There are parts of this that I feel are clunky. The description in the first part of the chapter is a real sticking point for me, as is the abruptness of the end. Please let me know what you think :)
03 Pilgrim
Fifty miles was not far enough but fifty would have to do. The car overheated; the dust got inside the air intake. I salvaged what I could and went on foot. Deep under the ashen ground was a road. These paths once lead somewhere in this barren place and I had to believe that still held true. To danger or to salvation I did not care as long as I was moving.
As the temperatures plummeted and the light faded I dug myself a shallow grave in between two boulders. Then, burying myself under my camouflaged covers I sealed myself in with dirt. Nights exposed were the worst. I shivered and fretted; keeping one eye open. The silence stretched into infinity. The land around me glowed silver from the luminescence of a billion stars. In the moments when I dared to take my eyes from earth I cursed their clarity.
I fell into a restless sleep. When the morning heat burned I awoke with the realisation that the silence had been broken by a cowbell. The emaciated bovine stood ten paces away, hoofing with futility at the ground. It had not seen me in my den. Somebody was singing close by. Childs feat crossed my vision. I stayed as still as the dead.
They moved away from my line of sight. Once they had gone I clawed my way from my tomb and began to follow their tracks. They led me across dust filled farmland then off away into the rocky hills. I could see them in front of me; they did not turn round. That I did not know what danger I was walking towards was a fact I allowed. The child was alive, the cow was too; that meant something. People eaters were bloated and they did not keep cattle; at least, none that I had come across did. The child began to climb and later I did too. I lost sight of them but the cowbells chimes told me what I needed to know.
The midday sun was hot enough to cook an egg by the time the child stopped. I climbed up the rocks to a vantage point and edged from my hiding place to look down on their progress. Below were ruins. A low brick and mud dwelling with a broken roof and outbuildings enough to house three families. I could not see the cow; the tolling of it’s bell had grown silent. The ruins were empty. The hair on my neck bristled. I looked around at the hills. Had I walked into a trap? I drew my knife and backed away from the edge of my hiding place. I had been stupid to follow. As I turned to head back down the hill a shadow flickered and the butt of a gun sailed towards my face. I had been caught.
There was a chattering tapping to my left. The scent of wood smoke in my nostrils. my open eyes saw nothing and my head throbbed. I collected my thoughts; my name; my history. I pushed myself into a sitting position; my hands were tied in front of me. As I shifted the sack over my face fell. Light, so blinding, burned my eyes. I closed them tight again. The chattering tapping grew louder; the smells of smoke grew stronger.
‘Water,’ I choked. I was parched. my mouth felt like a dryer landscape than the one my body inhabited. Nobody came. The chattering turned into scratching. My eyes were adjusting and I saw a chicken by my foot.
The beautiful creature stopped its business and raised its head, turning its beady eye towards me. We regarded each other as dying breeds do; with forlorn curiosity. I started to laugh. It had been years since I had seen a prey animal, now I saw two in a day. I almost believed I had died and been given a second chance. Perhaps I was wrong to think the whole world was the wasteland I inhabited. The chicken ruffled its feathers and let out an indignant ‘bwark.’ My laughter turned to coughs as my throat stuck together.
‘You mad?’
I squinted up at the voice, the child. No, not the child, a girl, older.
‘What you got to laugh about anyhow?’
I opened my mouth and showed her my blistered tongue, ‘Water,’ I rasped.
She scratched her head and looked back over her shoulder.
‘Please.’
‘why?’
I didn’t know what to say to that, I had no words to justify my own existence.
‘what’ll you give me huh?’ She came into the hut and squatted down out of my reach. ‘You gunna eat me? Mamma B says they eat kids slow, gotta watch out.’
‘I’m not...’ my voice stuck and I started to cough again. The girl stood up and kicked some dirt at me; the chicken spooked and flapped ingloriously up into the rafters. I heard the girl run from the barn whilst I was watching the bird settle.
