Zen & Win

by Melinda Tung
3rd September 2016

In the Devonshire countryside a lovely gentle breeze sways the long grass as wild animals graze in peace. The sun’s rays shine brightly as they cross the clear sky. With rabbits hopping and playing together, visible only when they leap from the long grass, and a multi-coloured sea of poppies, lavenders and daisies, it’s a picture postcard setting.

It’s this setting that Zen and his family call home.

Their home is a beautiful three-bedroom cottage with a quaint thatched roof. The garden is flushed with flowers in full bloom; roses of reds, yellows and whites, asters of vibrant blue and hydrangeas awash with many shades of purple. A large tree stands proud at the farthest end of the garden, a tree house built into the upper branches.

 Stood amongst the flowers is Jaxin Taylor, who is Zen and Win’s mother. Jaxin is a fine lady, in her early forties, brunette, of a very caring nature and softly spoken. She often spends quality time with their children.

A music teacher with a love of writing and performing songs for children, she enjoys nothing more than spending time with her son and daughter, singing along with them, gently guiding their vocals with her own beautiful voice.

The children have ventured just beyond the fence that marks off the garden. They are half playing, and half watching their father, Marcus Taylor, at the beaten up old barn they purchased with the cottage.

Jaxin’s shoulders sag. Even without seeing their faces she knows the children are disappointed. Things have changed recently in the family home.

There was a time when the children had plenty of family involvement, weekend game nights with mum and dad and Zen’s best friend Joe. They’d have barbeques, little parties, song nights… They were a happy and close-knit family who communicated well with one another. The family thrived and both Zen and Win were growing up as well adjusted and confident young adults.

Then Marcus purchased a dilapidated and broken plane. And everything changed.

Marcus had been a flight instructor for as long as he and Jaxin had been together. He loved his work and took real pride in his job. He’d spend as much time as possible in the air, not just with students but with Jaxin too, taking her on little adventures that she wouldn’t expect. When the children came along – first Zen, then Win several years later – he’d take them too.

When they weren’t in the air, Marcus and Zen would play with model planes or build intricate models. Even Win’s favourite teddy bear wore a set of flight goggles that Jaxin had sewn onto the head.

They had been a happy family.

It was when the company Marcus works for took cost-cutting measures of no longer allowing staff to use their aircraft, that Marcus had bought the dilapidated old plane now standing in their barn with the aim of owning a functional aircraft. Determined not to let his children down, he’d purchased the plane convinced he could repair and restore it at a reasonable cost. Then they can fly for their summer holiday. Except it had taken longer, and had cost much more than expected to get the plane functional. Marcus was no longer simply pursuing a desire, he’d become obsessed.

He’d be the first one up in the morning, out at the barn before anyone was awake. He’d be the last one to bed at night too. He’d come in after the lights were out in the house and simply fall asleep on the sofa fully clothed. His meals were taken out to him, and the days of spending quality time with his children were long forgotten. Days of singing Jaxin’s songs were gone. Reading bedtime stories to the children had also gone by the wayside. He was more interested in reading aircraft mechanical manuals than reading bedtime stories to Win.

For two straight summers Marcus had allowed his relationship with his children to suffer, Jaxin’s anger and frustration always falling on deaf ears. This summer would be the third straight summer where Jaxin would be left to try and entertain the children herself while they pined after their father. She loved the opportunity the summer holiday gave her but wished Marcus would see how much they missed him.

Zen and Win stare longingly at Marcus as he pokes and prods at the plane inside the barn.

“He doesn’t love us anymore, does he?” asks Win.

“Sure he does,” reassures Zen. “He just wants to get the plane fixed so he can keep his promise.”

“I hate that plane,” Win is being grumpy.

“No, you don’t, you just miss dad.” He wraps his arm around his sister. “I do too.”

Jaxin calls out to her children, “Kids, it’s almost dinner time, how about you get washed up?”

“Yes mum,” comes Zen’s melancholy response.

Rather than head for the gate that opens into the field and, in turn, the barn, Zen helps Win climb over the small fence and then climbs over himself. “Catch me, quickly!” he calls to Win as he drops off the fence. She dodges out of the way, not trusting Zen not to land on her.

Jaxin watches the children head inside with a smile that is quickly replaced with grim determination once they’re out of sight. She heads for the gate. She’s going to have yet another try at talking some sense into her husband. 

In the barn Marcus seems to have vanished. It’s only when she hears a clunk from beneath the aircraft that she realises where he is.

“Is this going to be another summer when the kids don’t see you?”

“Hi love,” says Marcus affectionately.

“I asked you a question.” Jaxin’s tone is hostile.

Marcus slides a little way out from beneath the plane so he can see Jaxin. “They see me every day.”

“From a distance, they watch you working in here while they’re out there,” she jerks an arm towards the field outside the barn. 

