There are parts of this that I feel are clunky. The description in the first part of the chapter is a real sticking point for me, as is the abruptness of the end. Please let me know what you think :)
03 Pilgrim
Fifty miles was not far enough but fifty would have to do. The car overheated; the dust got inside the air intake. I salvaged what I could and went on foot. Deep under the ashen ground was a road. These paths once lead somewhere in this barren place and I had to believe that still held true. To danger or to salvation I did not care as long as I was moving.
As the temperatures plummeted and the light faded I dug myself a shallow grave in between two boulders. Then, burying myself under my camouflaged covers I sealed myself in with dirt. Nights exposed were the worst. I shivered and fretted; keeping one eye open. The silence stretched into infinity. The land around me glowed silver from the luminescence of a billion stars. In the moments when I dared to take my eyes from earth I cursed their clarity.
I fell into a restless sleep. When the morning heat burned I awoke with the realisation that the silence had been broken by a cowbell. The emaciated bovine stood ten paces away, hoofing with futility at the ground. It had not seen me in my den. Somebody was singing close by. Childs feat crossed my vision. I stayed as still as the dead.
They moved away from my line of sight. Once they had gone I clawed my way from my tomb and began to follow their tracks. They led me across dust filled farmland then off away into the rocky hills. I could see them in front of me; they did not turn round. That I did not know what danger I was walking towards was a fact I allowed. The child was alive, the cow was too; that meant something. People eaters were bloated and they did not keep cattle; at least, none that I had come across did. The child began to climb and later I did too. I lost sight of them but the cowbells chimes told me what I needed to know.
The midday sun was hot enough to cook an egg by the time the child stopped. I climbed up the rocks to a vantage point and edged from my hiding place to look down on their progress. Below were ruins. A low brick and mud dwelling with a broken roof and outbuildings enough to house three families. I could not see the cow; the tolling of it’s bell had grown silent. The ruins were empty. The hair on my neck bristled. I looked around at the hills. Had I walked into a trap? I drew my knife and backed away from the edge of my hiding place. I had been stupid to follow. As I turned to head back down the hill a shadow flickered and the butt of a gun sailed towards my face. I had been caught.
There was a chattering tapping to my left. The scent of wood smoke in my nostrils. my open eyes saw nothing and my head throbbed. I collected my thoughts; my name; my history. I pushed myself into a sitting position; my hands were tied in front of me. As I shifted the sack over my face fell. Light, so blinding, burned my eyes. I closed them tight again. The chattering tapping grew louder; the smells of smoke grew stronger.
‘Water,’ I choked. I was parched. my mouth felt like a dryer landscape than the one my body inhabited. Nobody came. The chattering turned into scratching. My eyes were adjusting and I saw a chicken by my foot.
The beautiful creature stopped its business and raised its head, turning its beady eye towards me. We regarded each other as dying breeds do; with forlorn curiosity. I started to laugh. It had been years since I had seen a prey animal, now I saw two in a day. I almost believed I had died and been given a second chance. Perhaps I was wrong to think the whole world was the wasteland I inhabited. The chicken ruffled its feathers and let out an indignant ‘bwark.’ My laughter turned to coughs as my throat stuck together.
‘You mad?’
I squinted up at the voice, the child. No, not the child, a girl, older.
‘What you got to laugh about anyhow?’
I opened my mouth and showed her my blistered tongue, ‘Water,’ I rasped.
She scratched her head and looked back over her shoulder.
‘Please.’
‘why?’
I didn’t know what to say to that, I had no words to justify my own existence.
‘what’ll you give me huh?’ She came into the hut and squatted down out of my reach. ‘You gunna eat me? Mamma B says they eat kids slow, gotta watch out.’
‘I’m not...’ my voice stuck and I started to cough again. The girl stood up and kicked some dirt at me; the chicken spooked and flapped ingloriously up into the rafters. I heard the girl run from the barn whilst I was watching the bird settle.
The hours crept by; nobody else came. I slept because there was little else to do. The bindings on my wrists were too tight and started to bleed if I moved. I sated my thirst from drinking my own blood; It did not help. The heat climbed so high I began to hallucinate. I saw shadows that I thought were people. Things crawled and moved and took on new meanings. I saw my road and I saw all those who had traveled along it before me. Then the heat began to leave the world and I drifted into true sleep.
