Although not selected as one of the finalists, I'm happy to share my submission. I've posted it on my website http://cadasilva.com/news.html
Feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Carla
Although not selected as one of the finalists, I'm happy to share my submission. I've posted it on my website http://cadasilva.com/news.html
Feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Carla
Thank you Asuntha for your feedback. The experience was real - it's my story.
It was challenging to know how to balance the emotion with telling the story.
Thank you for taking the time to write your comments
Thank you Al for your detailed feedback. I take on board your comments about some of the word changes. It's good to know what works and what jarred with the overall voice.
It's all part of learning to master the art of writing.
Thank you also for pointing out the duplication... oops! I've amended it. Will check out the Twitter link (I'm a Twitter novice).
Thanks for your time to share your feedback
This is a very nice piece of writing, Carla. You captured a good balance between the thoughts and emotions of a child, and the reflective view of that child now grown.
I think it could benefit from a few word changes in places; ‘added his own contribution before returning them to their keeper’, as an example. To me, this (and a few others) jarred with the overall voice.
The, bald-headed man, should have had more emotional depth, considering what an impact he had upon the narrator’s life.
I would delete, or possibly move, the last paragraph.
Well done and thanks for sharing.
BTW, the text is duplicated, and your Twitter link fails.