Any one got any tips on character development..... ive just wrote the following paragraph for a new short story.. how can i make her more descriptive and still make it flow as well?
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I was rudely awoken by the loud humming of my phone alarm. It was six thirty am and I had to get ready for work. I slowly peeled my head off the pillow, took a deep anticipated yawn, and turned over to face my soul mate Jack who was still asleep next to me.
I ran my long neatly polished finger nails through his silky mousy hair, burrowing my head into his smooth bare chest; inhaling deeply to catch his aroma.
“Morning sweet heart I whispered”, nuzzling at Jacks ear, “I’ve Got to get up now and go to work…I’ll see you tonight about six thirty for dinner” I whispered.
I slowly unwrapped myself from the sheets that entangled our bodies and gently crept out of bed, leaving Jack to sleep a little longer.
He simply was the most perfect person I had ever met in my entire life, perfection in every possible way, an angel, and my soul mate. What would I do without him? I contemplated sadly.
Description doesn't add character - description adds description.
POV adds character - it's like description which only that character would give, and which tells us about what they think.
Consider:
My alarm woke me earlier than is fair. Jack lay alongside, a beached whale covered in steel wool lichen, grumbling at the disturbance.
Consider:
My alarm woke me screeching so loud I was afraid it would wake Jack. He murmured but remained asleep, the once-dark chest hairs rising and falling evenly.
This is brief, but hopefully you'll get the idea. In the first: an unflattering description of Jack, some self-pity and bitterness as her lot. In the second: a reference to the years they've spend together and concern that he not be disturbed. Both cover the same event: an alarm clock rings and the wife looks at her husband.
If I might suggest...
Rudely awoken by the alarm my head peeled (yawning) off the pillow. Sadly I contemplated what I would do without my [soul mate] Jack but it was time to get ready for work. Turning to nuzzle his smooth bare chest [or his ear] and murmuring “Morning sweet heart. Sorry, got to go...’ I inhaled his aroma. Provoked my fingers ran through his silky hair. Still sleeping he seemed the most perfect person in my whole life as my creeping out of bed unwrapped the entangling sheets.
I don't know if I'm supposed to do this but... I have condensed the main sentiments to 86 words from your 169.
Doing this takes practice! Doing it as a first draft isn't often possible until one has gained an awful lot of practice.
Condensing requires the identifiaction of the key points from the first (or fifth) draft. It may require a re-shuffle.
It certainly needs all duplication cut out.
One thing that bothers me is that you use the word "I" 11 “I” times: 9 actual and 2 variants. This has a jackhammer effect. They can be reduced to three.
In this limited word context only one adjective at a time is preferable. Any other detail, if really needed, can be put in elsewhere.
There are a couple of things that could be removed.
If Jack is asleep he’s not going to hear the comment about seeing him later and he probably knows where she is going – or she would leave a note (possibly mentioned later - maybe with an endearment) – because he wouldn’t hear that either.
I really hope that this helps.
It took me ages to get my writing to where I can do this - but it is worth it.
David
Surely there is a big question about the length of the work you are setting out to produce?
Obviously you have to accept that in a very short story there is limited space to fit in more than essential: unless you can develop good strategies.
At the other end of the spectrum I felt that books like "The Day of the Jackal" spent far too much time padding out with information. Good as the film was I nearly gave up on the book.
A paragraph is, I think, much too short as an example for really useful comment.
However... I think that the one you present almost knocks me over with information. There is so much packed in!
Which do you prefer for yourself a simple sandwich with a few really good ingredients that you can really taste or one of those hot-dog stand pile-ups with every relish in sight?
Of course there is a time and place for both options - but not together.
I jst looked back at your original question.
1,500 words... Characterisation and description have to be woven into the fabric without distracting form the focus of the story. Ideally the reader might get to the end and realise that they have unconsciously developed an image of the character(s) or event(s) much greater than the basic material.
I don't think that we can necessarily determine what image the reader develops. More importantly I think that it is a big mistake to try to force the reader even in a direction let alone to a specific conclusion. Isn't it a bit like meeting a person? if they are overly effusive isn't it more likely to cause us to back away?
How do we achieve the right balance?
I don't know! I'm working on it. It takes practice, practice and revision of the text: lots of revision sometimes.
In a longer work I have discovered that going away and leaving the thing completely alone for periods is extremely important.
All of which possibly points you in several different directions...
But I hope that this is helpful.
David