The Interfering Mother

by Emelia Spargo
21st September 2016

'Three days of our honeymoon left.' Jago said into the silence. 'What do you want to do?'

'I can't think. I know what I don't want to do.' Carenza told him.

'What's that?'

'Visit our families. I know mine will be embarassingly inquisitive.'

Right at that moment, they heard the front door open and a womans voice called out

'Hellooooo!'

Carenza paled a little.

'Oh Lord.' she groaned.

'Is that your mother by any chance?'

'Definitely.'

The front door slammed shut and a little round woman, with short light hair and glasses appeared at their kitchen door.

'There you are! Hello Carenza.'

Ever polite, Carenza got to her feet and kissed her mothers proferred cheek.

'Hello Mum.' she said stiffly. 

'It's nice to see you again, Mrs Berryman.' Jago had also stood and kissed the same cheek.

'Oh please, we're family. Call me Tegen.' Carenza's mother smiled and looked around towards the lounge. Her expression changed. 'You've rearranged all the furniture! Why on earth did you do that? It took me ages to get it perfect.'

Carenza clenched her fists and tried to stay calm.

'We argued about this before. I like the furniture this way. That's why I arranged it like this in the first place when I was here with Kensa.'

'It just looks so close together.'

'The way you had it, one of the arm chairs was facing away from the window and the television.'

'But if you have people around they won't be looking at you.'

'They'll have a better view this way. If it doesn't work we can move it again, but for now, me and Jago have arranged the furniture in our home as we like it.'

Tegen obviously picked up on the irritation and, glancing at Jago, she let the subject drop. Then immediately picked up on a new one.

'Why on earth have you got orange flowers in the house? Carenza, you know how I hate orange flowers indoors!'

'I do.' Carenza tried to keep the annoyance out of her tone. 'Though I've no idea why. They were a gift. From Jago's mother.'

'Oh.' Tegen suddenly seemed embarassed. 'I see.'

Jago smiled in his most charming manner.

'May I offer you a cup of tea Tegen?' he said. Carenza bit her lip and tried not to laugh at his over the top formality.

'Yes. That would be very nice. Thank you Jago.'

'Please, do sit down.' Jago pulled out a chair.

'Thank you.' Tegen sat down, looking a bit confused. Jago had always been perfectly charming before but now he seemed to be overdoing it a bit.

'Would you like anything to eat? I could make you some toast if you like.'

'No, thank you.'

Jago fetched another mug and he and Carenza both resumed their places at the table. 

'What bring you here today Mother?' Carenza noted how Jago's formality of the moment had rubbed off on her.

'I'm seeing how you are.'

'You don't need to check up on me.'

'I'm your mother and you are only nineteen.'

Carenza's temper flared again, but she tried hard not to shout.

'I am a married woman, Mother. A marriage which you arranged.'

'I'm only trying to do my best for you Carenza.'

She's doing it again Carenza said to herself. The old guilt trip trick.

'Tegen.' Jago had reverted back to his normal tone of voice. 'We appreciate all your help. But we are still on our honeymoon, in the early days of marriage. We're still getting to know each other. I'm afraid we need our own space to do that.'

'Perhaps, you should have stayed away longer.' Tegen said a little cuttingly.

'My intention, was for us to have a few days to settle into our new home together before I have to start my new job.' Jago explained.

'Thanks for the concern Mum, but I'm afraid your role in all this ended the moment we were pronounded married.' Carenza told her. 

'A mothers role is never over.'

'I never said your role as my mother was over. I said your role in my marriage was.' Carenza gave a sigh of exasperation. 'Mum, I love you, you know I do. But me and Jago have to sort out our life together on our own. And we'd really rather you didn't just let yourself in from now on.'

'You gave me a key. Why shouldn't I use it?'

'I gave you a key so you could keep an eye on the place while we were away and in case there is ever an emergency.'

'Oh. Well. If that's how you want it.' She suddenly stood up.

'Mum, please don't be like that.'

'I know when I'm not wanted.'