‘Who are you?’
The words cut through me like a sword. My eyes shot open and I rolled away from the noise. Twilight showed the speaker to be a middle-aged man; his voice both deep and nasal.
‘Not a threat. Need water.’
He spat on the floor. Chewing tobacco was something I would never get used to. ‘Thought I damaged you; hit you hard.’
I said nothing.
‘Why did you follow my boy?’
‘Cows need water.’
‘Ain’t nothing free in god's great kingdom,’ he spat on the floor again.
‘You’re religious?’ I asked, hoping to find any edge I could.
‘This life is divine proof of god’s great reckoning,’ he lifted his head to the ceiling; his hands opened out as if he had been crucified. I noted the cross on his necklace and the self-made branding of the trinity on his arm. I had seen tribes of religious nuts, some were good, some were terrifying, all of them made me nervous.
‘Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. for thou are with ME; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.’
Again I had no words. He took a multi-purpose knife from his pocket and flicked the blade open. In two steps he was on me. I did not shy away. I would not give him the satisfaction. The knife sliced through my shackles. He stood back.
‘I will give you the benefit of the doubt pilgrim, for now. Follow me.’
I tried to stand but my legs had ceased up from being on the hard floor for so long. He put an arm around my back and helped me to stand. Once I was upright I was able to remain standing. He led me from the barn to the ruined house. Inside, the whole community of this small place sheltered. My eyes were drawn to a woman in the corner of the room giving birth.
I was ushered into a separate room where a white haired monarch sat shrouded in patchwork blankets. Something stirred from the depths and the heads of three puppies looked out at me. I could smell wine; her lips were stained red. ‘Pilgrim,’ she said, giving me the same look that the chicken had done earlier. ‘I don’t know whether to welcome you or kill you.’
‘Most would not even consider that a question,’ I told her.
‘The world is full of demons,’ she pulled her covers around her and scratched behind one of the puppies ears. ‘well? who sent you?’
‘What?’
‘God or the Devil?’
‘I’m just a pilgrim. I only want to pass on through unmolested.’
‘You had the chance to stick to the road, pilgrim.’
‘I haven't seen a cow since it began, I figured where it came from was good.’
She watched me, judged me, but said nothing. I swallowed and began to choke again when my throat stuck. She unfolded a hand and pointed behind me. I turned and saw a shopping trolley with a bottle of water on top. I would not be fooled; I shook my head.
‘No?’
‘I’m not taking without giving you something back. we have to be even.’
‘We’ve seen your bags, you have nothing for us.’
‘I’m a doctor.’
She looked down her nose at me. ‘Doctor, fancy notion, didn’t need one before don’t now.’
‘You have a woman in labour in the next room.’
She nodded, her face changed from cold hard granite to sandstone. ‘You help her and we’ll see you propper. She dies you die.’
‘what if the child is a stillbirth?’
‘Then the child is with god already and a good thing too.’
‘The mother may not survive.’
‘Then you won’t be leaving.’
Hello again!
'You remember and you will attend - nay, more than attend.' I wouldn't use an ellipsis here, as that implies the speaker trails off, which Grendal doesn't; he is adding to what he's just said. It works better with a dash.
Impossibility alert! - 'He watched the guards that stood outside the door,' - actually he doesn't; he watches the shadows of the guards under the door. He can't watch the guards if the door is shut. You could say, 'He was aware of the guards' - and they aren't standing if they are passing to and fro, as implied by the moving shadows.
'porthole' - a window in the side of a ship: portal, surely?
'off world traffic had been stopped through the great stones.' - 'had been stopped from passing through' - makes it clearer.
'eight fractions' - do you mean factions? Or all they all part of one unified whole? In that case, 'fractions' would work.
'an observatory above, from there he' - there's that pesky comma again, being overworked. If you say 'from where', you can have a comma; otherwise, use either a semi colon of a full stop.
The rule is that if the two parts of this sentence could stand alone as complete sentences, you can't join them with a comma.