The hours crept by; nobody else came. I slept because there was little else to do. The bindings on my wrists were too tight and started to bleed if I moved. I sated my thirst from drinking my own blood; It did not help. The heat climbed so high I began to hallucinate. I saw shadows that I thought were people. Things crawled and moved and took on new meanings. I saw my road and I saw all those who had traveled along it before me. Then the heat began to leave the world and I drifted into true sleep.
‘Who are you?’
The words cut through me like a sword. My eyes shot open and I rolled away from the noise. Twilight showed the speaker to be a middle-aged man; his voice both deep and nasal.
‘Not a threat. Need water.’
He spat on the floor. Chewing tobacco was something I would never get used to. ‘Thought I damaged you; hit you hard.’
I said nothing.
‘Why did you follow my boy?’
‘Cows need water.’
‘Ain’t nothing free in god's great kingdom,’ he spat on the floor again.
‘You’re religious?’ I asked, hoping to find any edge I could.
‘This life is divine proof of god’s great reckoning,’ he lifted his head to the ceiling; his hands opened out as if he had been crucified. I noted the cross on his necklace and the self-made branding of the trinity on his arm. I had seen tribes of religious nuts, some were good, some were terrifying, all of them made me nervous.
‘Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. for thou are with ME; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.’
Again I had no words. He took a multi-purpose knife from his pocket and flicked the blade open. In two steps he was on me. I did not shy away. I would not give him the satisfaction. The knife sliced through my shackles. He stood back.
‘I will give you the benefit of the doubt pilgrim, for now. Follow me.’
I tried to stand but my legs had ceased up from being on the hard floor for so long. He put an arm around my back and helped me to stand. Once I was upright I was able to remain standing. He led me from the barn to the ruined house. Inside, the whole community of this small place sheltered. My eyes were drawn to a woman in the corner of the room giving birth.
I was ushered into a separate room where a white haired monarch sat shrouded in patchwork blankets. Something stirred from the depths and the heads of three puppies looked out at me. I could smell wine; her lips were stained red. ‘Pilgrim,’ she said, giving me the same look that the chicken had done earlier. ‘I don’t know whether to welcome you or kill you.’
‘Most would not even consider that a question,’ I told her.
‘The world is full of demons,’ she pulled her covers around her and scratched behind one of the puppies ears. ‘well? who sent you?’
‘What?’
‘God or the Devil?’
‘I’m just a pilgrim. I only want to pass on through unmolested.’
‘You had the chance to stick to the road, pilgrim.’
‘I haven't seen a cow since it began, I figured where it came from was good.’
She watched me, judged me, but said nothing. I swallowed and began to choke again when my throat stuck. She unfolded a hand and pointed behind me. I turned and saw a shopping trolley with a bottle of water on top. I would not be fooled; I shook my head.
‘No?’
‘I’m not taking without giving you something back. we have to be even.’
‘We’ve seen your bags, you have nothing for us.’
‘I’m a doctor.’
She looked down her nose at me. ‘Doctor, fancy notion, didn’t need one before don’t now.’
‘You have a woman in labour in the next room.’
She nodded, her face changed from cold hard granite to sandstone. ‘You help her and we’ll see you propper. She dies you die.’
‘what if the child is a stillbirth?’
‘Then the child is with god already and a good thing too.’
‘The mother may not survive.’
‘Then you won’t be leaving.’
Hi SAB,
Good to see a new piece from you.
The POV works well, though you have made a few slip-ups. Remember that in First Person POV you can only write what the narrator sees, hears, imagines, or knows - you can't say 'someone must have done something' because it's supposition, not fact.
You have a few inconsistencies, and your punctuation is variable.
The poor comma! You might like to have a look at 'A Comma is not Enough' here:
https://wordsunderoneroof.wordpress.com/
‘The left side of me was numb, I would not take a chance.’ - comma not right
I had waited, watched, patient, even though…’ - As written, this reads ‘I had waited, I had watched, I had patient.’
