Have I showed an improvement?

by David Castanho
25th November 2013

Hi everyone, I have taken all your helpful comments and have put them into action in my next chapter. Could you give this a read and leave some feed back for me to read. Thank you very much.

Chapter 6

For the first few moments off standing in that room, I felt my nerves slipping away and I felt relaxed. I walk into the centre of the room where there are torches hanging from the walls to try and keep the room alight. Ahead of me I see steps that lead up to a water fountain. When I reach the water fountain, I stare down at my blurry reflection. In the reflection I see a strand of my hair blowing over but I didn’t feel any wind. I glance around the room looking for any open windows, but saw nothing. Ripples begin to appear in the crystal clear water. I stretch my hand out and touch the water. A strange feeling suddenly comes over me. It’s not a bad feeling, rather a feeling of joy.

“It feels great doesn’t it?” echoes a deep but calm voice.

I quickly pull my hands away from the water and look around.

“All my guest are welcome here. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” Says the voice.

“I can’t see you, where are you?” I ask.

“My voice is all you should ever need to hear, for I can’t be seen by the naked eye, young Alaska.” He Explains.

Suddenly I relies who it is that is speaking to me. It’s the voice of life. Many questions flow through my mind about the voice of life. I try not to ask any questions. I just wanted to find out what is going on? The voice of life begins to talk about the history of Columbia and its amazing story of creation.

Centuries ago an ancient god known as Syrue, created a kingdom where creatures only heard of in story books existed and named the kingdom Columbia. Syrue then stored an incredible amount of power into an object called the Soul Stone. The creation of Columbia impacted on Syrue causing him to become weak and so he needed to rest. The Soul Stone was placed into the care of a young ambitious prince called Sidwin. The Soul Stone must only be used to restore the kingdom of Columbia if any harm should come to it. Syrue went into a deep slumber, leaving Prince Sidwin to watch over Columbia until the return of Syrue when the soul stone must be returned to him. Prince Sidwin’s hunger for power became overwhelming when he used the stone’s power for evil and created a dark realm called Underworld. Syrue was vanquished from the kingdom as the soul stone was split into four fragments and scattered across Columbia to keep Syrue from entering.

At first it takes a while to sink into my brain what it is he has just told me. But everything slowly becomes clearer to me. That horrid creature that attacked me outside the village must be a result of what had happened here. That humongous wall that surrounds the village must have been built to stop evil creatures from terrorising the residence that live here.

“What can I do to stop this?” I ask.

The room becomes quite for a while before I get an answer.

“All will be revealed in good time, but at the moment you are too weak to take action.” Says the voice of life.

“No, you’re wrong. I almost took down a gigantic bird outside this village earlier!” I interrupt whilst pulling out my blade.

“That creature is an ant compared to the challenges that is still yet to come.” Says the voice of life in a humorous voice.

I hear the doors from behind me swing open and quickly turn in shock to see Shallot struggling to catch her breath.

“The village.... is under attack!” Screams Shallot.

A sudden feeling of fear comes over me. I run over to Shallot and help her to her feet.

“Shallot take Alaska out the back exit. There is a helicopter waiting outside to take you both to the training academy, go now!” Shouts the voice of life.

We both start running to the emergency exit, when I come to a stop. I can’t leave, not without Alex. He saved my life when I was close to death. I have to pay him back for that.

“You go, I’ll meet you there!” I say whilst running towards the elevator.

I hear Shallot screaming my name from behind me and I try to ignore her. I have to do this. Once I make it out of the source building, I look around at the village that is now covered in fire and smoke. I begin to run in the direction I last saw Alex walking. I pull my jacket over my mouth and nose to try and block out the harmful gasses being released. There are people trapped under fallen stone and screaming for help. A part of me feels like breaking down and heading back to the helicopter, but I have to keep going Alex needs me. I come across a blonde haired boy trapped under a rock who looks just like Alex.

“Alex?” I call hoping he’s still alive.

The boy looks at me.

“Alaska?” mumbles Alex.

A feeling of relief replaces every ounce of fear I had in me.

“I’m trapped!” he says.

I try lifting the heavy rock but it doesn’t seem to budge.

“Err I can’t lift it!” I shout in anger.

“Alaska go, save yourself!” says Alex.

I look at him and see how much pain he is in.

“What and leave you here to die. Don’t be stupid!” I say.

I glance over at a plank of wood that I could use to lift the rock. I grab a hold of it and place it under the rock.

“Ready?” I ask.

Alex nods his head and closes his eyes. I start to push down on the plank of wood. Alex lets out a painful scream and I see tears rolling down his face. I manage to free him from the rock. I throw one of his arms around my neck and we both begin to slowly walk towards the source building.

“Quick get down!” Alex whispers.

He drags me down to the ground and we hide behind a bunch of rocks

. “What are we hiding from?” I ask.

Alex turns and looks over the rocks. A beautiful yet scary woman appears. Her hair and eyes are as red as the colour of blood and she seems to be holding some kind of spear, from behind her stand creatures with scaled black skin and sharp claws and teeth. They seem to all be attached together with chains. I place my hands over my mouth to prevent me from screaming. The woman walks over to an injured person lying on the ground.

“Did you see her, Suzy Swan?” asks the woman in a calm voice.

The man shakes his head. I can hear him quietly whimpering. Suddenly she forces the spear into the man’s chest and twists it before pulling it out. My eyes become filled with tears and a feeling of anger rushes through me. I grab a hold of my blade. Alex grabs my arm and shakes his head.

“Find her and bring her to me, dead or alive!” the woman shouts.

The chain that held them together is destroyed and they run free around the village. I turn to face the woman but find that she is no longer there.

“Where did she go?” I ask Alex.

He stares at me for a while before we continue our journey back to the source building. We finally make it back to the helicopter and meet up with Shallot. We board the helicopter and Alex’s wounds are being seen by nurses. I feel the helicopter lifting of the ground. Before we fly off I see the source building going up in flames. I feel Shallot grabbing a hold of my hand and squeezing it tightly. I know that she is thinking the same thing I am. Did the voice of life make it out alright?

Replies

I did place a new paragraph for every sentance a character would make, however the paragraphs havent showed on this sory.

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David
Castanho
1430 points
Developing your craft
Fiction
Crime, Mystery, Thriller
Adventure
Speculative Fiction
David Castanho
25/11/2013