pseudonym

You are of course quite correct in all you say Lorraine, I think sometimes the anger rises when you hear so many people needing to be able to "offload" such a burden. The other bit you mentioned to the part where the abuser says "you can't tell anyone this is our secret" or just the opposite in my wife's case she was threatened with what he had done to her being told to everyone as if it was her fault, she grew up wanting to please everyone, now she spends an awful lot of personal time trying to help people out of that closet that they should never have been shut up in.

It is right as you say people have to do things the way that is right for them. It is the feeling (for me anyway) that in someway they are still getting away with it. However, I do understand and agree, the anger sometimes rises in the moment hearing of yet another person living with someone else's guilt. I say write on, yes protect yourself whilst shining the light on evil.

Make the difference Joyce. regards and best wishes Paul.

Debbie, I didn't post this: Joyce did.

Paul, sometimes it takes the anonymity of the speaker to allow them to speak. What happened to them is so intensely personal, and destructive, and still be shrouded in 'You Must Not Tell' that the only way to get it out there is to do it from behind a sheet, as it were. There may well be a lingering sense of shame mixed in with the anger that makes them choose not to be identified. There may be a wish not to taint their present with their past.

There is never any excuse whatsoever for abusing a child in any way. An adult is the one in control and should be in control of himself or herself, first and foremost. It is never, ever, the child's fault.

If that child grows up to be able to write about the abuse, that's breaking the secret, which is one of the most powerful tools in his or her arsenal. Whether they choose to do that openly, or under a pseudonym, it doesn't mean that the abuser can think all is safe: what's to stop that child saying one day, 'And my real name is...'? Putting that story out there is the first step towards catharsis, or revenge, or both; or it could be the beginning of the healing process, to let the anger out with the truth.

Also, although the story may appear under an assumed name, that child can still tell the abuser, 'I've written about what you did to me, and it's all in the book. There will be clues, if anyone wants to follow them back to you.' At that point, it's the child who is the secret-keeper who wields the power.

Your wife has made of her life something amazing and strong, in spite of her childhood. You are rightly proud of her.

Lorraine

My comment is not really about if you should have a pseudonym or not, but rather why not let these people know it is them who have done so much damage to their children. Going to get into deep water if I'm not careful here. There is a countless number of people abused by parents and family, who didn't think they were bad or wrong. They considered themselves trapped by the children they had produced. I say had, it is still happening. We are talking thousand upon thousand, don't think that that is an exaggeration I know for a fact it is not. My wife who works mainly in criminal defence, sees case after case of people who are on the wrong side of the law and when she begins to dig nearly everyone of these criminals, has been abused by their parents. I can't for obvious reasons say who or what but the things are horrendous.

My point after all of that is why should the abusers be protected, maybe if people thought that how they behave towards their offspring would be possibly read by anyone and everyone then maybe, just maybe people might think that what they are doing isn't acceptable. I say shame em.

PS. My wife is one of those people who, when she was a child was abused physically by her mother and sexually by her brother. I think you would be surprised by the scale of abuse. Sorry it is something that I feel should be out there and naming people, I think anyway, is a start. If I have misunderstood what you were asking I apologise, it is a subject that is close to my heart,

I had a wonderful childhood and I thought everyone else did, what a shock to finally see the truth.

Regards, ranting Paul.