Fossil Fools

Prologue

They call me ‘bone boy’ at school.

They taunt me, point their fingers, and laugh when I pass. One or two actually push me about. Nothing too serious, yet.

Idiots!

What’s there not to get about fossils?

They are so much more than lumps of rock, each one tells a story.

Like travelling back 200 million years, to the Jurassic, before we humans were even a twinkle in evolution's eye.

Hunting fossils gives me a sense of perspective, of history, and the insignificance of my own tiny life.

For me they are a passport to an ancient world I can taste, and feel. They take me to the warm waters of the Jurassic, teeming with life from the tiniest starfish and ammonites to the great predator monsters of the deep. The biggest and most dangerous dinosaurs that ever lived.

My favourite is the Liopleurodon. It reached 25 meters with teeth the size of an axe. Way more deadly than a T. Rex. 

How cool is that!

Sometimes I daydream, imagining I’m swimming amongst these creatures, like I’m actually there. It blows my mind.

So I’m a marine fossil nut. That’s me. I’m weird, I know. 

Of course, I keep all this, largely to myself. 

Grandpa Bert, he understood me, and I caught the fossil bug off him when I was little. We had great fossil hunting trips together.

But Gramps died last year. Just a bunch of bones six feet under. A bit like a fossil himself, I suppose. No more hunts with him on the beach down at Charmouth. 

On the positive side, it’s February Half Term and we’re invited down to Gran’s. 

It’s such a relief we can actually travel and hug and all, now that we’ve all had the jab, and the global grand panic is over.

It’ll be freezing though, Mum and Adam will, without doubt drive me nuts. But I’ll have my hammer, chisels, and the Jurassic cliffs crammed full of fossilised sea monsters. Let the hunting begin.

 

Chapter 1

 

I carefully placed my small suitcase in the enormous boot of the silver Range Rover and jumped in the back. The meaty door shut with a satisfying clunk. Inhaling deeply, the intoxicating smell of leather and perfume overpowered me.

“Morning Darling!” Mum swiveled round from the driver's seat and air kissed me.

“Mwaa Mwaa!”

“Morning mum. You OK?”

“Stressed,” she replied. 

Mum’s always stressed. 

“Morning Jasper. All good?” her toy boy Philip said flashing his Hollywood dentistry.

“Fine” I mumbled. 

“Why is he always late? Mum whined. “Why does your brother always do this to me? I can’t stay parked here, I’m blocking the entire street. If he doesn’t come in two minutes, we’re leaving without him. He can catch the train for all I care!”

 

That’s mum for you, always complaining, always convinced the world’s out to get her.

“Please babes, let’s have a nice time. This is stressing me out. Please!…” begged Philip, making me cringe. 

A right dork, with head cocked to one side, staring at Mum with big blinking puppy eyes. Easy to see who wore the trousers there. But I agreed with him. Mum is so strung out these days. Someone, bring out the chill pills.

“Oh, my darling.” She tickled him under his chin like he was her pet Chihuahua. My guts churned, and I looked away.

“Yes Mum, please try to be calm this time. We’re supposed to be going on holiday. Relax!”

“I know Jasper, but REALLY! That brother of yours, he may be 3 years older than you, but sometimes I do wonder who is the more mature.”

I smiled out of the corner of my mouth and nodded. 

“Mum, you know what he’s like, an airhead. He’s probably still packing or saying goodbye to his precious chicken.”

“Don’t talk to me about the bloody chicken if you want me to calm down.” she shrieked.

“Philip, Adam tried to convince me to take the chicken with us to Dorset. Can you imagine, a chicken in the back driving us all mad.”

“I love chicken darling, but preferably Tikka Masala or Kentucky Fried.” He smiled, looking very pleased with himself, like he was 12.

“Terrible Dad joke Philip” I mocked.

“Don’t be rude, Jasper. Philip is my special friend, Mum smiled pinching his cheek, aren’t you darling?” 

I leaned forward and put two fingers down my throat.

“Talking of Dad’s, where is your useless father?” Mum asked.

