Hey everyone. what do you all think of the start of my first chapter for my new book. do you think it has any potential at all? Thanks in advance!
CHAPTER 1
I looked in the mirror. My new school uniform was, for lack of a better word, interesting. I had never worn a uniform before at any of my other schools. It will be strange to not pick out outfits to wear.
The plaid skirt falls just below my knees and the matching blouse is short sleeved with a very questionable frilly collar; at least my long, brown curls hide most of it. I have to wear white pumps and socks too. I wont be the only one, I suppose.
Well, here goes. I have always hated moving schools; my dad’s in the army and we move around a lot. However, I have been promised that this will be our last move for a while. Maybe I can make some friends, or be really wild and join a club. Although, I cant really see this happening, I can think about it in my head and write it down on paper, but when it comes down to actually putting theory to practise, my mothers genes kick in and I hide in my shell.
I went downstairs to the kitchen to grab a slice of toast before heading off. We only moved a few days ago so there are still boxes everywhere. My mom had her back to me at the kitchen sink. She was singing. I like it when she sings; it means that she is happy. I put my new backpack on the table. I always get a new one when I start at a new school; new backpack, new start. My mom turned around when she heard me.
‘Hey Honey. Nervous?’ I grabbed a slice out of the toaster. I nibbled the edges before answering her.
‘I’m okay. I’m used to it, right?’ She dried her hands and walked over to me to give me a hug.
‘You’ll be fine. You always are.’ I hugged her back and smiled. I picked up my car keys off the kitchen table and walked out the back door. My new shiny red convertible was parked at the kerb, another bribe from my parents. I walked over and got in. I can still smell the new leather. As bribes go, this was a pretty good one. I touched a button on the dashboard that unfolded the roof. The sun was coming out and if I blast out some tunes, it might calm me down just a little bit.
After about thirty minutes, I pulled up outside Ridgepoint High School. It is so strange seeing everyone look exactly the same. I mean, where’s the individuality? I took a deep breath and got out of the car. Everyone was staring already and I had to rethink how great this bribe was. My car was flashiest in the car park; that’s why everyone was staring. Great.
I held my head up and walked on. I didn’t take any notice of the whispering or the pointing that had started already. I made it up to the office steps and took a look around. I was about to go inside when something caught my eye. Across the field at the other side of the school, there was a tall girl staring at me. When I stared back she didn’t look away, she smiled. At that point, I was the one who looked away and when I looked back she was walking towards the school exit, I blinked and she was gone. I looked again. It was strange, where did she go?
The bell sounded and I jumped. That was going to play on my mind. It was probably just a trick of the light. I took a deep breath and walked into the office to start my first day.
Thank you for all your comments. The points you pointed out are very helpful, i don't know why i didn't realise them before! So thank you, i will take all your comments on board.
Hi there. It sounds nice but I think a first chapter should describe a person or that's what I would like to hear. What type of hair has she got, is she fat or skinny, what color is her eyes. What does the school look like at first glance. What did the girl look like. And I'd like to know what tunes she blasted out of her convertable.
Hi Lisa,
Like Lee-Ann, I enjoyed this and would like to read further. I have, however, a few small suggestions/queries, if you're interested.
1. Some of the sentences are a little awkward to read, simply because of where you've placed the comma. For example: 'At that point, I was the one who looked away and when I looked back she was walking towards the school exit, I blinked and she was gone.' Perhaps a full stop instead of the second comma would work better?
2. The bit about her long brown curls sits a little oddly - it's first person and so follows her thoughts. It would be more natural, I think, for her to say 'At least my hair covers most of it' as most people just think of it as their 'hair' rather than their 'frizzy blonde tuffs' or whatever.
3. This is nothing to do with the writing itself, but as her dad is in the army, how does her family have enough money to buy her an expensive car as a bribe and a new bag every time she starts a new school?
Despite the minor points above, I really enjoyed this and I hope that you share some more soon!