Untitled as of yet

by Victoria Constant
12th February 2016

Sweat dripping off her palm, Emily takes a deep breath. Pushing with all her might, the wardrobe eases across the carpeted floor; stopping in front of the the bedroom door. She hears thumps reverberate through her modest cottage. She bites her lower lip and begs herself to remain silent. As of yet he does not know her exact location. One sound, one tiny movement and it's game over. 

Her name bounces from wall to wall as he screams and smashes his way towards her. Footsteps get louder. Closer. Until they stop. Just a single frame of wood away from her cowering figure.

---------------------

"How on earth did you get that?" Rosie asks, nodding at Emily's neck. 

She watches as her sister blushes whilst adjusting her scarf. Spying a new perfume, Emily simply shrugs and pulls her sister towards the fragrance department; desperate from a change in conversational direction. Removing the lid she inhales the scent. Floral. Not her thing. Pulling a face Emily hands the bottle to her sister, who was evidently not willing to allow the conversation to die. Arms folded across her chest and an eyebrow raised Rosie waits. 

"I walked into the bedroom door this morning" 

Slamming the bottle onto the nearest shelf, Rosie spins her sister to face her; older sister instinct kicking into full capacity. 

"Don't give me that bullshit. I know you too well. It was that asshole wasn't it" her face softens slightly, "I can't help you if you shut me out all the time Em"

Pulling out of Rosie's grasp, Emily tenses. How dare she? What did she know? He doesn't mean to hurt me, I make him angry. Angry people can't control what they do. 

"You don't know him like I do. If you did you would understand"

"And if you were in my shoes you would be having the same reaction! If you don't do something about this Emily Louise Brown then I will!"

Comments

I like the tense and tempo, and would probably give the untitled a title like: startled shadow

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I really enjoyed your use of setting. The contrast of having a modest sized cottage, usually a cottage can give you the positive impression of warm and cosy or the negative impression of isolated. However, 'modest' implies that this cottage has ample room and yet clearly we can tell Emily is trapped and it give the opening scene an almost suffocating feel, we can feel Emily's exhaustion as she moves that wardrobe in an attempt to protect herself.

Are you planning on expanding the story as I feel this is just the beginning?

My one suggestion would be to not over explain certain parts. I admit in first drafts I am guilty of this and simple editing does the trick (my creative writing teacher at college also shared this trait).

You are a very descriptive and imagery driven writer (I see similarities between our work in this sense) which is a positive thing, but we can fall into the trap of telling too much for our reader.

For example, in your lovely sentence 'slamming the bottle on the nearest shelf...' you could potentially cut out the last part of 'older sister instinct kicking into full capacity. You have already shown beautifully Rosie is angry due to her actions and as you mentioned in the paragraph above we know the relationship between the two characters. So we know why Rosie is reacting the way she.

Also, you could if you wanted to reword it to say 'Rosie spins Emily to face her' we do not need the repetition of sister.

I hope this helps keep it up Victoria and good luck. I saw your post and thought I want to help others by giving feedback too I may not be incredibly experienced but that is the beauty of writing we learn together and each critique will help us to shape our work and make it stronger.

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12/02/2016