‘The House had once been baby blue, there was cracked paint on the windowsills that had been white.’ - ‘The House had once been baby blue, and cracked white paint still clung to the windowsills.’ (Why House and Dust?)
The Dust was deep, the stick slid through fine silt but turned up nothing but a child’s shoe.’ - comma not right
‘Windows next, anybody could have taken’ - change comma. You need to make it snappier – he’s in mortal danger after all. ‘Windows next. Anybody could…’
‘The ground floor looked empty but looks can be deceiving.’ - comma needed after ‘empty’
‘I had reached the front door, it was useless now. ‘ Comma incorrect: replace it. ‘I had reached the front door. It was useless now, blown off its hinges and piled high with dust.’
‘I could breath’ - breathe
‘I drew a knife and held it in my left hand as I kept right.’ You’ve already said that ‘The left side of me was numb’ – this is inconsistent.
‘I didn’t waste time looking for things I could use, I was too busy checking the dark corners’ - replace comma as before, with a full stop for punch and tension.
‘there was no sent’ - scent
‘I saw a door leading to a basement and I secured it with an old belt I had around my chest.’ This is clumsy. ‘A door led to a basement. I secured it…’ The introduction of ‘an old belt’ is odd: why does it matter what age it is? ‘a spare belt I’d slung over my chest’ might work better.
‘ I checked the back door but it was locked, then I set my own tripwire noise trap at the front door, it was not enough but it would have to do for now.’ – all of these commas are wrong.
‘leaving the ground floor of new places always frayed my nerves.’ – capital required
‘the wood stairs creaked’ – capital required; wooden stairs
‘The wood stairs creaked as I climbed, I strained to hear what I could hear but there was nothing but the howling wind outside.’ Comma not enough. The next phrase is clumsy. ‘I strained to hear what I could hear’ – try ‘My ears strained to pick up any sound other than the howling wind outside.’
‘I sniffed for people but there were none of the smells of humanity; the stench of urine; the stale breath or the sweet stench of sweat.’ – ‘I sniffed, but could detect none of the betraying scents of humanity – urine, stale breath, or the sweetness of sweat.’
‘I moved through the bedrooms as a poised cobra,’ - a poised cobra is still, surely?
‘made another noise trap should anybody be hiding in there.’ – not clear.
‘Outside was razors and knives’ - unclear
‘and if anybody was coming they would be coming later’ - clumsy
‘In the kitchen I found very little of worth, all the cupboards were empty of edible food, the draws had been looted before.’- comma wrong as before. Drawers, not ‘draws’
‘I found bin bags which I stuffed into my own backpack and in a space behind the U-bend in the utility room I found some fishing kit with some invisible wire and a tin of tuna.’ Punctuation: at least a comma after backpack. ‘some…some’ – replace as it’s too vague; surely he’d pounce on the tuna as food and therefore worth its weight in gold?
‘ I found bicarb too, and some fire-lighters.’ ‘I found…I found…I found’ – change some of these.
‘The utility seemed the safest room. I took off my backpack and took out some empty tins from the top, some stones and some bottle caps. From a zip pocket on my trousers I took some string.’ – repeat of ‘took’ and ‘some’ – change both
‘I had a bottle of lemon juice which I let drip into my drinking water, it was nearly gone but it had kept me healthy.’ ‘I had the last of a bottle of lemon juice which I tipped into my drinking water. It had kept me healthy, and I didn’t know where – or if - I’d find any more.’
‘I fell into an uneasy sleep inside a cleared out cupboard.’ – Let’s see him make his nest in the cupboard – don’t chuck it in as an afterthought. ‘cleared-out’
‘then gently climbed back up to the top of the house’ - ‘gently’ is wrong; carefully, perhaps
‘The vista was bleak, once this would have been in the thriving heart of farmland.’ – replace comma with full stop
‘Now the white-gray sands stretched as far as my eye could reach,’ - eyes don’t reach.
‘caught my eye, movement meant danger’ – repeat of ‘eye’; comma not enough. Full stop needed again. I’d put one here and one after ‘danger’ – build the tension.
