Hello all, not been on for a while, life eh, it gets in the way of living. So to my question. I have a character in the middle ages entering (making an entrance) a great hall. I have the phrase "With a steady measured stride and his raiment training in his wake he gave the impression he floated over the floor, unlike normal men whose needs must walk."
The first change suggested is from "training" to "forming a train in his wake he gave the impression (second change) of floating over the floor.
The third is the "whose needs must walk" I'm told not quite right phrase.
I am worried if I change too much of shall we say my voice I may be in danger of losing any originality. However, if you good and well read folk out there think I should change then I will go along with the majority vote. There is of course the possibility of an alternative suggestion from... well anyone. Please!
As always my thanks in advance.
Regards Paul
how do abnormal men walk?
Hello Lorraine, I hope you are well and that the summer where you are has been much betterer (see I know my English) than here.
Thank you for your help, I do see the difference and I will change the way it reads. The man in question is the Sheriff, who is trying (successfully) to give the impression that he is a little more than human.
The idea is the robe encases him and rides (if you like) without revealing anything more than his head and hands. He is of course as human as the rest of us (not counting Kim Jong Un, bless him!) my intention was to try (try. I know) to draw a picture of his robe not billowing just being there large, full and enveloping him, but maybe the training is wrong (I did consider of the learning aspect about the phrase but I read that sometimes we can play with words, I think maybe I need more practice at that bit. Hope I have time left to learn) I will rewrite the scene and still try and give it the movement it needs for him to seem "more than just a man".
Head down now and see if I can make it work. I will of course use your directive. Again thank you so much, there is a section early on in the story that I changed because of your help. Should this ever get to print I think you will have to be first on the thanks list. Come on, a man has to have a dream, it is the rude awakening I am not looking forward to. Hey Ho.
Hope you keep well, regards Paul
Good morning, Paul,
Life doesn't know its place! It's been a busy, bitty summer for me too.
Firstly I don't like 'training in his wake'. It sounds like some sort of educational facility! There's no verb in the OED in this usage. They give 'in the train of' to mean 'following behind'.
'he gave the impression that he floated', or 'of floating', not 'the impression he floated'; but I'd change this to 'he seemed to float'.
'With a steady measured stride' - do you need both? They mean much the same thing. '
'Normal men' or 'ordinary men'?
The OED gives 'must needs' with 'needs must' as alternative. 'They must needs depart' - as in, they cannot avoid doing something. Needs must - it is or was necessary or unavoidable: 'If needs must, they will eat any food.'
The thing that's wrong in your sentence is 'whose' - you're saying the needs of those persons must walk, which is not what you mean.
'...unlike normal men who must needs walk.'
Try:
'With a measured stride, his raiment billowing in his wake, he seemed to float across the floor where ordinary men must needs walk.'
Hope this helps.
Lorraine