“Dad’s right there, Mum”, I pointed. "Giving Adam a ‘huggy wuggy’, and Dad’s not useless.”

“Oh, look, Adam’s dropped something, shame…. and he isn’t wearing shoes. Now he’s running back in the house. What else could he have forgotten, his brain?”

“I can see what’s going on Jasper, I don’t need running commentary from you.” Mum snapped.

“He’s an air head Mum. Always was, always will be. Admit it.”

“Takes after his father on that score.” Mum muttered a little too loudly, but so handsome!”

“Bit of a Perfect Peter, are we, Jasper?” Philip retorted.

“Since when do you read Horrid Henry books, Philip?” I sneered.

“I have a niece.” He blushed and turned back to face front.

Baaarp Baaaaarp! Mum jabbed the fog horn hard with the heel of her hand. So much for not disturbing the neighbors.

 

Adam came running towards us with a ridiculous bed head. He clambered in throwing all his stuff onto me. I pushed it off onto the floor. 

“Morning all!” he said breezily.

"Finally! Can we get going?" Mum sniped.

“Said goodbye to chicky wicky, have we?” I needled.

“Shut up, Jasper, or I’ll shank you. Sorry about that. Few last bits and pieces. You know how it is. By the way, nice new motor, mum. 3.6 Straight six or 4.8 V8?”

Such a good schmoozer. Have to hand it to him. By the way, ‘Schmoozer’ is a great word Gran taught me. Means slimy bastard in Yiddish. A bit like ‘schmuck’, which he is too, which means ‘prick’, and schmerrill, which means airhead.  

Mum fired up the Monster machine, the fluorescent orange needle on the huge Rev Counter leapt and the exhaust growled.

“It's the 4.8 darling, like it? Tell Mummy how you are?”

 “Fine. Bit tired, though. Why are we going so early?” Adam whinged.

“Gran is expecting us for lunch and I want to be on time. I don’t want to upset her, she’s delicate, to say the least.”

“Mum, Dad’s over there. Aren’t you going to talk to him?” I asked.

“If he’s got something to say, he can come over to me, can’t he.” she snapped. “Sorry, darling. I shouldn’t be rude about your dad.” 

 

These days they have this kind of rule, which they constantly break, of not slagging the other off in front of us kids, although it’s a bit late for all that now.

 

Dad ambled over, but mum put her foot down and with a meaty roar the monster machine launched itself down my little Kentish Town street, pressing me back into the huge leather seat. Looking behind, I saw Dad fast disappearing, waving. He looked a bit pathetic standing there in his purple dressing gown and flip-flops. Such an old hippy. The only relief was that it was early enough for the neighbors likely not to see.

 

As Adam fiddled with his stuff, I took a good long look at Mum’s face reflected in the huge rear-view mirror. What had she done to herself this time? OK, platinum blond highlights, and straightened too. That was new. Went well with the Arctic white teeth. Makeup on with a trowel? Yup. Bright red lipstick, check. Long false eyelashes fluttered like manic black venus flytraps every time she blinked, which was often. Falsies at 9:00 on a Saturday morning, on our way to Gran’s?! What has happened to her? So uptight. And stinking the car with makeup and perfume and all. Uggg! Disgusting! 

But there was something else. Her face seemed tight, different, not right, not expressive, not Mum like.

 

Gagging, I opened the window, shut my eyes, flared my nostrils and filled my lungs deeply with delicious fresh cool morning London air. Gran’s smiling face floated in front of me and I smiled back. 

We were on our way to the Jurassic coast. Fossil hunting, Holidays! Yay! I patted my canvas shoulder bag, just checking that my hammer, chisels and goggles were all there present and correct.

Adam prodded me. “Close the f’ing window Jasper, it’s freezing.” I closed it.

 

“Hey Philip, can we change the music? 90s techno isn’t my thing?” Adam mocked.

The toy boy in the huge cream leather armchair twisted round and grinned another American chat show grin. As he placed his tanned hand on the center armrest, I noticed a fat diamond embedded in a hefty gold ring. His hair, thick, dark, wavy and combed back. Loads of stiff wet looking product in it. Kind eyes though, not all bad.

