In my story, If I Were a Bird 5th part, I have tried to portray my little girl as being frantic, desperate and panic stricken, this action is mostly in one paragraph. I have done short sentences placing - (dashes) in between them. But I've read it back and for me it doesn't seem to have the impact I want. I can't put ! (exclamation marks) at the end of each one I think it would be too many in one paragraph. Help, I need an example piece from someone please. Thanks.
Thank you Lorraine and Steven for you advice, I will definitely take it all on board. I am going to edit it and re-post it with full stops. I tried the dashes to see if they worked but I don't think they did. And thanks for the example piece Steven, it's been really helpful. I can see how it works this way and get the feeling of desperation from it. Thank you again.
Try it with full stops instead. Dashes are overused, and they really don't do everything that people think they do, and there are different types of dashes. I blogged about them too, under 'Dash it all' at wordsunderoneroof.wordpress.com
A dash doesn't work if you follow it with a capital, which much prefers a full stop. You're wise to avoid exclamation marks too. The short sentences will do the job on their own. Their very brevity leaves the reader breathless, when they follow one after another.
If you're in doubt about a line, write it another way, or punctuate it differently, and see what effect that has. Sometimes that's all it takes.
Keep it simple, and it will work.
Lorraine
Hi Elsie,
I hope you don't mind me focussing on the question rather than your work in this answer; I think I can only do one or the other.
Pace, especially an increase in pace can be hard when you need to put in detail, but it isn't impossible. As an amateur I don't have a lot of experience with what people think when the read my work so I rely on a few rules that I mix and match to see what works.
1. Use clipped phrases, simple statements and don't dwell. This mimics hurried speach and moves things on bringing the reader with you. (I think you've done this)
2. Use simple punctuation at first, basically just full stops, then play around with it. I'm not sure the dashes work when replacing all full stops but I'm willing to stand corrected there!
3. Use gerends (-ing's) as much as possible and look for verbs that carry the speed and urgency you're trying to convey. 'I run' become 'Dashing', 'walking' becomes 'hurrying', etc. Drop the pronouns whenever you can.
This is the only piece I have to hand that fits as an example. It comes from the short story I'm sharing and I don't think it's a spoiler! Reading it again I'm not sure how many of my own rules I've followed... One of many problems that come with editing your own work...
"You're insane, Smythe thinks, and he thinks it has come out of his mouth but it is irrelevant. Again the blur comes towards his head and he cannot raise the torch fast enough. This time it clips his temple and he reels back. Without waiting for the backswing, he just runs.
Headstones flash by at thigh-height, threatening to end his flight at any moment. The path seems to recede rather than get closer. I'm in bloody slippers, he thinks, the bastard's right behind me.
By some miracle the expected blow to the back of his head does not land. He can hear the sound of running from behind him mixed with ragged panting."
I hope that helps, please let me know if I've missed the mark.
Steve