Still Falling

Hi Kate,

I agree with most of the above comments - it's witty and engaging. Because it's good, I'm going to be picky about the punctuation so you can make it even better.

There are an awful lot of brackets here. There is a set in 1102 - Because (after being told he wasn't allowed) I think that one and a few others would be fine just in commas. You have so many bracketed sections, it wouldn't hurt to lose a few. This one particularly wasn't her voice adding commentary but a simple addition to the sentence, which is why I think it would be better in commas.

Then there are just a few commas which seemed to have joined the party for no reason.

1101 I know for certain, I'm not allowed to have a relationship

That first phrase doesn't need a comma. You have a few of those scattered about.

Here is another

(stench, is the word I think she used)

I agree with the use of the brackets there, but the comma shouldn't be there.

Another option as to why those horrible stomach churning feelings coursed through me, could also have something to do with the irksome little oik ordering me to do something that was not even remotely linked to Welfare.

Amazingly this should be all one phrase without a comma, but perhaps it would be better rewritten in a shorter form.

Here is one which is a matter of personal taste.

I left my seat, to brave the elements, and whispered in his bruised, battered and very blue ear:

I would remove the first two commas from that one as it clutters the sentence, but you could leave it in.

And lastly, commas shouldn't be used after brackets, even mid-sentence. You have occasionally done that.

I think writing comedy is the hardest thing and you're doing it quite successfully, but comedy is all about timing. The rhythm has to be particularly excellent to make the most of the words, so attention to detail is going to be really important with this piece. Good Luck! Vxx

Hi Kate, I didn't know what to make of this when I started reading, but I very quickly got hooked! I've read all your stuff on your blog as well. Love it! Phil

Kate, funny isn't it, your asking me to review this just at a moment when we have an army chaplain (a 'padre', and a woman to boot) holidaying with us. So while I've not heard the same stories, I have some feeling for the setting you're writing in. Most especially - and it's the perfect place to end - officers' coffee. Wonderful denouement.

Lovely stuff. I especially like 'exposed to the elements'. It's a great phrase you can get away with because your narrator is older than these lads, so it's not quite the class snobbism it might otherwise be.

I think the episodic structure works just great, no question.

1101 is messy though. You've used it to introduce the narrator, the setting and the job. It's too big a burden. Here's a thought.

Start with a short, easily accessible episode - no explanations, the title gives enough of a hint. Without trying to be didactic you can cover the content of para 3, about the job.

Then do an episode on rules and ranks (with a hint about the object of desire who appears in 'Dopey Hope').

You can deal with the matter of the narrator's appearance in 'Someone Like You'.

There, you've got rid of clunky 1101 and all its awkward brackets.

If you want to deal with Mary Hodges's question about 'how come?', you could report an episode, from your early days, about what you thought it would be like in this role, as the army puts it, "WRVS Service Welfare Officers provide Soldiers Under Training with advice, guidance, sympathy and practical support for any problems they may be having. Appointments are not needed."

Not right at the start; we can cope with a bit of uncertainty, but not too far in. Perhaps an episode called 'Appointments Not Needed'.

Terrific.

All the best. David

PS One last thought. might it be nice to be introduced to the CO before Officers' Coffee? I would like to want something to go wrong for him, if you get my meaning, and for that I need to have met him earlier..