“We’ve got everything mate. Eight Bose speakers, in car Wi-Fi. What do you fancy? Or if you want to learn about Cryptocurrency, you could even watch my YouTube channel, ‘Coin It with the Shark Spinner’. I’ve got 40,000 followers!”

“Nice One, but not just yet, thanks.” Adam replied, crossing his arms. Philip’s smile dropped.

Mum chipped in, “I’ve bought you something special which will keep you both occupied till we get there. Philip, be a darling and hand the goodies to the boys.”

Philip passed us a large Amazon box, which was a mistake, bound to cause trouble.  

“It was passed to me, you Burk” Adam said, trying to snatch.

“Adam, give it to Jasper, now!”. Mum said sternly, eyes burning in the mirror. “Behave your age, you aren’t a baby anymore!”

“Ha Harrrrrrrr!!” I mocked, chin up, rolling my R’s. I took the box from his hands and he punched me on the side of my shoulder.

“Watch it, idiot” he whispered.

“Ow, that hurt, bastard!” I cried and pulled away.

 “Happy holidays gorgeous boys,” Mum chimed. “That should stop you fighting for the next few hours!”

I held my breath for a moment and then pulled the ‘Open here’ tag.

“OMG! In-car gaming system? Wow, thank you sooo much, it’s amazing!” I gushed.

“Cool!” Adam said. “So this plays through the screens in the back of the head rests? Very, very cool!” 

We looked at one another, nodding approvingly. At last, something we could agree on.

“Dad would totally freak about this,” I said. “You know he has totally banned computer games from the flat.”

“That’s why you have two parents, dear. If one’s daft, you always have a chance with the second. Let’s keep it our little secret, eh?”

She flashed a smile and for a moment I caught her lovely hazel eyes sparkling mischievously in the mirror. I remember that mum; I like that mum.

 “Get some practice in boys.” Philip chuckled, “Because I’ll be challenging you later.”

I grinned at him, I couldn’t help it. Although Philip was a bit of a prat, he clearly had his uses.

I sat back and enjoyed the ride, purring along the North Circular in a brand new silver Range Rover at almost 80 miles an hour. We had totally lucked out. 

The sun was up and the forecast was fantastic for a February half term, 16 degrees and clear skies.  

I would be down on that beach all day every day fossil hunting. Spiral Ammonites, Devil’s Toenails, Sea Urchins and shiny bullet shaped Belemnites were all great, but I was done with them. I was after the big one, a Plesiosaurus sea serpent, or an Ichthyosaur, (pronounced Ick-thee-o-saw) the monster dragon fish. 

I know I say it to myself every time I go down to Charmouth, but like a gambler, I knew this time it would be different. I had an excited nauseous feeling deep in my stomach, almost in my bones.

I put on the bluetooth headphones and burrowed deep into screen time with my bro. Brute strength makes no difference online. Against Adam, I was in with a good chance.

We flew along an oddly empty M40, the growl and purr of the engine soothing me even more. An hour passed in a flash. 

Looking up, I saw we were already pulling into the service station I like, the one with an M&S and a Costa. 

“Boys, Philip’s just going to fill up. Anything you need?”

“Thanks Mum, something nice. Make it a surprise.” Adam said.

“A Latte please.” I said.

“A Latte? That’s a bit metrosexual of you, Jasper!” she laughed.

“Yes Mum, it’s the one naughty thing Dad allows, but only organic fair trade.”

“OK, whatever you want, darling, we’re on holiday!”

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I love the smell of petrol. It's one of the great smells, along with Nando’s Peri Peri chicken, Lynx Black body spray, and one of my very own freshly brewed farts.

You know how smells can take you places? One whiff of fuel, especially jet fuel and there I am, 7 years old, with Adam, ‘unaccompanied minors’ boarding a 747 to JFK yet again. Being fussed over by a trolly dolly. Opening another ‘Sky Club’ in flight entertainment pack. Mum running to grab us into her arms at Arrivals. After their divorce, we sure clocked up the air miles with Mum working for the Bank in NYC.

