Untitled as of yet

I loved the tension, the threat and the frustration. It's a realistic, accurate description in that type of all too common violence, something that I find hard to write without over dramatising scenes.

A couple of things I though you might consider (I'm not an editor, nor do I consider myself to be an experienced writer-so please take it only as a suggestion).

First, do you need to say her arms were folded over her chest. I have struggle with depicting this body language and eventually concluded that, in most circumstances, there isn't anywhere else to fold them, so you can just say, "folded her arms". If you need to cut for a word count in a short story, it means you can trim and make the writing tighter.

The second point; again merely my suggestions, would be to put the, "footsteps getting louder" in front of the, "her name bouncing of the wall (which I think is fantastic, by the way). That way, the sound bite of the scene builds because, footsteps are arguably quieter than shouting?

Good start to a story though and lovely description. If you haven't already, keep going and finish it.

I read your other post Victoria and wanted to at least read, and maybe comment on what you'd written here. I'm not an editor and very unsure about commenting on other's work (I don't want to do damage), which is why I only rarely do so. If it's okay with you I'll leave what I want to say on the level of 'feeling':

I had to read your piece twice (but that's not unusual for me) to see the connection between the first and the second part. I had the feeling something is missing there.

I agree with Olivia's comment that what you have written feels like just the beginning of a story. Maybe it is the beginning and you have written more. I don't think you can leave it there.

I like the way the violent 'male' is not introduced clearly - it's like a (threatening) shadow hanging over the whole piece. Maybe you can integrate more shadow-like metaphors into your text.

'Pushing with all her might, the wardrobe eases' - the subject of 'pushing' is Emily, not the wardrobe: it has to be followed by 'she' or 'Emily'. The wardrobe is the object - it doesn't do anything, but has something done to it. 'Pushing with all her might, she eases the wardrobe...'

Comma, not semi-colon, after 'carpeted floor'.

'She hears thumps reverberate through her modest cottage' - you could drop 'She hears' to make this more immediate.

'As of yet' - a nonsense phrase: 'As yet'

She must surely have made a sound/movement in moving the wardrobe?

'Until they stop. Just a single frame of wood away from her cowering figure.' - while not strictly sentences, they work to convey tension. The last line in particular turns our focus from the unseen creator of noise to the terrified girl. All we know of the threat is that it's male, and that anonymity adds to the sense of fear.

I'd drop or move 'Spying a new perfume'; it's too active. The important thing here is that Emily shrugs, so put that first.

Comma, not semi-colon, after 'fragrance department'.

'who was evidently' - is, not was - you've changed tense.

'conversational...conversation' - lose one of these.

You use 'sister' five times in five lines, referring to each of them in turn. You need to change this.

Try: 'Arms folded across her chest and one eyebrow raised, Rosie waits.'

'this morning"' - needs a full stop: 'this morning."'

'Rosie spins her sister to face her; older sister instinct kicking into full capacity.' This sentence doesn't work. Repetition of sister as mentioned. I'd change the semi-colon to a comma, and lose 'to full capacity' as it's a little awkward. Try:

'Rosie spins Emily to face her, all her protective instincts kicking in.'

'It was that asshole wasn't it" her face softens slightly, "I can't help you if you shut me out all the time Em" - punctuation missing here. 'It was that asshole, wasn't it?" Her face softens slightly. "I can't help you if you shut me out all the time, Em."

'If you did, you would understand." - punctuation added.

'If you don't do something about this, Emily Louise Brown, then I will!" ' Note added commas. Otherwise you could be saying that she should be doing something about this Emily Louise Brown person.

You have a couple of scenes here, the first short and redolent of threat and panic, the second more measured but nevertheless full of emotion, sparingly sketched. It needs a little sprucing up, but it will work well.

Lorraine