Below I have put a snippet of writing for you to read and then judge. What do you think is wrong with it and how would you write it better. If I wrote like this day in day out do you think I would have a chance of selling my MS.. Please rewrite it and we can see what everyone thinks. This is for a bit of fun.
They had not gone far before they came to a place where the ground became rough and there were rocks all about and little hills up and little hills down. At the bottom of one small valley Mrs Pickwick turned suddenly aside as if she were going to walk straight into an unusually large rock, but at the last moment Barry found she was leading her into the entrance of a cave. As soon as they were inside she found herself blinking in the light of a wood fire. Then Mrs Pickwick stooped and took a flaming piece of wood out of the fire with a neat little pair of tongs, and lit a lamp. "Now we shan't be long," she said, and immediately put a kettl
Hi Sonya,
I wanted to put this snippet on to see what people would think. Just to let you know its from a book that sold over 80 million copy's world wide. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
It just goes to show you how writing differs from person to person.
Many many things, use of words 'they' too frequently, abrupt change of POV, awkward use of language, incorrect punctuation, too long sentences, difficult imagery.
Off the top of my head...
They hadn't gone far when they began to stumble over rough rocky ground and small hills rose all around. At the bottom of a small valley Mrs Pickwick turned quite suddenly to her right and walked straight at a very large rock
'Look out!' shouted Barry, but she'd disappeared. Astonished, Barry ran up to the spot and discovered that it was actually the entrance to a cave. He hurried inside and found Mrs Pickwick crouching over a small wood fire, its smoke curling up to the cave roof above. She rummaged in her handbag for a neat little pair of tongs, using them to extract a piece of flaming wood from the fire. This she used to light a lamp that lay by her feet in readiness.
'Now, we shan't be long,'she said...