I have completed a novel set in Japan. I have sent out unsolicited samples to two dozen plus agents and have so far received rejections without any editorial advice from seven. Now I'm placing the opening 8 pages (the complete chapter is 20 pages long) before the Court of My Peers. Please check the Work Share page and advise.
Thanks, James.
Actually I did begin to doubt the effectiveness of the repetition when I was re-editing and reached much the same conclusion. My original purpose was to contrast the boldness of such a simple question with her shyness, which I describe immediately after. I suppose I must find a different way of highlighting the contrast. Thanks for pointing it out.
Just recently got back on here. I read a bit into what you shared. One thing I noticed, your dialogue repetitious.
I have always heard. Show do not tell. For example...
"she dredged up and popped the question that crowned the evening:
“Do you want me?”
Simple in its brevity. Raw. Unadorned.
“Do you want me?”
Shorn of all subtlety. Direct. Wanting immediate response.
“Do you want me?”
Demanding reciprocity of sincerity and simplicity."
Do not tell me it was simple, raw or unadorned. Show me.
Just the simple. "Do you want me?" she asked. Would have gotten the message across.
"“Do you want me?”
Shorn of all subtlety. Direct. Wanting immediate response."
You could say this much better.
Her eyes locked into his. She would not let his gaze go. "Do you want me?"
It is a scientific fact that humans and other animals can tell exactly when something is looking directly at them. it only works when gazes meet. It is the reason why in public speaking they tell you to look over people or right between the eyes. You do not want your gaze to meet another. This starts a primal feeling of uneasiness or self awareness. This is why Dogs stare each other down until one submits and looks away. Use things like that. When we as the reader are placed in the shoes of a character we can feel the things that they feel, that is good character writing. When the reader starts to feel what the character is feeling with out you telling them to feel it... that is hotness.
Agents will never give you editorial advice unless they plan to represent you. It would be a waste of their time to offer you advice as that would be time they should be spending on writer's they plan to work with. Having a response at all is great, even if it is a rejection, as some agents will only respond to people they plan to work with.