In the Devonshire countryside a lovely gentle breeze sways the long grass as wild animals graze in peace. The sun’s rays shine brightly as they cross the clear sky. With rabbits hopping and playing together, visible only when they leap from the long grass, and a multi-coloured sea of poppies, lavenders and daisies, it’s a picture postcard setting.
It’s this setting that Zen and his family call home.
Their home is a beautiful three-bedroom cottage with a quaint thatched roof. The garden is flushed with flowers in full bloom; roses of reds, yellows and whites, asters of vibrant blue and hydrangeas awash with many shades of purple. A large tree stands proud at the farthest end of the garden, a tree house built into the upper branches.
Stood amongst the flowers is Jaxin Taylor, who is Zen and Win’s mother. Jaxin is a fine lady, in her early forties, brunette, of a very caring nature and softly spoken. She often spends quality time with their children.
A music teacher with a love of writing and performing songs for children, she enjoys nothing more than spending time with her son and daughter, singing along with them, gently guiding their vocals with her own beautiful voice.
The children have ventured just beyond the fence that marks off the garden. They are half playing, and half watching their father, Marcus Taylor, at the beaten up old barn they purchased with the cottage.
Jaxin’s shoulders sag. Even without seeing their faces she knows the children are disappointed. Things have changed recently in the family home.
There was a time when the children had plenty of family involvement, weekend game nights with mum and dad and Zen’s best friend Joe. They’d have barbeques, little parties, song nights… They were a happy and close-knit family who communicated well with one another. The family thrived and both Zen and Win were growing up as well adjusted and confident young adults.
Then Marcus purchased a dilapidated and broken plane. And everything changed.
Marcus had been a flight instructor for as long as he and Jaxin had been together. He loved his work and took real pride in his job. He’d spend as much time as possible in the air, not just with students but with Jaxin too, taking her on little adventures that she wouldn’t expect. When the children came along – first Zen, then Win several years later – he’d take them too.
When they weren’t in the air, Marcus and Zen would play with model planes or build intricate models. Even Win’s favourite teddy bear wore a set of flight goggles that Jaxin had sewn onto the head.
They had been a happy family.
It was when the company Marcus works for took cost-cutting measures of no longer allowing staff to use their aircraft, that Marcus had bought the dilapidated old plane now standing in their barn with the aim of owning a functional aircraft. Determined not to let his children down, he’d purchased the plane convinced he could repair and restore it at a reasonable cost. Then they can fly for their summer holiday. Except it had taken longer, and had cost much more than expected to get the plane functional. Marcus was no longer simply pursuing a desire, he’d become obsessed.
He’d be the first one up in the morning, out at the barn before anyone was awake. He’d be the last one to bed at night too. He’d come in after the lights were out in the house and simply fall asleep on the sofa fully clothed. His meals were taken out to him, and the days of spending quality time with his children were long forgotten. Days of singing Jaxin’s songs were gone. Reading bedtime stories to the children had also gone by the wayside. He was more interested in reading aircraft mechanical manuals than reading bedtime stories to Win.
For two straight summers Marcus had allowed his relationship with his children to suffer, Jaxin’s anger and frustration always falling on deaf ears. This summer would be the third straight summer where Jaxin would be left to try and entertain the children herself while they pined after their father. She loved the opportunity the summer holiday gave her but wished Marcus would see how much they missed him.
Zen and Win stare longingly at Marcus as he pokes and prods at the plane inside the barn.
“He doesn’t love us anymore, does he?” asks Win.
“Sure he does,” reassures Zen. “He just wants to get the plane fixed so he can keep his promise.”
“I hate that plane,” Win is being grumpy.
“No, you don’t, you just miss dad.” He wraps his arm around his sister. “I do too.”
Jaxin calls out to her children, “Kids, it’s almost dinner time, how about you get washed up?”
“Yes mum,” comes Zen’s melancholy response.
Rather than head for the gate that opens into the field and, in turn, the barn, Zen helps Win climb over the small fence and then climbs over himself. “Catch me, quickly!” he calls to Win as he drops off the fence. She dodges out of the way, not trusting Zen not to land on her.
Jaxin watches the children head inside with a smile that is quickly replaced with grim determination once they’re out of sight. She heads for the gate. She’s going to have yet another try at talking some sense into her husband.
In the barn Marcus seems to have vanished. It’s only when she hears a clunk from beneath the aircraft that she realises where he is.
“Is this going to be another summer when the kids don’t see you?”
“Hi love,” says Marcus affectionately.
“I asked you a question.” Jaxin’s tone is hostile.
Marcus slides a little way out from beneath the plane so he can see Jaxin. “They see me every day.”
“From a distance, they watch you working in here while they’re out there,” she jerks an arm towards the field outside the barn.
Melinda, I don't want to discourage you, but I have to answer your question "Would this be a put-off if sent to an agent?" with "yes".
Jimmy evidently spent quite a while going over this and didn't even get to all the mistakes before he had to go to bed. And this is just a sample from a whole novel.
I don't enjoy writing this, but I feel that you'd be wasting your time if you sent it to an agent without a real overhaul. If your editing service left all those mistakes, you need to find another.
Don't forget that many agents get 100s of mss sent to them every year. They CAN'T READ THEM ALL. Unless YOU put in the work (or pay somebody else to do it) to make your book as flawless as possible, an agent's not going to spend much time reading it.
There are people on this site - GOOD writers, who control most of the rules - who have spent YEARS writing and rewriting ONE book.
Having said all that... DON'T GIVE UP!!!
Many thanks Jimmy, excellent comments, very much appreciated. So much I've learnt here.
Would this be a put-off if sent to an agent? I actually had it edited, but these things weren't ironed out.
I didn't tell you last night (aka the wee-small hours of this morning), Melinda, that I really like the theme: A father is so caught up in doing something nice for his family (repairing a plane so that the whole family can fly again)... that he neglects his family.
The means swallows up the ends. It too often happens. (Especially with parents and children.)