Even 7 years later, the smell of gasoline evokes a strange mix of excitement and loneliness in the pit of my stomach. How strange is that? All with just filling up at a BP station, weird!

I got out to stretch my legs and stood next to Philip. I watched the electronic numbers on the pump flash by as he filled the beast up. 60, 70, 80, 90, 95,….. £112.76! Philip returned the nozzle into the holster.

“£112 quid Philip!?” I called out.

“Just goes on the company card.” he winked.

Off to the side I noticed some spit petrol has refracted into a blaze of color, like a peacock's feather. Blew my mind. I took a picture. Petrol is such weird stuff!

Mum climbed in and handed us the goodies.

“Treats darlings. Don’t ruin your appetite, though. Gran will, no doubt have laid out one of her famous spreads. That’s if she’s still fully compis.”

“Eh?” Adam grunted.

“Well, as you know, I’m worried about Gran. She’s not been right since Grandpa died.” 

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well…. your Gran has been doing her spiritualist bit, fretting about Grandpa’s spirit struggling to ‘move on’ as she puts it. Gran loves all this new age stuff, communicating with the ‘unseen worlds’. It’s all complete mumbo jumbo of course”

“What, are you saying, Grandpas become a ghost?” I half joked as I sipped the creamy froth.

“No, darling. As I said, it’s all nonsense. We just need to know that Gran is getting old, and she’s maybe losing it a bit. Choose some music Philip please and let’s get going!”

So off we went. She put her foot down, and the engine roared. I watched the orange needle climb back past 100.

“Time is precious, “she said.

"Yes, Mum, and so is fossil fuel. This beast must burn it. What about the planet?”

“You sound just like your hippie father,”

I sat back in my seat.

Gazing out at the world rushing by, I imagined the car as a massive fire-breathing dragon, with me riding it cowboy style. Together we were flying effortlessly over the land towards the sea. The enormous beast was totally under my control. How cool would that be? I could escape my crazy family and find a perfect place. I’d have Gran there, on the web and all my stuff. Best of all, I could jump on the back of the dragon and ask it to take me wherever I wanted whenever I wanted. A bit like a Jurassic Spacecraft Uber! 

Nowhere would be too far or too difficult. “Take me to Mars”, I’d say. Not even say, just think and the fire-breathing Dragon would take me there. Sipping my coffee, I smiled to myself. I felt happy, really happy for the first time in a long time.

 

After a few mins, Mum ruined it.

“Boys, there is something I want to talk to you about before we get to Gran’s.”

Her voice came over all serious.

“Oh, yeah?”

“With Gran being the way she is, please don’t cause her any unnecessary stress, you’ll be on your best behavior when we are gone, won’t you?”

“What do you mean ‘when we are gone’?” Adam asked.

“Oh, I’m sure I told you darling, Philip and I are staying nearby in a cozy little boutique hotel. It’ll be better for everyone that way.”

“No mum, you didn’t,” I said sternly.

Philip turned to me with a smirk on his face. “We all need a bit of privacy Jasper.”

"Yuk!" I gagged.

“Sorry darling, I’ve been so busy. Maybe I forgot to mention.” Mum said.

“Mum, what are you talking about? We’re all staying at Gran’s. That’s what she wants, she is all lonely now that Grandpa’s gone. Before that she was in Covid isolation. We have to be with her!”

“Jasper calm down. Gran would prefer it this way. She can have ‘special time’ with her grandsons without us interfering. I know you’ll both enjoy that. Philip and I will be just round the corner.”

Amazing how I always seem to fight the battles. Adam disappears just when you need him. I elbowed him in the rib and silently mouthed “say something!”

“Mum, it’s cool with me. If you and Philip want some time, you must do what you want.”

I crossed my arms tight, pulled my shoulders up to my ears, and watched the world go by. That brief, sweet, happy, relaxed feeling had already passed.