Before either of them could do anything, Carenza's mother had disappeared out of the door, without drinking her tea.

'That, was intense.' Jago remarked. 'Is she always like that?'

'A control freak? Guilt tripping her children?' said Carenza. 'Always. You should have seen her before Kenwyn and Kathik got married. She drove them mad. No wonder they're planning to move further up county at the first oppourtunity. She's already planning to get Perran married off as well and he's only seventeen.'

 

 

Comments

Well, Lorraine picked up on a lot of the faults that I saw, though there are several more examples of that [." she said.] type of mistake when it should be [," she said.]

e.g. 'Oh Lord.' she groaned.

Either 'Oh Lord.' She groaned. Not advisable, because it implies that she groaned after saying 'Oh Lord' and I assume that she groaned "Oh Lord";

or 'Oh Lord,' she groaned.

Or (my choice) 'Oh, Lord!' she groaned.

[?" she asked.] and [!" he said.] are perfectly correct, because - although in all three cases you're finishing a spoken sentence, and in all three cases that spoken sentence is within a longer sentence - you're using ? or ! to explain what KIND of spoken sentence it is.

You miss out apostrophes in possessive nouns. womans woman's; mothers mother's.

I'm sure that "over the top formality" should be "over-the-top formality". (3 words are being used as ONE adjective), but there are places where I'd put a comma where you didn't... and commas-or-not is a matter of style. I have editors writing to me "Hi Jimmy," (which I think is quite wrong: it shoild be "Hi, Jimmy"). So... 'Hello, Mum'.

Let me deal with this one a bit longer. You wouldn't write "Let me kill that, George" without the comma unless you meant something completely different. As far as I'm concerned a comma ALWAYS comes between what you're saying to someone and naming that person within the speech. Consider: "Don't you think George that I should get help?" and "Don't you think, George, that I should get help?" Or, more confusing: "Don't you think George and I mean this most sincerely that I should get help?" or "Don't you think, George, and I mean this most sincerely, that I should get help?" (Though those last 2 commas could - and should - be replaced by dashes or parentheses.)

Going against my usual fanaticism with commas, I'd remove the one after "Perhaps": "Perhaps you should have [...]". A general rule: Read it to yourself. Where a pause comes naturally, put in a comma. But, in THIS case, if you want a pause, you should do it like this: "Perhaps... you should have [...]". This implies that the speaker is debating with themselves whether to continue... and Tegen doesn't seem that kind of person to me.

As Lorraine pointed out, "me and Jago" is acceptable INSIDE a reported speech, because people do talk like that. But outside speech it wouldn't be. And since your characters usually speak correctly, *I* would correct that.

Final detail, a typo: pronounded pronounced.

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Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
26/09/2016

What an appalling mother! I quite understand how she would arrange a marriage, given your explanation on the other thread of the setting and situation.

Carenza is coming over as a stronger character than she first appeared, and Jago is proving capable of managing people he doesn't care for. One suspects a latent ruthless streak in him.

There are several typos to be corrected, and punctuation is still iffy. A case in point:

'That, was intense.' Jago remarked.

The comma is wrong - it shouldn't be there at all. The fullstop is wrong after 'intense'. The reason is that 'Jago remarked' belongs to the spoken words: it can't stand on its own as a sentence because it has no object. Jago remarked what?

'That was intense,' Jago remarked.

She's doing it again Carenza said to herself. - here you need a comma after 'again', because thought is treated the same way as speech.

'I do.' Carenza tried to keep the annoyance out of her tone. - here the fullstop after 'do' is correct, because the next part stands alone as a sentence.

'me and Jago' - you can keep this in speech if you want, but it is incorrect. You can't properly say 'me has arranged the furniture' so you can't say Jago and me have, or me and Jago have.

If you could replace the phrase with 'we', it should be Jago and I; if you could replace it with 'us', it's Jago and me. It's down to how you want to portray you character - does the speech reflect her level of education/social standing?

If you're interested, I've blogged about various grammar and punctuation matters at https://wordsunderoneroof.wordpress.com/

Hope this helps.

Lorraine

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