Hopefully this is even better then the first two I posted. I think if I add any more will spoil plot point of the book.
On the magical world of Eden
Heidi Cole lives a quiet life in the
middle of Ivy Forest with her
grandmother, until the shape-shifting
Prince Ibis Serpell of Solaris crash-lands
near her home. Heidi and Ibis set out
to help Ibis escape the captain of a band
of sky pirates known as Crimson Skies,
the malevolent and power hungry Captain Shani
who needs the prince to restore the sunken island
Estrella she wishes to rule, in hopes of gaining
more power.
The longer Heidi travels with Ibis, the more she
finds that he isn't the only one Shani need.
The captain also requires her. What connection
does Heidi have with Shani and why does she
hide it? Can Ibis fully trust Heidi?
A few more ideas, Antoinette:
'Heidi and Ibis set out to help Ibis escape' - this is wrong.
Try: '...to help Ibis escape Crimson Skies, a band of sky pirates, whose malevolent and power-hungry Captain Shani needs the prince...'
'to restore the sunken island Estrella she wishes to rule, in hopes of gaining more power.' - this is poor. Not sure what you mean by needing him 'to restore the sunken island' - restore it to what?
'the sunken isle of Estrella' works better than 'island Estrella'
'she wishes to rule, in hopes of gaining more power' - this doesn't sound very threatening. Presumably she wants to take over the island in order to further her ambitions towards some goal, not just to gain more power. Power over what or whom? What's her ultimate goal?
'wishes', 'in hopes of' - they are gentle, limp words, whereas Captain Shani is supposed to be a dangerous woman.
'The longer Heidi travels with Ibis, the more she finds that he isn't the only one Shani need.' - 'Shani needs'.
'The captain also requires her.' - I'd lose this line. The next one does the job well enough.
'What is the connection between Heidi and the ambitious/warlike/dangerous (whatever you prefer) Shani/pirate captain (as before), and why does she hide it? Can Ibis fully trust her?'
You may think I'm being picky, and that what should be a short piece of writing is taking way too long - but it really does have to be right. It has to do the job to the best of its (and your) ability. People spend a huge amount of time writing their blurb, for the simple reason that a shopper on Amazon only has that to go on when he's choosing his next book. Yes, he can do the 'Look Inside' thing, but only if he's sufficiently interested: the blurb is his first point of call, and you really don't want it to be his last.
Lorraine
The only reason I picked Solaris, was because of it's meaning, not because of any film. If there are any spelling and grammar mistake, open office didn't pick up on them, nor did chrome before I posted it.
Antoinette
This is better, though I came up with a jolt towards the end of the first paragraph… ‘SHE’ – so Captain Shani is female? I had no idea.
‘Solaris’? Are you basing this on the Russian filmed version or the American one? I prefer the style of the original Russian. The ‘shape-shifting’ I find more believable, and, the ‘dead’ wife looks very much like one of my former lady-friends (perhaps that is why I like the Russian version so much?)
Incidentally, before I put anything out on this site (or any other – and allowing for my abysmal spelling ability) I run the piece though the spelling and grammar checker. May I suggest you do the same?
Edward