Can anyone recommend good groups for getting advice on the pitch part of your query letter? (see below in case anyone on here can help - I'm finding this impossible compared to actually writing the book!)
Half dragon, half human, 16-year-old Aseireld is the unexpected side effect of a centuries-old curse that forces dragons to take mortal form. With her human mother dead and her father back in his dragon form until the next cycle of the curse, she is sent to live with the Night family, four wealthy and powerful fae who teach her to control her powers. Since watching her first execution three years ago, Aseireld has known that failure to keep her secret will earn her a place on the chopping block of Rotheguard’s magic-hating king.
Just as Aseireld begins falling for Eridien, an exceptionally powerful human sorcerer, King Eylris presents the Night family with an opportunity to unseat him. He executes the wrong man, causing a neighbouring kingdom to declare war. As Aseireld and her family prepare to risk their lives to fight for magic, Aseireld is forced to question Eridien’s loyalty when a rebel group attempts to recruit him. For, if he can be persuaded to betray her, it’s more than just her heart she risks losing…
Your plot sounds great and I wish you luck. Yes, trying to condense all the rich facets of your book into a short pitch is challenging. Fantasy seems to work well with lots of twists and turns, which you appear to have. I wonder, though, if your heroine's name is workable. It doesn't roll off easily on the tongue, and both pronunciation and gender are uncertain. A name like Aurora addresses all these issues and still has a fantasy texture but if you think that's too stereotyped then at least add an 'a' to the end of her name to make it more feminine.
I'm not sure that the sentence "He executes the wrong man, causing a neighbouring kingdom to declare war." is really necessary. It breaks up the flow from the preceding sentence to the following one.
Covering Letter.
It is important to remember that in your cover letter you should be informative and never chatty. This is a business correspondence, not a letter to your dear old aunt.
Whether you are writing to a literary agent or an editor, most letters follow this simple three-paragraph formula, but no more than 4 paragraphs maximum.
Paragraph One: Introduction and Summary of Work
PROFESSIONAL LETTERHEAD
Ima Storyteller.
Followed by your address.
Dear (Name of Specific Agent or Editor):
I would like to submit my manuscript, (Title of Novel), to your agency. (Title of Novel) is a story about (two or three sentences of summary, no more). In ways, it is similar to other books recently published, such as (Book Titles).
Paragraph Two: All About You.
Paragraph Three: Contact Number and Closing
Thank you again for reading my work. Please, feel free to call me at home: (0208) 456-7890. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, Ima Storyteller.
TIPs:
1) Wait until your work is absolutely finished before submitting. You rarely get a second chance with a good editor or agent.
2) Find the right agent or editor. Find novels which are like your manuscript, then find out their agent and editor. How? Simple, call the publishers. Most are very willing to offer this information.
3) Worried about Paragraph Two, the personal history? Have nothing to say? Be imaginative. Why are you the best person to have written this novel? How has your personal experience prepared you for it?
4) Still worried? Never published anything? A cover letter is a persuasive document designed to do one thing: entice an editor or agent to read your manuscript.
5) If you talk about your own life, make sure it is related to your manuscript. No one will care if you're a Nuclear Scientist, or a Crab Fisherman unless your novel is also about these things.
I hope that helps.
good luck.