‘The loft swung down’ – the loft doesn’t swing anywhere; and why is the light below what is surely above? Or has he climbed into the loft? Unclear
‘Lavender and paper, it seemed wrong.’ – either a semi-colon or a dash, not a comma
‘White hair, balding at the scalp, dried to paper and sweet smelling, I recovered my senses fast and brushed her to one side. ‘ punctuation. Use a semi-colon or full stop after ‘smelling’; sweet-smelling
‘She rolled away with a tearing’ – tearing sound?
‘I pulled up the hatch and ladder behind me and then in darkness realised that the old woman had drilled holes in her floor to watch the rooms below.’ – ‘I pulled up the hatch and ladder behind me. In the darkness I saw that holes had been drilled in the floor, presumably to allow the old woman to watch the rooms below.’
'I broke off a finger from the mummy and took a metal dish from my pack. It burned better than i could have ever expected it too.' - the dish burns better? ‘i could have ever expected it too. ‘ – I; to.
‘The light showed me a bounty.’ ‘The light showed me bounty.’
‘or dance or kiss that lipless corpse.’ Comma after ‘dance’
‘I moved over to the far wall and found a swinging catch, with the finger candle burning low I gave my new home light.’ Comma not enough; and what’s a catch? A light switch? Confusing
‘The whites of my eyes shone like demons from the deep black of my skin, the only part of me exposed was my eyes.’ Repetition of ‘eyes’ – I’d lose ‘the only…eyes’
‘ I…checked my dread’s’ - a plural doesn’t take an apostrophe
‘I took off my goggles, they had belonged to somebody's ski equipment,’ He doesn’t mention goggles when he looks in the mirror – he says only his eyes are exposed. This is inconsistent. Also the throwaway line about ski equipment needs more than a comma and perhaps a little more explanation.
‘I had no time for my reflection, It meant nothing to me anymore.’ – not so: it’s just shown him how changed he is. Full stop, not comma.
‘refilled it anew with new tins, and new food and new water. ‘ to redo something means to do it anew –therefore repetition; repetition of ‘new’
‘the sirup water was almost too much to bare’ - syrup, bear
‘I found a light sand coloured blanket,’ – sand-coloured
‘an umbrella, some candles and some matches and even a pack of unopened cigarettes.’ – comma after ‘matches’
‘I sat up with a jolt, I couldn’t have been asleep for more than a half hour. ‘ – full stop, not comma. How does he know how much time has passed?
‘Stupid, stupid and careless.’ – comma not enough
‘I had seen it coming and I had been distracted.’ – More than that: he’s allowed himself to be distracted, perhaps, or he’s let exhaustion take its toll.
‘thought possible for myself.’ – not ‘for myself’ – clumsy.
‘ I had to leave everything I owned out in the open. I cursed myself for having a candle, for opening a tin. I rolled the corpse back into position by the opening of the loft’ – open, opening, opening -repetition
‘behind the watertank,’ water tank
‘She upped and left, good thing too, Gavin would have had her eaten.’- commas not right here.
‘I could hardly keep my wits as I crouched and wished that I was not trapped.’ – lose this; it’s telling, not showing. You don’t need it – the reader knows what he’s feeling.
‘why would somebody have done that?’ – capital at Why
‘Think we have a traveler, aint’ - traveller (UK); ain’t
‘Having left a belt like that? thats good leather.’ – ‘ Leaving a belt like that? That’s…’
‘There was a pause whilst the other man must have shrugged.’ – If the narrator can’t see it, he can’t say this.
‘The latch clicked on the loft hatch, the stairs came down with a thud.’ – comma not enough – use ‘and’ here; ‘ the stairs came down’ if the narrator is underneath and they move towards him; ‘went down’ if he’s above and they move away from him.
‘The dangerous man coughed and the Hungry one moved my chair out of the way of the ladder.’ How does he know who does what?
