This is the first page of something I'm currently working on. I am very passionate about this book as it expresses issues close to my heart. I would just like to know how it is coming across? Would you like to read more? All feedback is very welcome and would be greatly appreciated.
‘I said, grow a fucking spine, you fucking bitch!’ He shouted as he slapped my face. I sat on the edge of our bed crying, sobbing so much it was almost impossible to breathe. Through tear blurred vision I saw him raising his hand again I closed my eyes in anticipation and let out a childlike scream when I felt my brain shake hard against my skull.
The memory of this 30 second interruption in my life played over and over in my head, as if in slow motion and on repeat as I dug the razor blade deeper into my arm. ‘Grow a fucking spine, what the fuck was he talking about?’ I muttered to myself. As the blood rushed to the surface I felt a huge relief, like I had been drowning and had just taken my first big gulp of air. I let myself sit back against the cold bath side while I enjoyed the dizzying feelings of normality for a few minutes. Then I did as I always did, washed and dried my arm and the blade, put the blade back away in my makeup bag, then applied pressure to the wound to clot the bleeding and put my jumper back on.
My name is Amelia Rose and this is my story. I know that sounds cheesy, right? Everyone has a story, but I want to share mine so my life hasn’t been wasted. It is a story of life, abuse, self - harm and getting over the past. It is a warning to all out there who suffer as I did and reassurance that you are not alone. I will be watching over you when you need me....
Thank you everyone for your encouragement, advice and support. Some really helpful hints within your comments! Will definitely be taking it all on board! Thank you.
Amanda
Powerful stuff. Now the words are down, might I suggest some editing pointers.
I said, grow a fucking spine, you fucking bitch!’
We know from this sentence that it is being shouted, so we don't need to be told so, as in the next sentence. You could swap the second sentence around so that the slapping is the more important:
He slapped my face as he shouted.
I sat on the edge of our bed crying, sobbing so much it was almost impossible to breathe.
Now repetition weakens the sentence, with 'crying' and 'sobbing'. Often less is more, and wihout the repetition, here it is made stronger:
I sat on the edge of the bed, sobbing so much it was almost impossible to breathe.
Through tear blurred vision I saw him raising his hand again I closed my eyes in anticipation and let out a childlike scream when I felt my brain shake hard against my skull.
I would leave out 'anticipation' because this removes any anticipation in the reader. Let the actions speak for themselves.
He raises his hand, I close my eyes. Despite myself, I let out a childlike scream.
We understand what has happened here, seen it, maybe even felt it. You might want to leave out the second sentence now, so that the same action is not repeated here.
The next part, where we find the opening is a memory works well. The plunging of the knife is both repulsive and shocking and the visual details make it all the more appalling to the reader. My only suggestion is that you might delay this action and play with the readers emotions a little by first introducing the blade, even let the reader decide how far the blade might go. Is this a suicide attempt unfolding? Keep them guessing. The matter of fact attitude to the subsequent self-harm is equally shocking, when the blade is cleaned and packed away with the makeup.
Good stuff Amanda.
Hi Amanda - I've concentrated on some smaller points.
For me the sentence 'He shouted as he slapped my face' deadened the action & could simply be left out. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't feel your brain shake against your skull? Perhaps your head could fly back from the impact or something similar to demonstrate the force of the blow? The words 'as if in slow motion and on repeat' didn't feel necessary after 'played over and over in my head,'
I'll have a read of the extended piece later - it's not my sort of thing but I'll give it a go & add some comments.