worried you might of got hurt'. Dad shouted back sounding nearer than the last time.
Should be:
'Yes, we did. Thank god [or God] you're all right! We couldn't see or hear you and worried you might have got hurt,' Dad shouted back, sounding nearer than the last time.
Be careful not to use 'of' when you mean 'have'.
OK, or okay, but not 'ok'.
"I think we better get back to Mum and Dad'. I paused before adding 'that was pretty frightening, whatever it was!'
'I think we better get back to Mum and Dad.' I paused. 'That was pretty frightening, whatever it was!' You need a capital at 'That' as it starts a new sentence, even though it's a continuation of her speech.
I could hear Dad shouting from the spot they had settled in 'make sure you don't go too far as I don't want you getting lost, plus your Mum and Nana are setting the picnic up ready for lunch'.
I could hear Dad shouting from the spot they had settled in. 'Make sure you don't go too far. I don't want you getting lost, plus your Mum and Nana are setting the picnic up ready for lunch.' When you write dialogue, the spoken parts, and their full stops, go inside the speech marks, just as you would put a question mark in there.
I've taken out 'as' here, because if you say the line aloud, which is much the best way to try out any dialogue, it doesn't sound natural.
George said as he was scrambling to his feet. - as he scrambled. It's another change in tense, and it's not necessary.
"Nooooo!" I shouted. Yup too late! George was straight in there! ' .......agghhhhh'. Suddenly from nowhere I could feel the ground starting to shake. 'What the ..... '. He shouted! 'Earthquakes DO NOT happen in Bristol!' He gasped.
Every time you change speaker, you should start a new line. I don't know here who says 'agghhhh' . (How do you say it? It's not a word. I'd leave it out.)
He shouted! He gasped - you don't need these. The capitals do the shouting/gasping for you.
"No!" I shouted. Yup, too late. George was straight in there. Suddenly from nowhere I could feel the ground starting to shake.
'What the-- Earthquakes DO NOT happen in Bristol!' he gasped. (I can't do a long hyphen on this site, so imagine the -- is one long one.)
Dots after a word mean that the sentence tails off, and you only ever use three dots, which is called an ellipsis. I think the break here is more than tailing off - it's interrupted, so a dash is better.
Try not to overuse names when 'he' or 'she' would do instead.
You have a good tone here, and it works well for a YA story. Strictly speaking, 'George and I', not me and George, but as the story is told by Rae in her natural voice, it's acceptable. Just make sure you know it's deliberate, though.
Hope this helps. It's not exhaustive, but it picks up the main points.
All best wishes,
Lorraine