Ok, I’m putting my neck on the line here and naming the most common pitfalls I have seen emerging talents fall into. In today’s blog, I baldly name and shame what I would happily never encounter again:
- An entire chapter revolving around a character walking or driving from A-B alone, interspersed by long passages of back story.
- An entire chapter set around
a character in bed/in nature/alone reminiscing. - Melodramatic chapter cliff hangers. Your story is either engrossing or not. A pining character is not the answer.
- Making the same point in ten different ways –all on the same page.
- Belabouring the point. [See above]
- Describing objects/landscapes/surroundings in miniscule detail over countless pages. Poetry is a gift not a licence.
And I can say all this because, early on as a writer, I have been guilty of most of the above. Ok, who am I kidding? I have been guilty of all of the above at one time or another. And so, today, I invite you to kill off your darlings publicly. Copy and paste them in the comment section of Writers & Artists and, like sealing an envelope, let it go. If the piece is that good, someone will surely encourage you to put it back in.
I’ll begin...
“Retreating to the cabin’s bedroom in the cool peach light of mid-afternoon, Dorothy felt the contours of Katy’s lumpy rucksack one last time before sliding it under the wooden frame of the bed. She had discerned the outline of several boot heels inside, an oversized toiletries bag, and then the corner of something hard and rectangular. Could this be what she was looking for? But the more her fingers had shaped the outline of the item, the more convinced she grew that it was simply a hardback novel. A journal would have a more supple cover. She didn’t dare go into the bag though. There were some answers she wasn’t ready for yet.
Shivering, she plugged in the electric heater, in the corner of the room, and turned the nozzle as high as it would go. Removing her shoes, but keeping her socks on, she shuffled down under the crisp, lemon sheets, massaging her bad hip with one hand. The cold always made it ache more. It was 3 o’clock. The funeral wasn’t until tomorrow lunchtime. Twenty two hours. Only twenty two more hours to stay strong. She picked up a worn-looking crime paperback from the bedside cabinet, and was ...”
I can see flaws in some of my earliest writing above. A good tip I have learned to test the smoothness of my writing is to read it back ALOUD.
Shafi, a few suggestions. Using phrases, number one and number two, sounds two much like a list. The words, however, and furthermore would sound better.
Good Luck.
As I have commented on others work, I thought it fair to post a few paragraphs of my writing from eight months ago.
I now have 96,000 words of my action adventure novel
I hope it's not to bad.
At the Steep Ridge, the voluptuous, olive skinned, senior commander Shana of the heavy cavalry was in conversation with the slimmer, flame-haired Sophem, senior commander of the light cavalry, about how to cross the congested bridge.
Junior commanders coordinating the evacuation at the bridge were screaming with frustration at the evacuees to move to the sides of the bridge to let the cavalry through. They were waving swords and yelling repeatedly. Most of the evacuees ignored the junior commanders, taking little notice, only concerned with self-preservation. They continued casually across bridge. After quickly assessing the situation, Shana spoke to Sophem about her idea, and she laughed in agreement. She then returned to the light cavalry who were in the rear. Shana drew her sword and issued a command, ‘Heavy cavalry form up in twos, behind me.’ They formed up to the command of a horn. Horses snorted and whinnied with excitement on recognizing the sound of the horn. Armour jangled and glinted in the bright sunshine. Sophem issued a similar command and the light cavalry closed to the rear of the heavy cavalry. Shana ordered, ‘Heavy cavalry in twos, canter.’ The heavy cavalry gradually picked up speed, raising puffs of dust as they came steadily down the slope, looking towards the bridge with the light cavalry following close behind. The noise of hoof alerted those crossing the bridge.
‘Charge!’ said Senior Commander Shana with her sword pointing directly towards the bridge. The cavalry increased their pace. Four hundred horses rushed further down the gradient, kicking up a storm. The clinking of armour and pounding of hooves caused a huge stir on the bridge. Those crossing the bridge realised what was about to happen. Alarmed, they parted like waves and rushed to the sides of the bridge. The cavalry were in full flight on level ground, a terrifying sight to those on the bridge who could now hear the sound of knights’ calls, urging their horses on. It was as if hell came crashing out of a billowing cloud of dust. A thunderous noise approached the bridge, getting louder and louder and louder. Frightened babies wailed, children
screamed and men and women held each other tight; some prayed.
Xean I understand what you are saying, but I think your sentences could do with a bit more creativity.
Gina's heart sank. She could see no way out of her present dilemma.
She sat in the black leather armchair beside the sash window and brushed back the floral curtain disturbing the leaves of the tall spider plant.. As she peered outside,Gina became mesmerized by the shape-shifting wisps of fog that soon billowed outside her second floor studio apartment, which backed on to the murky canal.
Gina was disheartened and prepared herself for the worst. She sighed as she picked up a copy of the times from the news-stand and reluctantly searched for the recruitment section.
I am no expert at writing , and my grammar is poor.
I also liked the shape-shifting sentence.
I hope you find my comments constructive. Good luck writing.