Query letter

Damien, was it this letter (as it's cut and pasted) the agent told you was strong? May I ask who that was, because there are some basic errors here. This is going to be confusing to read, but I'll put my comments in between stars *like so*

I am seeking representation for my debut novel *I prefer to state what I'm sending (please find attached the first 10 pages...) them rather than saying I'm seeking rep simply because if I wasn't seeking rep I wouldn't be sending them a submission*, YOUR BOOK TITLE, a mysterious fantasy *this should be the genre. Mysterious fantasy is not a genre. I don't know what it means so immediately I don't know your comparable titles* aimed at readers age 9-12. I have chosen your agency because (DO SOME RESEARCH ON THEM) *or if the agency has more than one agent, why you chose them. If it's generic ("I've chosen you because you rep Fantasy"), better to leave it out*. The manuscript consists of (HOW MANY WORDS) Full edit by (USE THE NAME OF YOUR EDITOR IF YOU HAD ONE) *I wouldn't ever do this. It's telling the agent you don't know how to edit yourself*

(YOU’RE LOG-LINE) *It should be "Your". Also log lines are a contentious business. They can often be too generic and the point of the cover letter is to excite the agent. If you've got a great one, go with it, but if it's something like "An ordinary man is thrust into a world of confusion and must do the thing he never expected" then leave it out*

After emerging from a life of secrecy to raise a family, Mr and Mrs Jones are shocked back into action buy *BY. Buy means to purchase* a memory potion. *this sentence is in the wrong order. You've got them emerging from their life of secrecy and then taking the potion - but how can they emerge from their life if they've forgotten its secret? See what I'm saying? A cover letter needs to be tightly written, so a sentence like this suggests problems with the language of the MS* But when they are reminded of their evil nemesis, there is only one person from their true world who can save them… their son! *You're telling me me he has to save them from the memory of their evil nemesis (which is a sloppy phrase in itself because I doubt you get many charitable nemeses). Also, because I know your book, I know it's about Jacob, where as this tells me I'm about to read a book about Mr and Mrs Jones. You might also consider the punctuation. Your ellipsis and exclamation mark make it more of a punchline. Compare it to "there is only one person from their true world who can save them: their son." The correct version is whichever suits your novel best.*

(ABOUT YOU DON’T LIE)

I started writing as a press officer for an art gallery in 2010. My first press release was for the Beetles’ *it's The Beatles, not the Beetles.* photographer Bill Zygmant. I held the post for one year before moving on to concentrate on my own business. I currently write reports to submit to my clients for court cases pending in my day-to-day employment. *I don't understand what this sentence says. Can't you just say "I'm currently a "name of job"? It doesn't sound like it has anything to do with writing fiction, or the age range you're writing for, or the subject of your novel. I'd consider (and that is consider as in: get some other opinions about it) putting something like: Jacob Jones began as a bedtime story for my son who is now [name of regiment and where he's posted]. The case for: it's a good marketing angle because he's a serving soldier. The case against: It's getting into "My family have all read it and think it's great!" territory."

(THE NICE BIT)

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

(YOU’RE NAME) *Your*

What does 'log-line' mean? also, I see that many agents don't accept fantasy or science fiction, do you know why? Did you feel you had a much smaller pool of agents to write to than if you were for example in the 'Adult commercial fiction/lit. fic. category?

How many agents did you target for your first round of submissions?

Did you send hard copies? I am finding this very frustrating and actually targeting agents who use email submissions first. Snail mail is so expensive!