‘There was only one thing I could think of doing now. I hid.’ – Lose this – it’s unnecessary and slows it down. Give the reader some work to do, and build the tension with a little mystery.
‘I could hear him put his hands on the metal, hear him.’ – hear, hear
‘Then his laughter began. He sighed’ – sighing and laughing at the same time? ‘A startled [or nervous, or whatever] laugh escaped him.’
‘I can’t see shit in here,’ he called down, ‘by christ it stinks.’ – As written, he’s saying that the shit he can’t see stinks. Your punctuation needs work! (Even as an expletive, Christ usually takes a capital, but that’s up to you, especially as it’s set in the future.)
‘I moved, as he had been climbing up the ladder I had come around behind him.’ This is after the fact: put this movement in at the point where it takes place, not here. Comma is wrong.
‘As he came up into the loft and called down I attacked.’ – If the narrator attacks as the man is calling, it will be obvious to his friend as it will interrupt his speech.
‘I was week’ - weak
‘It would not be long until his blood began to seep through the ceiling.’ – through the holes in the ceiling, perhaps – blood takes a while to penetrate through wood.
‘I could feel panic setting in.’ - really? He’s just killed a man in cold blood and intends to kill another. I’d lose this mention of panic.
‘Mark? you alright, is your asthma playing up again?’ – ‘You alright? Is…’
‘I heard him swear below and start to climb.’ To prevent lots of sentences beginning with ‘I’, change this to ‘He swore’; also lose ‘below’ – we know where he is
‘As his head peaked through the hatch’- peeked, but preferably ‘appeared’
‘He blinked, looked at me with mute surprise and a pleading incomprehension and then he crumpled and fell down the ladder. ‘ – ‘He blinked at me in mute surprise and pleading incomprehension, then crumpled…’
I would be long long gone. ‘ I would be long, long gone’
You've taken us straight into the drama; we have a hero who is adrift in an evil world, surviving on his wits, and who is an opportunist. We don't know what's happened, or who he is, but that's to be explained.
A very good start (but watch your punctuation!)
Lorraine
Comments below are for a different book! I have no idea why the comments are carrying over on my feed. :/
Ah - now we learn who/what Clarence is; and we learn more about his friends. You're getting the tension right, and the plot's moving along - although so many names and titles all at once may be a little confusing. I'd suggest a cast list at the beginning of the book to explain who's who.
We've seen Clarence's predicament; now we see that of his friends. I foresee trouble ahead!
A few points that you may want to tidy up:
“It doesn’t sit right with me that Clarence just left us like that, he was terrified.” - comma not enough
“He’s back, we did our job.” ditto
“Thats somebody else's problem now. ' - 'That's'
'to risk your life contacting him?” - 'your life by contacting'
'I owe him my life Bobbin.' - 'life, Bobbin'
Bobbin got up and stood outside, he looked up ' - comma not enough; you have two clauses that could standalone, therefore a semi-colon would be better, or a full stop and capital.
'though we can rule out the DragonLord’s can’t we?”- comma after Dragon Lord's (is this two words or one? Does it refer to the Dragon Lord's complex or Dragon Lords plural? Not sure.)
'a new leader she wouldn’t' - comma after leader
'The Lance is a Necromancer and Necromancers' - comma after 'Necromancer'
'was not under such close scrutiny than' - 'as', not 'than'
“So what now?” she asked.
'He took a while to answer, when he did ' - full stop at 'answer' - gives us the pause that is described here.
“I had friends once in the Lower Town who can help me look,' - implies that they used to be friends once but aren't any longer, so why would they help? 'I have some old friends in the Lower Town who can'
“Because we may be here for a while and we need to work to eat, my friends in the town would not be so forthcoming.” Comma wrong; either a semi-colon or full stop.
Beatrix wondered why he called them friends, still the prospect of getting closer to Clarence again' - comma wrong.
“Just keep quiet about where you are from if people ask tell them about your life in Gelding Town with Fred.' - punctuation missing in this line.
On with the next part!
Lorraine