B08 – Don't Know
I had always wanted to visit T. in his new home abroad. But due to a lack of time or money and often a combination of the two that trip was always postponed. The truth was that even if I had managed to hold up my end, he would have been too busy to spend much time with me.
One afternoon, during a visit home T. knocked at my door. I was surprised to find him on my doorstep. Both he and Jules have keys to my place. They knew they can enter anytime they want. He had gone for a walk and did not bring any keys at all.
"You think we can talk?" he added like an afterthought.
"Sure. C'mon in...
I was just making coffee.
Fancy a cup?"
"Verry funny.
You got any beer?"
He sat down in the living room and I went to grab a couple of bottles from the fridge.
Putting one down in front of him I tried to convey with my face what Jules had advised me:
“Take your time buddy. If you have a change of heart now, don't worry about it.
We can sit here quietly sipping away. Or talk about anything else you want.
I am not going to pry you open.”
He seemed to understand. We just sat there silently for several minutes.
At one point I started to think that if someone were to look in through the window, what they would see was two guys competing for most sips to finish a beer.
I tried to get rid of that thought immediately. Starting to smile was lot worse than saying something inappropriate.
Fortunately, he didn't notice and broke the silence himself.
"It... just...
It's.... it...
i.. makes no fucking sense..."
'Look who's talking' is what I wanted to say. For fear of strangulation, I chose not to.
"You know... " he continued.
"One minute she's there...
Alive... breathing... healthy...
I get on the plane... throughout the flight all I could do was painting pictures in my head of how she's going to grow up...
And then...
The plane lands...
Next I know...
It's all gone...
Shattered....
The picture of us as proud parents pointing at something wonderful little April is doing off-screen,
is replaced by a river of tears...
Y'know?..."
I did not know. I never had children. Nor plans for them. And so continued to say nothing.
He kept on mumbling along these lines to himself.
With his head hanging low he almost knocked the bottle when he raised up and looked at me with a combination of utter disbelief and physical pain.
"Say something..." he pleaded with me.
"There is nothing I can say that will make any of this better."
I tried to offer my sympathy.
"You always have something to say...
Some bogus rationalisation...
Why not now?”
Jules’ labour had started a couple of weeks ahead of schedule and T. with his commitments overseas was not able to return home in time for the birth.
I called him after driving her to the hospital. He said he will be on the first plane home.
Neither of us thought that this minor detail meant that he never got to meet his daughter for the few hours she was alive. Because he spent most of her life miles away in a plane.
After some hesitation I gave him my theory on the matter:
"It's a cruel world out there, we both know that."
He nodded as though he knew where I was going but didn't have the heart to say out loud.
"Some thrive on that, and live terrifically vicious and, for all we know, fulfilling lives.
The majority of us however, we suffer. With varying degrees of complaining and success."
Tee’s nodding was replaced by his “where the fuck are you going with this” face.
To which I replied with my “you kind of pushed me into that corner - so here goes” wink.
"Now, if we take the first 'group' at face-value, it is my belief that maybe there's is somewhere a counterpart on the other side of the spectrum.
History is littered with people you could describe as evil incarnate. But good incarnate?
They are few and far between...."
I let the last part hang in the air for a bit too long.
"Where the fuck are you going with this?"
"Maybe some are born too sensitive for this world...
And at one point in life to exit prematurely..."
"You're not suggesting that..." he could not finish the sentence.
"No, I am not." Glad I did not have to finish it either.
"Maybe she was born with the best of what you and Jules had to offer, someone so pure and innocent, someone too sensible for this world.
The first couple of hours of mere existence where a soul-crushing experience..."
"Stop...
Just stop..."
He got up, and stared at me.
Then at the only half empty bottle of beer in front of him.
After a few seconds he grabbed the bottle and threw it at wall behind me.
He muttered what sounded like "this was a waste" as he walked out as if he remembered an appointment.
I just sat there, looking out the window in front of me.
At one point I noticed that one of my feet were getting wet. I could not say which one it was., and I could not be arsed to clean up. I pulled both my legs up and hugged them in my chair.
I have no idea how long I remained like that, and when I fell asleep.
I awoke when it was dark outside and my way through the puddle.
The next morning, I discovered a couple of shards were stuck in my socks but didn’t find any cuts.
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