Hi Emma. Hope you get to see this, as I can no longer find your original post to write a comment on. Also, sorry it's taken a while to come back to you - got rather tied up in something else I'm afraid.
I much prefer this version. The start is more engaging and the whole piece is that much tighter. Well done.
Just two suggestions:-
Firstly; try to say that 'Alex died' fewer times. You can refer to it as something else (that dreadful day, the day my life stopped, anything really), but it's usually best to say something of that nature just once.
Secondly; the style is far tighter and it flows much better. If you want to try to improve it further, have a go at setting yourself a word count and seeing whether you can get down to that. Currently your piece has 2187 words in it. Why not save a separate copy and see if you can drop it to below 2000? That way, you will be forced to take out the less essential words and keep the truly important ones. If you manage that easily enough, then try it again but this time for 1800 words.
Anyway, great progress here; and thanks for letting me read it.
PabloJ
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