Hi everyone
I've currently editing my MS and have had very mixed feedback about the prologue. The consensus seems to be that it should stay in, but I have 2 versions and the feedback on both of them has been quite conflicting - I appreciate people have different pov's. But as of yet no-one has really been able to compare the two together, as only one is ever on the MS at one time - obviously.
So I'd thought I'd ask the lovely people here at W&A what you think.
It's been suggested that the first one may make the protagonist seem a bit too ruthless. And the second one people seemed to love or hate. The gripe being that it gives the game away too soon - it doesn't though, but readers wouldn't know that.
I'd really appreciate any thoughts if people have the time, or inclination to have a look. It's on my shared work. And each prologue is just a couple of hundred words each.
Thanks in advance.
Clare
Very helpful, as always, thank-you Lorraine :)
Hi Clare,
An interesting comparison exercise.
Prologue 2:
‘Unable to defend myself or to vent my rage; my complete and utter fury at this situation I’ve found myself in.’ Not convinced that Nathan would say ‘complete and utter fury’, though of course I have nothing to base that on; it just seems out of place here. If I were lying in a burning building facing certain death, would I speak in such terms? No.
‘I can taste the bile in my throat and I’m struggling to get any air into my lungs. The smoke is choking me. Sucking the life from me with every futile attempt to take a breath.’ This is too much telling, not showing. It’s a dying man describing his last minutes in author-speak.
I don’t know Nathan at this point; I’ve no idea who he is or what he’s done, and I don’t particularly care, because he’s not in any way real – he’s a device. He is in complete command of his thoughts and sentence structure just when he should be at his most frantic. Has he really got time to wonder?
In contrast, Gina’s part of this prologue is immediate and natural. She moves, acts, speaks, responds. I’m interested in her, and I care about her because she is honestly depicted.
Prologue 1:
‘I made choices based on what was best for my son, always for him, regardless of who else may have been hurt in the process. And isn’t that what he does? Isn’t that what he taught me?’ I’m assuming that you’d use italics for the second ‘he’ here, otherwise it seems to refer to her son.
‘I know how to hurt people, even if I don’t intend to,’ – odd. A contradiction in terms, perhaps.
As in Prologue 2, Gina is compelling as a subject. You’ve given her a little more of a profile with the opening paragraph, but the final part of the scene is immediate and strong.
Of the two, I definitely prefer this one.
Hope this helps.
Lorraine
Gina is the protagonist. I didn't think it made her sound ruthless at all, was a bit surprised when someone said that it did. Thanks Penny.
Jimmy, I don't think I've ever posted the original prologue (2) on here before.