Comments

OK, I’m making notes as I go along, so I haven’t yet got an OVERALL feeling for the piece.

a) Lots of people (I’m not one of them) would advise you to reduce the amount of adjectives. Some would even say that you should throw all adjectives out the window. I’ve never understood this advice. (What are they THERE for if we’re not supposed to use them?) But try not to overdo them.

b) You describe the SURROUNDINGS as Zen’s family’s home. You follow that immediately with “Their home is a beautiful three-bedroom cottage with a quaint thatched roof.” Aside from having the word “home” twice in the space of 3 words, you’re contradicting yourself here. Is their home the lovely setting… or a building? IIWY (If I were you), I’d leave the 1st “home” where it is and start the next sentence: “Their actual HOUSE is…” [“house” should be stressed in some way: I can’t use italics or undelining in this reply box.]

c) “picture-postcard setting”: not “picture postcard setting” “picture-postcard” is acting as ONE adjective to describe “setting”, so it needs to be hyphenated … “tree-house”, not “tree house”. (At least, that’s my feeling… and “tree-house” DOES appear in dictionaries.) I’m not going to look for other “sins” against this rule (I don’t know if there ARE any elsewhere in this work), just give this advice: Learn when 2 words should be hyphenated, when they should be separate, and when they should be melted into one. For example: “Look at my cat fish!” means something COMPLETELY different to “Look at my catfish!”

d) “She often spends quality time with their children.” Who are “they”? Yes, of course I KNOW… but you haven’t introduced the father yet, so you shouldn’t include him in a pronoun. “her” works perfectly here, without implying that she’s a single mother. SUGGESTION (not correction): Read that sentence aloud, then the following: “She enjoys frequent quality time with her children.” Which do you prefer?

e) I missed this one, but on re-reading it strikes me: “Stood amongst the flowers is Jaxin Taylor” It sounds as if somebody else has stood her there. You’re better off with “Standing”

f) I wrote d) before reading the next paragraph, where I find this: “she enjoys nothing more than spending time with her son and daughter”. So if you followed my suggestion, you repeat “enjoys”, if you stick to your original, you repeat “spend”. More important, you’re saying almost (not exactly) the same thing twice in 2 paragraphs. IIWY, I’d drop one of them. If you need to use the “quality time” idea, you could build it into the 2nd paragraph, e.g. “Of their frequent quality time together, there was nothing that she enjoyed more than singing…”

It’s 02:01, I’m getting tired. I’m going to read this through without looking for mistakes and give you my idea of the whole feeling…

Alright, I now understand why you were advised to write this in the past. You yourself introduce the past and you don’t manage to transmit a clear idea of which is present, which is past. For example, Marcus has STILL not finished working on the plane, spending money, neglecting his family, etc., at the time that you’re writing about: the present. Consider the following:

“Determined not to let his children down, he’d purchased the plane convinced he could repair and restore it at a reasonable cost. Then they can fly for their summer holiday. Except it had taken longer, and had cost much more than expected to get the plane functional. Marcus was no longer simply pursuing a desire, he’d become obsessed.

“He’d be the first one up in the morning, out at the barn before anyone was awake. He’d be the last one to bed at night too. He’d come in after the lights were out in the house and simply fall asleep on the sofa fully clothed.”

It seems to me, that if you want to keep the present tense, you need to change this to (my changes are in capital letters):

“Determined not to let his children down, he’d purchased the plane convinced he could repair and restore it at a reasonable cost. Then they COULD fly for their summer holiday.

“Except THAT IT’S TAKING longer, and IS COSTING much more than expected to get the plane functional. Marcus IS no longer simply pursuing a desire, HE’S obsessed.

“HE’S ALWAYS the first one up in the morning, out at the barn before anyone ELSE IS awake. HE’S the last one to bed at night too. HE COMES in after the lights ARE out in the house and [suggestion here: OFTEN] simply FALLS asleep on the sofa[COMMA] fully clothed.”

It might actually be easier to move everything into the past. If not, you have some tricky problems to solve. But you can do it. Good night!

BTW, for some light-hearted distraction, why not join in at https://www.writersandartists.co.uk/question/view/2644 ? (Read https://www.writersandartists.co.uk/question/view/2645 before you jump in!)

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Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
03/09/2016

First comment (before I've even started reading the thing): NOT YOUR FAULT, but when you double-space in Word, then copy-and-paste here, THIS section of the site double-spaces all your double-spacing (this doesn't happen on Q&As, nor on these reply boxes)... so you end up with RIDICULOUS amounts of space between your paragraphs.

Please edit it to make it only single-double-spaced.

(I'm now going to copy-and-paste it into Word, adjust spacing and read it at my leisure [without spacing out]. I WILL return... PROMISE!)

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Jimmy
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Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
02/09/2016