Hello!
I was hoping to solicit feedback from this excellent community on a query letter that I have been working on for my first completed manuscript. I have followed a format suggested by several websites and I am reasonably pleased with it. However, I have no experience with these things. So here it is:
How do you prove that one of the brightest minds in Mars’s only city, New London, is capable of committing mass murder 140 million miles away?
This is the question private investigator, Daniel Helmqvist, is faced with when femme fatale, Charlotte Rennick, interrupts his perfectly quiet evening at his favorite watering hole. The guy arrested for the 2181 terrorist bombing that left most of Manhattan’s lower east side in smoldering ruins was a patsy, she tells Helmqvist. The real culprit was the last person anyone would suspect of orchestrating an attack of such horrific magnitude – her boss, the powerful, and influential, scientist Mara Kitterman. Reluctantly, Helmqvist agrees to take the case and quickly finds himself in a race against time to find a man – long believed to be dead – who holds the key to discovering the mastermind behind that terrible day.
I am an American presently living in the arboreal majesty of the Swedish hinterlands. When I’m not writing, I enjoy cooking, helping my wife in the garden, playing video games, painting/sketching and brewing beer. Fairytale from a Dusty Crater was conceived in a creative writing course and inspired by the rise of modern day nationalism. It is my first completed novel and is 96,983 words long.
Thanks in advance to all who respond!
Kevin
I'd tweak the words a little, Kevin, just to make it a little snappier.
'The guy arrested for the 2181 terrorist bombing that left most of Manhattan’s lower east side in smoldering ruins was a patsy, she tells Helmqvist.' A little limp, Try: 'She insists that the guy arrested for the 2181 terrorist bombing that left most of Manhattan’s lower east side in smoldering ruins was a patsy.'
You've got 'brightest minds' and 'mastermind' in there, which is a little clumsy.
'Mars’s only city, New London' - try 'New London, the only city on Mars' - gets rid of that awkward s's.
Is the murder committed on Mars, or 140 million miles away from Mars? Or is Helmqvist 140 million miles away from Mars? Not quite clear.
'the powerful, and influential,' I'd lose the commas. Do you need both words? What's a powerful scientist?
'quickly finds himself in a race against time' - bit of a cliché. You're trying to convince an agent that you've got something new to say, so avoid this like the plague!
'horrific magnitude', 'terrible day', 'mass murder' - can you be more specific? Describe the actual event in a few words that show you're talking about future science, and a new way of killing; otherwise your story isn't coming across as anything different from any modern-day Earth-bound crime.
You're selling your book here; what is it that makes it stand out from the crowd? It's set on Mars: tick. It's an intergalactic crime: tick. It's got a Swedish PI; um, a little flavour of the month; there's a sexy and annoying woman on his case; um, nothing different there. You've really got to flog this to your would-be agent, Kevin. Put it this way; if you invented a beefburger with a difference, would you sell it as a beefburger, or as something new and exciting in the burger world? Its burgerishness would be mentioned - you want to interest burger eaters - but it would be the differences you'd push that little bit more.
Agents are hard cases to crack; give this one hell!
Hi Helen,
Thanks for the response and the feedback. I do add a salutation and try to give each query a personal touch (to the agent to whom I am submitting). However, I am not always very explicit in terms of genre within my query proper but address it more fully in the final paragraph of my synopsis. Perhaps I should be more mindful of that.
I, actually, have my manuscript up on Jottify. Here's a link if you want to take a look at it: http://jottify.com/works/fairytale-from-a-dusty-crater/
Hi Kevin,
Your book sounds like fun, I'd love to read it! So, it looks as though you've got the elevator pitch and biography section of your letter down pat - I presume you'll also add a salutation and intro paragraph pertinent to each agent you approach? Also, if you can place your book in a specific market (ie this would appeal to readers of science fiction), or to a specific age group, or even place it alongside other authors the agent already represents, that can help your cause and show you've done your research.
Hope that helps and good luck with the submissions!