'he seemed to want to lash out and clip Clarence around the ear, but he refrained.' - seemed to himself? Or to Clarence? Try, 'It seemed to Clarence that the old man wanted to lash out and clip him round the ear as he used to do' (otherwise how does Clarence know what Grendal is thinking?)
'His hair was lank and oily, it had once been jet black; now it was streaked with a yellow grey.' Try 'His hair was lank and oily; it had once been jet black, but now it was streaked with a yellow grey. '
'close to his scalp, how the front' - 'and how the front...'
There are some problems with the next part:
'Bobbin, Clarence’s friend and the son of his groundsman, had lovingly referred to Grendal as ‘The Corpse.’' I would change 'lovingly' unless Bobbin loved Grendal (unlikely). More likely to be 'scathingly' or 'mockingly'.
'The fleeting thought of his old friend made Clarence sink further into his melancholy. Grendal had forever been his stepmother's man and Clarence knew relatively nothing about him other than his ways.' You've gone from Bobbin to Grendal and to 'his stepmother' without warning. It's a double shifting of focus from Grendal to Bobbin to Grendal again. Clunky.
'These ceremonies...They...The ceremonies' - I'd stick to They for the second two references.
'Clarence gave a nasty smile' - why nasty? Doesn't seem right.
'never a hint of colour showing on his waxen skin...What little colour there was residing in Grendal’s face left it.' - contradiction. Can't say he never has any colour, and then say there is some.
'Clarence gave a nasty smile...Grendal gave a barking laugh' - 'gave' isn't right here. Do you give a smile or a laugh?
'easily led', not 'lead'
'After a long while, Grendal looked up at him ' - it's obvious that it's Grendal looking up - 'he' is enough. 'he looked over the top of the manuscript.' (does away with 'at him')
'I forget.. I can’t remember ' repetition
'Clarence growled.
“You see, your parents were very concerned about your behaviour, Clarence.' - I'd lose the second 'Clarence', coming so soon after the other. Does he growl or snarl?
The next para is very long - I'd break it up. You can continue the same person's speech over two paras; you don't close the inverted commas at the end of the first, but open them again at the start of the second.
'He made a theatrical sigh' - you don't make a sigh; you heave it, or let it out.
'On the event' - 'In the event'
'Seeing he had Clarence’s full attention his grin became even more evil. He placed the will down and motioned for Clarence to take it. Clarence did, and Grendal edged forward to watch as the flame of defiance died in his green eyes. He licked a tongue over his smiling moist mouth.' Clarence three times in two lines is too much.
The first line is a little clunky: Seeing this, this happened... I'd reword it.
The next two lines are convoluted: 'Clarence did' doesn't work; in whose eyes does the flame die, and then who licks whose tongue (a tongue? How many does he have?) over his lips? This section needs reworking.
'However should you inherit….”' - this isn't followed up. Grendal talks out Uncle
Robert instead.
'fathers duties' - father's
'issuing heirs' - one has issue, or one provides heirs, but one doesn't issue heirs
'He sat back and studied Clarence’s face, something seemed to trouble him' - again the comma is not enough.
'to formally meet them' - 'to meet them formally' is better
'Should you want it, the head of the kitchens would also like an audience' - As Grendal has basically told Clarence that he can't have anything he wants, this suggestion sounds off-key. I'd lose 'Should you want it'
'Clarence's face' twice in last para
'waiting for Clarence to rise. It was the last great insult he could throw in Clarence’s face.'
Again, too many repeats of Clarence.
Grendal is an evil type, although he seems to have the good of the land at the centre of his interest. The description of his hair glued in place by sebum is particularity unpleasant! He despises Clarence for his apparently debauched youth, but for all his posturing he is adapting to the change in circumstances - he doesn't clip Clarence round the ear, for instance, which he would undoubtedly have done before.
Clarence is a bit of an enigma - a prince thrown into a role for which he was never intended, and which he does not want but has no choice but to accept. Yet that 'nasty smile' throws me; it implies a darker side to him which detracts from the image of him as victim of a brutal teacher.
That long para needs breaking up, because it throws the balance off, being twice the size of any other, and it contains a huge amount of information that's in danger of being lost.
