‘Mary, there was something I was going to tell you, but for the life me I can’t remember what it is.’ Mary looks at John, smiles to herself thinking this was what he said last night, and the night before, and will probably repeat again tomorrow. Mary didn’t mind, in fact she likes John’s absentmindedness. From the day they met she felt it gave him an endearing quality and knew that she was just as forgetful; so it made them the perfect couple.
‘Mary, I remembered it’s something to do with the moon. Keep the moons light in your sight; it will act as our guide to navigate home.’ John pauses for one pensive moment ‘I know there is something else I wanted to tell you about the light. Oh well I’m sure I’ll remember soon’.
‘It’s ok John’, Mary responds and plants a loving kiss on John’s cheek finishing the night yawning the words ‘I’m so tired we have been travelling all day, let’s sleep now; love you much.’ John’s returning smile is filled with a heart full of so much love for Mary, and thoughts of how lucky he is to have found his lifelong companion, his true soul mate. And with that, he hovers by her side momentarily giving her a kiss and settling down for the night.
The cold air intensifies and voluminous clouds fill the night sky dulling the moons glow. There is a loud roar so close that the vibrations jolt Mary and John awake simultaneously. They look quickly at each other, disorientated but realising the impending danger both fly out of their slumber and make a quick exit. In terror and confusion John nudges Mary in front of him as he keeps an eye on the unknown predator attacking from their rear.
‘Keep heading towards the light Mary, remember it is our safest route’, John hollers at Mary who he can now hear in front of him crying with fear ‘go as fast you can go’. Mary increases her speed and is now flying through the woodland and making good ground keeping the light in her eyes focus. And then to John's horror, he witnesses Mary’s delicate wings go up in flames as she flies directly into a campfire flame. John opens his wings to break his flight. His eyes immediately fill with tears as he remembers what he had forgotten every night.
‘Mary, don’t confuse the light of the moon with the light of a naked flame of fire’.
https://robpowellwrites.wordpress.com/
Lorraine,
Thank you kindly for your time spent and the detailed feedback provided it is truly appreciated. All the points you raised really helped me identify areas where this piece could be improved. Using your and Victoria's advise I plan to re-edit.
Thanks again,
Rob
Hi Rob,
This is a tragic tale with an interesting twist.
I've gone through it with my editor's hat on, to make various points.
In a two-hander, you shouldn't repeat names unless it's absolutely necessary to avoid confusion, or to break things up a little. When you are in a room with a friend, do you always refer to them by their name whenever you speak? It would soon become very irritating.
Punctuation is shoddy and it changes meanings: it's important to break up your lines with appropriate commas and so forth.
In UK English and frequently in US English, the finishing punctuation mark of a speech goes inside the inverted commas. The reason is that a comma or full stop ends the phrase that has been spoken, not the speech as a whole. This applies even if it's only one line: "This is what I mean." Take away the speech marks: This is what I mean. That sentence is complete as written. If I had two sentences within the speech marks, the same would apply: the inverted commas (single or double, whichever you choose) contain all that is spoken, however many sentences or exclamations or whatever apply to that piece of the dialogue. If you want to ask a question, the ? would go inside too. 'Do you see what I mean?' she asked.
'Mary didn’t mind, in fact she likes John’s absentmindedness' - 'Mary doesn't mind;': but why repeat her name? We know there are only two people here, and 'she' will be fine.
The same applies to his use of her name to start speech - you could drop one of them.
'absent-mindedness.'
'Mary, I remembered it’s something to do with the moon. Keep the moons light in your sight; it will act as our guide to navigate home.’ - it should be 'I've remembered' or I remember' here, since he's progressed since the first sentence. 'moon's light'; why 'our guide' and not 'your'?
'Oh well I’m sure I’ll remember soon’. Comma needed after 'well'; full stop goes inside the inverted commas.
'It’s ok John’, Mary responds' - 'okay', otherwise it's pronounced ock; you don't need 'Mary responds' - we know she is the one answering. Why not just 'It's okay, John.' Mary (or She) plants a loving kiss...' (You could dispense with 'John' here too.) Comma goes inside the inverted commas after 'John'..
‘It’s ok John’, Mary responds and plants a loving kiss on John’s cheek finishing the night yawning the words ‘I’m so tired we have been travelling all day, let’s sleep now; love you much.’ - this whole line needs breaking up. Punctuation is missing. Try this:
‘It’s okay.' Mary plants a loving kiss on his cheek, finishing the night yawning the words, ‘I’m so tired! We've been travelling all day. Let’s sleep now. Love you much.’
'John’s returning smile is filled with a heart full' 'filled...full' is clumsy.
'And with that, he hovers by her side momentarily giving her a kiss and settling down for the night.' - lose 'And with that' - it doesn't add anything. What does he do momentarily - hover by her side, or give her a kiss? Put a comma after 'momentarily', and all is made clear.
'moons glow' - 'moon's glow'
Lose 'simultaneously' - it's not necessary.
'They look quickly at each other, disorientated but realising the impending danger both fly out of their slumber and make a quick exit.' - again, this sentence needs breaking up to make sense. From where or what to they exit? Their room, or their slumber? They're already awake, so 'slumber' is wrong here; 'both' is wrong too; it's inherent in 'They'. Try:
'They look quickly at each other, disorientated; but realising the impending danger, they fly out of their bed and race for the door.' Or: 'They look quickly at each other. Disorientated, but realising the impending danger, they fly out of their bed and race for the door.'
'‘Keep heading towards the light Mary, remember it is our safest route’, John hollers at Mary who he can now hear in front of him crying with fear ‘go as fast you can go’.'
Again, the full stop goes inside the speech marks. Break this up, as before; otherwise, who is saying, 'go as fast as you can go'? Also again, don't repeat names unless it's not possible to know who is being referred to at this point.
‘Keep heading towards the light, Mary! Remember, it is our safest route,' John hollers. He can hear her in front of him, crying with fear. ‘Go as fast you can go.'
'making good ground keeping the light in her eyes focus.' 'making good ground, keeping the light in her eyes' focus.'
'And then to John's horror, he witnesses Mary’s delicate wings go up in flames as she flies directly into a campfire flame.' - 'his horror'; change 'he witnesses' - it's too clinical and detached, like someone giving testimony.
'His eyes immediately fill with tears as he remembers what he had forgotten every night.' - you really don't need 'immediately'; it's intrusive and detracts from the emotion.
'the light of a naked flame of fire’.' - lose 'of fire' - what else is a naked flame if not fire? Again, full stop inside speech marks.
Hope this helps.
Lorraine
I am so sorry! Rob* haha that would be me not reading your name correctly haha!