The choice of Clarence as a name has difficulties attached: it's an old-fashioned name, and it becomes clunky when over-used. It gives an image of a less-than-heroic man/creature (we don't know yet what he is).
Does that help?
Lorraine
Ah Lorraine, always a life savour. You are right, I am useless with commas and apostrophe's, no amount of practice seems to help me get better with them. I do rather rely on feedback. A good edit will see the names replaced and thank you for pointing out the repetitions. I shall post up the edited version and I would love to hear what you think of it.
Thank you again
s
You've got a real blind spot when it comes to apostrophes and commas, SAB. I've made changes where I think they should be, raised a few queries, and tidied up a few oddities. You'll have to read this with an eagle eye! (I did this twice - I lost the first one with a careless click of a mouse button two paras from the end!)
Try not to repeat Clarence and Grendal so much - it becomes tedious and clumsy.
‘Clarence drummed his fingers on the polished dark oak desk. He could see his face in the shine, and took a small delight in the sticky fingerprints he had made. ‘
‘didn't seem to notice, to see such things as noteworthy’ – repetition
“You remember the ceremonies, of course?”
‘no use for them.
‘A sigh,’ - not enough. ‘Grendal sighed.’ (note full stop)
‘“Will I?” He did not wish to give Grendal the satisfaction of believing that he had any control. His eyes turned ‘
‘towards the large bay window that looked out over the centre of The Fortress, and over Stone Henge itself. ‘
‘That porthole’ - or portal? ‘ lay dormant; off world traffic had been stopped through the great stones, and where the Druids had once acted as shepherds for the commerce that came through, now eight standing army’s’ – armies- ‘ stood silent watch.’
‘ doubled; the Council’
‘Then his eyes travelled to a spiral staircase and he knew that from the observatory’ – ‘There was a spiral staircase leading to an observatory above, from where…’
‘He regarded Grendal with a new hatred’. Nb: ‘he sat looking over the old man with a hatred that he had forgotten’ – these two don’t work ; he’s looking with an old and a new hatred.
‘his hands; he seemed to ‘
Too much ‘Clarence’ in the next several lines
‘Grendal had been his tutor for the worst years of his life.’
‘The hair was lank and oily had once been jet black; now it was streaked with a yellow grey. ‘
‘tutor used to tie it’ – hair or wig?
‘Even impassioned his face would remain sallow, never a hint of colour showing on his waxen skin.’ ‘The Corpse’. The fleeting thought ‘
‘lessors.’ – landlords; people who receive rent from property. Do you mean inferiors?
‘you had better not insult’
‘would do well to take this seriously, idiot, fool, filth. Why did you return, if not’
‘to torment! I will not’
‘At this’ - unnecessary
‘a barking laugh; then’
‘as if he had forgotten something, his face took on a look of delight.’ – listing: he did this, he did that. This line isn’t necessary as it’s covered by the revelling in the next one.
‘I forget; you were’
‘Leprechaun court languages,”’ - should be a full stop.
your behaviour, Clarence.
Retched. – People who retch? Or the Wretched – people who are wretched?
Drug-addled
‘families advancement’ – family’s
‘and us?” He made’
‘father’s small council.’
‘However should you inherit….” Here Grendal paused; seeing he had Clarence full attention his grin became even more evil.’ Don’t use the ellipsis and then explain it – ‘Grendal paused’
Clarence to take it. Clarence did, slowly drawing’ – clumsy repetition. ‘He slowly drew’ would be enough.
‘Clarence’s green eyes. When he looked up‘ - you’ve shifted from Grendal’s action to Clarence’s so need a full stop.
‘“I see,” Clarence said.’ ‘he’ would do.
‘for him. However’
‘your father’s position,’ – also, repeat of ‘position’
‘unless you marry; and I will not give’
‘not be crowned, but ‘
tenth birthday. You have no choice in any future marriage plans.”
‘his face, but gave him a long serious look.’
‘on this; you will obey me. ” He sat back ‘
‘Clarence’s face’
‘your father’s men. ‘
‘an audience; it was ‘
‘were young, so do as you will.’
‘to rise. It was the last great insult he could throw in Clarence’s face.’
Have a good weekend!